To conquer oneself is
the best and noblest victory;
to be vanquished by
one's own nature is the
worst and most ignoble defeat.
Finding My Way Up
Well, as I've said before getting up gracefully is kind of out of my reach right now. . .literally, getting up from the floor means rolling onto all 4s (and it really hurts my knees) and pushing on something to get up; figuratively it means hauling myself back on track. . . and not too directly or cleanly. But hey, it's directionally correct, right?
Here I am at Day 59 after my day of reckoning on July 4. It's not exactly where I had hoped to be. Of course I wanted to be more focused, more reliable to myself, more removed from depression, more able to feel good about the good things in my life than fixated on the bad.
It's tempting to wipe the trek clean, like zeroing the odometer. But this is my journey and it is what it is. It's me making it, a woman who is very successful and a woman who is sometimes detoured by depression. A woman who can be very independent and upbeat and a woman who is easily swayed by the moods of her hubby or others so that she is immobilized and unable to push aside a bleak curtain. These are the strengths and challenges of my nature.
Trying to Face Forward
I've been at this awhile. I'd love to be on a straight line toward health, but a meandering path can land me in the same place. So what's 10 or 20 days of lost focus? Nothing in the scheme of things. What's gaining 4 or 6 pounds? Nothing in the long haul.
Last night I made a stew of lamb necks, carrots, and navy beans with lots of garlic and rosemary and not enough tomatoes. And even though I hadn't tracked my calories all day or stayed on a good track, I calculated the recipe. It fit.
Today, I packed my lunch and ate it, then turned back on myself and bought a brownie and some corn nuts. . .
But I have to move past nonsensical. Because there is no other direction than tomorrow. And the way to tomorrow is through tonight. And right now, I just have a glass of water. And my hubby is calm. And my puppy is brushed.
It's going to be a busy next few days. . . tomorrow I have to get to work early because I leave early for a hair appt. On Weds., I leave early for my PhD appt. On Thursday, we fly to Boston to visit my oldest stepson's family--and two of our grand kids. It will be great to see them and also heavy as their other grandfather has been recently diagnosed with liver cancer.
What can I ask and expect of myself to practice self care? What choices can I plan and rely on myself to make good on? How can I make my feet instead of my hesitant spirit lead?