You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.
If I'm Drawn to Hummers. . .
I used to love listening to Sheryl Crow's song Diamond Road when I was at the gym. I would listen to it while I was on the recumbent bike because I could get a good rhythm to sustain me, and if no one was around I'd hum to the lines "When you're lonely, when your heart aches, it's gonna take a little time. . ."
I really do not know what keeps me from doing the things I need to do. Sometimes I think I must be comfortable living in the midst of angst. Sometimes I wonder if I am dysthymic--someone who is basically always down with periods of deeper depression. Hubby has "accused" me of being dysthymic. I don't know if this is how others who are close to me in my life see me. I think people who know me superficially think of me as bubbly and upbeat. .. but I am not really sure. I have lost perspective for how I come across to others.
My PhD in Boston told me that when it came to depression I acted like I was "guilty" of it. Like I brought it on. I do feel like I have no "right" to be depressed. I am smart; I make good money; I have a good job, a nice house, good health, a loving family. I think perhaps I started feeling down the most when my parents got divorced way back when I was 11.
. . . Can I Really Be an Eeyore?
Even before that, I was a kid who cried a lot --looking back I interpret it as being misunderstood by my parents. But I was also afraid of a lot of things. . .dogs, being alone, being willing to try new things. . . But when my parents divorced and we moved and I started a new school, I would lie in bed at night and go over my old class schedule and my teacher's names and my friends. . . afraid I would lose something. Then, I went back one time to visit and spent the whole time fretting and worrying about getting in trouble. . . they had a party for me and I ran around hushing people and picking up spilled cupcakes and such. . . wanting to make sure we didn't get in trouble and making myself and everyone else unhappy in the process. . . It was the thing I had longed for--to be back with the people I was familiar with and who were friends with me, and then I couldn't relax and enjoy them and let them enjoy me. In the middle of them, I still felt lonely.
So am I dysthymic or lonely? I revel in other people, and I am very friendly and outgoing, but I am the type who has only a few close friends. . . I can never get enough.
I can say that I eat for a lot of reasons. . .tension, anger. . . but sometimes I think maybe it all comes down to feeling lonely, disconnected, misunderstood, uncared for.
I think PhD2 has the right idea, probably, when talking about how I need to learn to fill this need for myself. Self care he calls it. Another PhD in my past called it self-parenting.
I do not like feeling this weakness. Like I cannot move past the most basic things in life. Eat only for sustenance and when you are hungry. It's insanity to think food can fill any other need. It's just not socially acceptable for me to wander to someone for a hug when I'm lonely. Or hell, to just go cry somewhere for relief. Or just to leave because I've had enough. . . instead I fill it with food, any food.
And what is it about me that makes me think about exercising, plan on exercising, even feel like exercising, and then stopping myself?
Maybe it is a "spiritual" problem. Maybe it is something in my psyche that needs fixing like Overeater's Anonymous says. I just don't like that they call it a disease or a sickness. I find it easier to admit depression is a sickness. . . dysthymia really sounds more like a personality trait, and I don't like that at all either. . . and I'm not sure telling myself I eat because I'm "sick" with the "disease" of compulsive overeating will help me get to a healthier place. Though I do think that learning to fill this void with some kind of self love could--and I may just need a some kind of "higher power" to muster that.