I know you've been busy with your play and reaching your own aspirations and haven't been reading posts as much. But yesterday you left a comment on my blog that said, "You're almost to day 100!!! very nice, you must feel incredible my friend!!" And reading it made me feel bad--like I'd mislead you. I don't think I've been deceptive in any way, but maybe I haven't been as transparent as I could have been either. . . so I felt the need to set the record straight.
Yes, I am almost to day 100 since July 4 when I had my Day of Reckoning and decided to get serious again about losing weight. But I have not been on track every day. In fact, more than once I've considered re-setting the "dieting meter" or abandoning the count all together. Because that's how far off track I've been.
But I didn't erase the numbers because this is where I am. And the days go on whether I count them or not. And I still have hope that as I get further in my journey I will be able to have an entry that claims some dramatic amount of weight loss and say, "It took me over 80 days to get refocused, even after I claimed it, but I did, and you can too."
But I don't feel all bad, Sean, and here's why. I have depression. I say it that way on purpose because I'm coming to terms with it being a condition. If I say, I am depressed, it feels much more like something I am to blame for instead of something that just is. And during the last 40 days or so at least, my focus has really been on trying to make my way toward relieving the depression. And I am finally getting some relief so the days have not been for nothing.
And if you haven't struggled with depression, it may not be clear how key it is to be unbound by it in order to focus on other things. My hope that this will not always be true as I learn other skills and ways to cope, and have other patterns to fall back on, but right now it is.
And now, I am trying again to move on. I'd love to take the deep dive that you did--straight in, all the way, focused. But so far it's not happening for me. Instead, I find myself making smaller decisions and insights.
Like right now these are the things on my mind and in my focus:
- I have a tendency to overeat cereal, which makes me feel like I'm starting the day out wrong. I have this kind of addiction to Honey Bunches of Oats Peach--it says 12 servings on the box, but I swear I'm through the thing in less than 5. Because of this, I'm trying to switch out my breakfasts. This is harder than it seems! It's like brushing your teeth with the other hand. But today, I had a yogurt parfait that I put together at home with a nectarine and some frozen blackberries. Yeah for me.
- I am noticing 2 times when I feel particularly compelled to eat and working on recognizing them, calming myself, and responding to them differently. One time is when I feel rushed or kind of "put upon." Like when I move from one meeting to another at work, with no breaks, and eating lunch at my desk. This makes me feel like I'm racing and like I want to just cram food in my mouth. I am trying to figure out how to reframe this. I actually think if I could feel comfortable enough to give myself the time to do it that a brisk little walk or stretch even would help.
- The other time I notice a strong desire to eat is when I feel this hole inside me. A disconnectedness. It can be a similar feeling as the above--being put upon, or misunderstood--like if my husband is not connecting with me or when I feel like I need to talk to someone but there is no time or no one around who I feel like I say the things I need/want to say. I am trying to just move my way through this and go ahead and reach out to people. Sometimes sharing with people makes me feel vulnerable because I say things with a level of intimacy that others don't. But really, I think this is me, and lots of people do respond to that and that's what draws them to me. So I think in the end, this hole will be less void if I can embrace this part of me without apprehension and seek the connection I desire.
Anyway, Sean, I so admire you and your family. And I truly appreciate your support and encouragement. And I don't want to feel like I am letting you down. It's a searching journey for me that is bigger than just weight--as I know you know. And it's hard to feel like I'm not failing. . . or letting myself down. . . or justifying . . .but I know I can just start from this moment, always, because that's all I have.
This is art from Bennie Morrison. I saw his work at Atlanta's Folk Fest a few weeks ago. I loved this because it is a painting on a turtle shell! And it's so full of little details.
He also writes little notes on the inside of the shell, which I found really quaint and endearing. The note on this one, if you can't read it says:
Snapping Turtle 13" x 14"
Found in Rivers Streams Wet Lands
Caught on Jugs Traps
Trappers use the meat
4-27-07 Two Wagons Farm
Yep! We were on the farms