Thursday, June 25, 2009

Food Addict? Powerless Over Food?

In that way of conversation, particularly the conversations of therapy, my PhD2 and I somehow started talking about Overeater's Anonymous. I think it may have come up because I was talking about the desire to have someone that I could call every time I eat to help me remember what I am trying to do. It's like all my focus vanishes in a split second. And that lead to the concept of sponsors, the veteran guides to newcomers in 12 step programs.

Is Powerlessness a Temporary State or an Identity?
I went to OA meetings when I was in college. I made some friends and learned some things but I didn't lose any weight. When PhD2 first brought OA up, my first thought was Do I really believe I am powerless over food? That's what the first of the 12 steps of OA is: Admitted we were powerless over food and that our lives had become unmanageble. I mean if I define myself as powerless, how am I able to change? Without power over food, how do I master it?

I can admit powerless now. Powerlessness is defined by The Free Dictionary. com as Lacking strength or power; helpless and totally ineffectual. I certainly feel ineffectual. But I don't think clinging to powerlessness as the cause behind my eating or as the defense for why I don't lose weight seems helpful. It seems like the idea should be to admit powerless now but to gain power through the program. Maybe that's what they are trying to get to with the 2nd step, about a higher power restoring sanity. But are they then equating powerlessness with insanity? I'm sorry as a word person that doesn't sync up for me.

I'm certain that there are discussions and proposed answers to the concept of powerlessness in the vast amount of meeting materials (that you have to buy), which I would look up had I kept the $$ worth of ones I bought back then but unfortunately (?) I gave them all to Good Will during one home/clutter purge before on of our cross state moves.

Plus, the role of the program as restoring personal power is not how I remember my experience before--it seems like every time someone had a problem with eating, it was sort of dismissed as due to their powerless over food. That seems like a weakened state and one I don't want to maintain.

Granted the meeting I attended before was very small (~5 or 6 people with 2 of them being at a healthy weight), so I might not find the same thing in Atlanta.

Would Claiming Addiction Help Me or Hurt Me?
I called a friend of mine who had just discovered OA when we were moving away. Turns out that was 2.5 years ago. I knew she'd lost weight rapidly. In fact it was 90 lbs--and she's kept it off. In my brief chat with her, she talked about being addicted to food. Here we go again.

Technically there is no such thing as food addiction (technical as in a medical or psychological diagnosis). It is being studied by obesity experts, however. I found one article from USA Today in 2007: Does Food Addiction Explain 'Explosion' of Obesity? Here's the bottom line about what they decided about food addiction:

Although there is no official definition of food addiction, Gold [Mark Gold, chief of addiction medicine at the McKnight Brain Institute at the University of Florida]defines it in much the same way as other substance dependence: "Eating too much despite consequences, even dire consequences to health; being preoccupied with food, food preparation and meals; trying and failing to cut back on food intake; feeling guilty about eating and overeating."
He believes some foods are more addictive than others. "It may be that doughnuts with high fat and high sugar cause more brain reward than soup."
Others pooh-pooh the idea of food addiction. "This is a dumbing down of the term 'addiction,' " says Rick Berman, executive director of the Center for Consumer Freedom, a group financed by the restaurant and food industry. "The term is being overused. People are not holding up convenience stores to get their hands on Twinkies.

In the broadest sense, I can sign on to the concept of food addiction. Webster's Dictionary broadly defines addiction as "persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful."

Even pieces of a more specific definition resonate with me chronic relapsing condition, uncontrollable craving, severe physical and mental reactions from withdrawal. E medicine says, "Every addictive substance induces pleasant states or relieves distress." Of course I couldn't know without researching it if so-called food addicts like other addicts have chemical changes in the brain and scientifically recognizable physical dependence.

The definition from carries a hard punch: the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

But again, I ask myself would defining myself as an addict end up being a crutch? I just don't know.

I Made an A+ on Compulsive Overeater's Quiz
I am not sure how much the OA literature relies on the term addict. What they do talk about is compulsive overeating. Here's their list of questions to help you decide if you are a compulsive overeater. Answering yes to 3 or more means you probably are. I answered yes to all but 2.

  1. Do you eat when you’re not hungry?
  2. Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason?
  3. Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating?
  4. Do you give too much time and thought to food?
  5. Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone?
  6. Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time?
  7. Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone?
  8. Is your weight affecting the way you live your life?
  9. Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal?
  10. Do you resent others telling you to “use a little willpower” to stop overeating?
  11. Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet “on your own” whenever you wish?
  12. Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime?
  13. Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble?
  14. Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition?
  15. Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?
Of course I raised this with PhD2, and he sort of challenged me by saying I wanted the sponsor part without buying the program. And that's true. But the problem is there really is no other established way to get a "sponsor." And I admit I felt a bit excited about the prospect of making some friends. But maybe not friends who all speak using the same slogans. . .

There will likely be more about this. . . but what do you have to share?
Have any history or thoughts on OA?
Would you claim powerlessness over food? Would that "free" you somehow or label you negatively?
Do you think food is an addiction? And if so, what does that do for you in terms of helping or hindering your success?

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Stacking the Deck--Again (Or Why I Should Have Stock in Amazon)

So if you've been paying attention lately, you're aware that I have a weakness of buying all the gadgets & gizmos and wardrobe and notebooks and cool pens etc. as a way to prime myself to start a new phase of action and commitment. The bigger weakness is that I often don't follow through after stacking the deck.
It's been an online ordering week for me. Here's what I've stacked the deck with. Remind me to tell you how they work out (once they arrive).

Item #1 for Foot Pain Relief

Item #2 for Foot Pain Relief

(guess they had to say Toes twice to show that there are 2 pieces in the box?)

Item #3 Book on Increasing Activity

Move a Little, Lose a Lot: New N.E.A.T. Science Reveals How to Be Thinner, Happier, and Smarter by James Levine (I heard about this one on NPR)

Item #4 Book Eating Real Food

In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto by Michael Pollan (This was recommended me to me by a new acquaintance who for some reason I trust implicitly--maybe because he is so d*mn funny and smart)

Item #5 Book on Exercise Motivation

Mind Gym: An Athlete's Guide to Inner Excellence by Gary Mack and David Casstevens
(I stumbled across this using the great, money grubbing resources of Amazon that recommend other cool things you may like. I'm all about what we tell ourselves so this seemed interesting even though I'm far from an athlete. Plus for some reason when I saw the title, I felt motivated by the tune of Morning Has Broken repeating in my head. . . did you hear it too? BTW, Did anyone else find it noteworthy that the formerly 500+ woman featured on the Today show this week became an athlete? A professional race walker?)

Item #6 Gadget to actually do the work from Item #3

(This is recommended in the Levine book)
Item #7 Gadget to also help me do the work from Item #3

Motorola H710 Bluetooth Mono Headset
(it will be really interesting to see if this works well. . . wanted it so I can use my phone & walk)

Sunday, June 21, 2009

More Strengths & Threats & the WO's Too

So I'm going back to my SWOT analysis to add a few more weaknesses and threats. .. and what do you know a few more opportunities and strengths too.

Weakness: I have a tendency to get caught up in the plans instead of the actions. I'm big on buying the supplies (new shoes, gear, notebooks, food, whatever) and not so big on actually using it. That includes reading about changing instead of changing. (I just bought 3 new books, and one even says get off your duff as you read this: Move a Little, Lose a Lot.)

Threat: Cake Day. Each month at work, they order a sh*tload of cakes to celebrate the birthdays of the month. In the abstract, I think, "They aren't that good; I can resist those." On the day we get the e-mail and everyone exclaims in glee, I think, "Oh, I need this today!' I took these photos with my phone in April planning to share them with you then and saying I'd skipped it. . . but I went back later in the afternoon, sans camera, con fork. Last Thursday was June's cake day; after it, I coined a new term you can find it in this sentence, "I think I overcaked."

Opportunity: I have the opportunity to use this cute little notebook that my niece gave me for the birthday to track Weight Watchers Points in this week. Sometimes I feel like when I die (when I die fat the sh*tty voice in my head corrects), I'll leave behind 100s of little notebooks and scraps with food diaries on them. . .but still, quieting that unhelpful feeling of futility. . .. I know that tracking the food seems to be the most important step. It gives me a limit and something to work and problem solve within (like I can have the grits or the toast, but not both, so choose). Without tracking I have a tendency to be looser about allowing myself to eat what feels healthy or just doing "OK" and more likely to allow continually steps to the side (like cake day). This little notebook is cute, features my favorite amphibian (a symbol of a second life I've decided) and is small enough to fit in a pocket--a good reminder of what I am set out to accomplish.

Strength: I have an endless supply of creativity to keep tossing at this thing until I get it right.

Inspirating reminders for the week:
  1. My dad has his 2nd knee replacement this past week and was very loopy all week, talking out of this head. It's scary stuff; no surgeery is smooth and easy. I would really like to stop my trek toward knee replacment.
  2. We booked our flight to CA for the end of July to see Hubby's middle son & his wife and our 2-year-old granddaughter; it would be nice to show up in CA at least a few pounds lighter than last year and with a healthy process in course.
  3. "You can't do great for a week then bad for a week, then wonderful for three days and horrible for five. . Consistency is vital to your success. That's why this blog is titled “The Daily Diary of A Winning Loser” at losingweighteveryday dot blogspot dot com. It's not the “Every Now And Then I Do Well Diary of A Sometimes Winning Loser.” Consistency, very big element on this road."--Sean Anderson, The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser Dare I swallow my pride after having this blog for nearly a year and start counting my days. . . start at 1???

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

My Baby Unveiled

Wet Puppy
Before the Groomer's

After the Groomer's (Can you see the eyelashes?)

Sunday, June 14, 2009

My SWOTs for Achieving a Healthy Weight

Here is my SWOT list for achieving and maintaining a healthy weight. A strategic plan will follow.

Past success. I have lost a significant amount of weight before (60+ lbs) using a healthy plan (WW) and kept it off for a long period (6 years).

Food tastes. I like healthy foods a lot and know how to cook them—most vegetables, fish, skim milk, etc. So does my husband. I can afford to buy healthy foods.

Exercise experience and gear. I am no longer afraid of gyms or exercise. I’ve worked successfully with trainers in the past and know about strength training; I belong to 2 gyms—one near home; one near work; one with a pool; I own a pedometer, a treadmill, a stability ball, Zoomer swim fins, some weights, and a step. My husband wants to walk and go to the gym and pool with me.

Motivated by Winning. I like the being the best and being all I can be.

Knowledgeable and Problem-Solver. I know a lot about nutrition and starting and growing fitness plans. I am good at strategizing and working through options to stay on track and improve.

I ask for help. I’m not shy about asking people for help and not embarrassed to ask for what I want, and I take criticism I’ve asked for pretty constructively. My husband, counselor, and even my boss are prepared to help me find time and motivation to get and stay on track.

Fellow bloggers. I am following stories of people who are successfully losing and maintaining and they are also following and encouraging me.


Current size & mindset. I’m bigger than I’ve ever been and It’s hard to move and push the thoughts of defeat aside.

Inertia. I make a lot of plans but don’t follow through on them for more than a few days or a week. It’s easier to watch TV than to walk.

I let work take priority. It’s hard to feel like I can get away from work to exercise or to get home before 7:30 or 8 so I have the energy to cook healthfully and pack lunches.

I let fear of potential problems keep me from trying. Like my feet hurt and I’m afraid of hurting them more. And I have a fear of being hungry.

I feel like a failure to have to keep starting. I’m embarrassed and humiliated that I keep starting and stopping.

I get caught up in other people’s problems. This drags up my own problems and negative thinking and breeds the blues and distracts me from own direction and solutions. (Hubby made me add this one. . . hmmmm)


To take charge of my life. Be a new person who is energetic, self-loving, positive, inspirational, fit, creative, ever-learning, and generously loving.

Avoid or delay obesity associated health problems, most of which run in my family. Stay free from high blood pressure, high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes, heart attack, stroke, breast & endometrial cancers.

Improve my lifestyle to help manage depression & osteoarthritis. Use exercise to help manage depression and strengthen muscles to ease pain and increased damage of OA. Use success to help breed increased self-confidence and positive future focused thoughts.

Feel proud. Feel more positive about myself and life each day. Feel more confident and like a positive representative in my job. Be a better healthy role model to the grandkids. Change my story so I can talk about and dwell on something else besides my fat.

Wardrobe in the wings. I have lots of clothes to at least last me the next 70 lbs.


Lack of belief. I have never lived in a healthy weight range and am not sure I believe I can get there or live there.

Depression. I am prone to depression and am struggling now. It tends to paralyze me and make me very negative about my ability to succeed and to recognize my successes.

Cynicism about my future. I tend to have an inability to stay focused and confident that I can have positive future that has purpose and growth and fun with stimulating and loving people.

Self-pity, isolation, fuck-it defeated attitude.

Family history and patterns.
Parents and sister are overweight and none of them have sustained weight loss with a healthy, maintainable plan.

Diabetes and HBP waiting to happen. Plus, both my parents have mobility issues from progressive arthritis and spinal deterioration.

SWOT (of) This Fat Woman

I’ve worked for several companies, and the ones I’ve been at for more than 3 years, or that have existed for more than 3 years and have also had a few employees who have also been around at least that long, always have this in common—the same problems continue and the same, or at least very similar, solutions come up. And when they do, they either:

  • Get laughed at (the futility of it all!)

  • Scoffed at (we’ve tried that before—gong!), or. . .

  • Brushed off and tried again because the timing, circumstances, players, tools, or attitudes have somehow changed—and it was a good idea to start with.

The companies that give up get shut down. I’ve been in a few of those too.

Another thing that winning companies that I’ve been part of do is strategize their next steps by doing a SWOT analysis.

This is not to be confused with SWAT. When I Googled SWOT team, I got this image (found on with photo courtesy of N.Trung by someone else making a play about the 2 acronyms):

SWAT stands for Special Weapons and Tactics. (Does that look like a smoking ham hanging from the ceiling to you?)

Or in some cases, apparently, both:

SWOT, on the other hand, stands for Strengths, Opportunities, Weaknesses, and Threats. Really good companies create multiple SWOT lists at all levels, letting people at all key divisions participate and define authority to make changes. Their images look more like this.
(graph from:

And this:
(graph from:

And here's another good one:

I'm going to be working on my own list of Strenghs, Opportunities, Weaknesses, and Threats when it comes to getting to a healthy weight. . . I'll share. Think it might help you to do it too?

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Today's Inspiration

I heard this playing this morning--in Starbucks, of course.

Hit the parallel bars on the right in the green box (radio) to stop the usual 45 music. . .

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Come 'on, People, Give the Cow a High Five

OK, the bad news is I ate lunch at Chick Fil a and I didn't make healthy choices. (I realized as I started to post this that ugh, it revealed my misstep and would elicit an unplanned confession--perhaps a good thing.)

But the good news is that I'm not so caught up in myself or with my life that I wouldn't take the time to smile at and give the guy in the cow suit a high five.
There was this one guy in there, eating and reading the paper. The guy in the cow suit, strolled slowly over to him, stopped and tilted his head staring at the guy. It was funny and adorable.
Nothing. No response.
Cow tried moving his head the other way.
Cow moved on to other people--waved at one guy, then waved at me with both hands--I waved back with both hands, then he put up his "hoof" for a high five. Why not???
The cow walked back past the guy, did the same little cute thing again--to no avail.
Moved to peek between the door and glass window next to the guy--nothing.
I mean how hard is it to give the guy making a living wearing a cow suit a little TLC? Relax. Life is too short. Give the Cow a High Five!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Puppy Free Weekend

This weekend Hubby and I are in Charlotte visiting his daughter, her husband, and 2 of our granddaughters. They both have events this weekend.

Yesterday was the 7-year old's second piano recital, which opened with a lovely Mom-daughter duet. The best part was the pride-filled look Momma gave to daughter for the "Ready? OK!" start.

Today is the 3-year old's birthday party. If the weather cooperates it's a pool party (of the blow up 2-feet tall variety). Yesterday she greeted us in the driveway wearing her bathing suit backward with a t-shirt underneath. Why is everything they do so adorable?

This AM Hubby and stepdaughter are at church together. I am having some quiet time, sans puppy Yeats. I have thought about her and hope she is having fun. We left her in the care of our dog trainer who will "board" in her home--that means puppy gets time socializing with 3 other well trained dogs plus attention from someone she knows and loves. Seems well worth the amount over kennel costs it is a day.

I'm not looking forward to getting home after 8 PM and having her get home (likely filthy from playing outside) and trying to figure out how to get laundry done tonight. I wish I had planned better. (OK, so this isn't my most fascinating post of all time. . . sometimes the mundane takes over your brain, no?)

In my time alone this AM, I have perused other blogs. I am finding new inspiration from The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser. Sean used to weigh over 500 lbs and he's lost more than 150 so far. . . plus his whole family is on track with him. It's boosting stuff, people, check him out if you haven't already.

I've also spent a bit of time mapping out other short stories I want to write as part of a collection that I would love to publish as a novel. (This is big, important inspiration for me, that gives me a reason to focus positively on my future. . .it's a depression lifeline that I am pulling up on . . .so it is bigger news that it may appear!!) I have two stories so far and am mapping out others that go in between or before and after them. BTW, in case you were wondering, GlimmerTrain did not have the great insight to accept The Winter Mom Sold Don Quixote. . .so I'll be sending it out again. . . soon.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Recalling Physics & Geometry (or Not. . . )

I am happy to report that Hubby & I have walked every morning this week. It's not actually like walking together; with Puppy Yeats, it's more like walking with an attention-demanding, long finger nailed 2-year old. Hubby stops to reign in the baby and I keep walking, circling back sometimes for extra steps. Or sometimes we are just so far apart, we can't even see each other.

Where the Physics Comes In
This morning, as I was walking completely alone because they'd rushed out before me and were already back up the hill (I think Yeats is a bit more cooperative for Hubby when I'm not in sight, so I can't blame him really.), I was thinking about how much resistance I feel every day and how it like pushing dead weight to get myself moving. How I am conscious of every step and muscle climbing the hill. Feel the pull in my paunchy haunches. . .

I started thinking about how my college physics professor explained inertia, his words were not unlike this dictionary definition:

  1. The tendency of a body at rest to remain at rest . . . unless acted on by an outside force.

  2. Resistance or disinclination to motion, action, or change

His actions were to place a metal square weight on the desk that was in the center of the stage in our classroom auditorium--our desks were bolted down in stepped tiers above him. He walked around the desk with the weight on the left edge and repeated the definition as he move from one side to the other, to prove that indeed it wouldn't move. It seemed ridiculously overdone for such a simple concept.

But then the weight did move! We all gasped and rose from our seats. Our professor had tied fishing line to it that we couldn't see from our purview and he had given it a yank.

The point is, I'm like a blob of weight stricken by inertia. Each move seems to require a lot of initial push and a lot of reconvincing and perhaps a little "magical" pull.

I still need some time before dragging out of bed (but my mind is saying, "yes"). Doing the weights after the walk is harder to push on (I'm hot by then and sweating and it involves climbing the stairs as well. . .); we did arms on Tues as I said and legs on Weds. and skipped Thursday because we had cleaners coming to the house at 8 and skipped today because it was so easy to after yesterday.

And it's not just about moving and exercise. It's also about eating and positive thinking. All day I am noticing thoughts and pushing them away. . . no, eat your fruit; drink some water; drink hot tea; it's not time to eat yet, you probably aren't really hungry, you don't want to have to post about eating that.

And I still have times when like a big lump I find myself eating something not on the plan--esp as soon as I get home right before dinner (I haven't been following through on eating an afternoon snack before I leave work.)

I find myself moving and blowing puffs of air out--not like a sigh, but not unlike the initial push and waxing sustained snort of a whale letting air out of her blowhole. (I am pleased to announce that the only baby whale I seem to weigh more than is a beluga! Whew! The photo above is from wunderground and taken by a photographer listed as jhfelder.)

Increased Body Awareness
I do feel better, even from these few moves. I feel a bit taller and lighter--nice to know that happens from just a little start. I feel more hopeful.

I've been stopping during the walk to hoist my foot up on the lower level of a wooden fence to stretch my legs, the tightness and little pull from pointing my toes out and then toward my shins feels good. And sometimes I stop and stretch my back by bending over.

Still, after being seated for awhile I work, I stand up and my feet are tight and sore (not in the arch like plantar fasciitis, more in the pad under my big toes). It makes me want to hunch over and walk like a granny, but I try to walk as upright as I can.

I've been reading this book that has nothing to do with any of this--Out Stealing Horses by Per Petterson--but like a believer looking for Jesus in the mashed potatoes, I'm looking for messages and hope and insights everywhere.

This little scene from the book struck me as I read it and stuck with me. . .it's after the kid has dropped from a tree onto the back of a horse, crushed his balls, and then been thrown off, then meets up with hi friend Jon:

'Can you walk?' he said.

'I think so,' I said. I pushed my feet into the shoes without tying the knots, so as to avoid bending down, and then we walked on into the forest. Jon first with me at his heels with a tender crouch, my back stiff, one leg dragging slightly and one arm held firmly against my body, still further in among the trees, and I thought perhaps I might not manage to walk all the way back when the time came. And then I thought of my father's asking me to cut the grass behind the cabin a week ago. The grass had grown much too tall and would soon just bend down and stiffen to a withered mat nothing could grow up through.

I could use the short scythe, he said, which was easier in the hand for an amateur. I fetched the scythe from the shed and set about it with all my strength, trying to move the way my father moved when I had seen him do what I was doing now, and I worked until I was suitably sweaty, and it really went pretty well even if the scythe was a tool completely new to me. But alongside the cabin wall there was a big patch of stinging nettles, growing tall and thick, and I worked my way around them in a wide arc, and then my father came round the house and stood looking at me. He held his head aslant and rubbed his chin, and I straightened up and waited to hear what he would say.

'Why not cut down the nettles?' he said.

I looked down at the short scythe handle across at the tall nettles.

'It will hurt,' I said. Then he looked at me with half a smile and a little shake of the head.

'You decide for yourself when it will hurt,' he said, suddenly getting serious. He walked over to the nettles and took hold of the smarting plants with his bare hands and began to pull them up with perfect calm, one after the other, throwing them in a heap, and he did not stop before he had pulled them all up. Nothing in his face indicated that it hurt, and I felt a bit ashamed as I walked along the path after Jon, and I straightened up and changed gait and walked as I normally would, and after only a few steps I could not think why I had not done so at once.

Where Geometry Comes In
Ruminating on this scene--especially the line about how you decide on when it will hurt and straightening up and walking normally despite pain--reminded me of my physical therapy after I broke my wrist. It hurt like hell, and my PT said, 'Is this the worst thing you've ever been through?" It was both demeaning and relieving to realize it was. It was the first time really for me that pain was required to improve and heal. The relationship between that and losing weight wasn't lost on me then either.

So on my walk, I started thinking about hypotenuses. The shortest distance between two points is the hypotenuse. And, a hypotenuse looks like an a steady uphill climb. And that means, it's likely to include some pain. . . pain I can use to stop me or learn from and move on. . .

Monday, June 1, 2009

AM Walks Started, AM Weights Next

Two days down that Hubby and I have been getting up at 6 AM to walk Puppy Yeats together. We don't go far, but it is down hill and back up and it takes awhile because Yeats gets overly excited so we have to stop and get her to chill before we move on.

Tomorrow is a big day because I told Hubby I wanted to start doing some weights in the AM together. I figure we can do some bicep and tricep curls and military presses and chest presses and flies. Since we're just starting, I'm shooting for 2 sets of 12 (10 if we reach fatigue at 8).

The next day we will squats, step ups & side step ups, leg raises, and crunches.

On Thursday, I plan to leave work by 5PM so I can go to water aerobics. This is more stressful for me because I have to leave on Weds. at 4:30 to meet with PhD2. And with daily deadlines, it can be almost impossible to leave. Plus, I have this new employee training with me that is still not up to speed. Plus, I took today off to be with my visiting aunt & uncle and need to leave early on Friday to drive to see our NC granddaughters (7 year old has piano recital on Sat. & the 3rd birthday party for the other on Sun.) So I am not going to beat myself up if I can't get out. However, my goal is to start leaving on Tues., Weds. & Thurs. early--Tues & Thurs for water aerobics and Weds. for my appt. I can work from home after if necessary, but it doesn't count toward the deadlines.

Starting to get moving was something PhD2 talked with me about. I feel stiff and sore so many places. I've been having a lot of shoulder pain, all along my right scapula and across my right chest muscle (hurts to the touch). It felt much better after just one day of walking and stretching it. My knees have been catching some. My feet hurt (they are the worst part.) But I have new inspiration. I want to ride my bike (Hubby and I have started kind of dreaming about going to Maine or NH with the NH grand kids and I thought it would be great if we could all ride bikes together but not if I can't keep up.) and I want to swim and go to our house assoc pool.

I can't decide whether I want to go to pool in our subdivision now--probably more likely in the AM or late PM, hopefully when fewer people are around. I sort of feel like fuck it, if others can't take seeing me in my bathing suit, but the up and down OMG look my uncle gave me when I was in shorts when they arrived (to clean our deck), incites my hesitation.