Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Confessions of a NonCatholic Fat Fat Girl

I've been too down to write about how down I've been because I hate exposing my pouty, doubtful self--especially when I have no great ideas for how to get turned around.

But I got my hair cut today and my eyebrows waxed, and I know how stupid that sounds. But it just made me feel better somehow.

So now I feel like maybe I can make these confessions to you that I've been thinking about telling you, but without having to yell them up at you from the depths of despair.

So in case you haven't noticed, and even if you had, you probably wouldn't point it out to me because I've gleaned that most of this blog world is about supporting and "me tooing" to posts--not saying, "hey. . .are you sure you're doing the right thing?" or "hey, stop that!" comments (Of course I am not complaining about this as it is so easy to hurt feelings online and I like the supportive versus attacking blog land that we share.), I've been totally not following any kind of eating or exercising plan since before Thanksgiving.

And I admit it, for whatever good it does, to say that Hubby was right when he said I wouldn't be able to get back on track without feeling horrible about it when I cavalierly laid all my active and nourishing noshing ways to the side. And I let my self-caring needs become like so much trash tucked under buying and wrapping gifts that are forgotten almost as soon as they are opened and that caused Hubby so much angst for my spending. Whatever. It's done. It's done. It's over.

So here I am now. Eight pounds or so heavier. My successes are that I did create a menu this weekend and I've been sticking with it pretty well. My nemesis is exercise. I just think, "Ok, go walk now. Now is a good time." "You have a good break here, go to the gym now." But then this louder, more lazy voice, the one that must want me to keep this round face says, "Naw. . . " and my big butt stays exactly where it is. . . but there is still this little chanting inside saying, "when, when, when, when?"

And I'm planning to stop going to my PhD. I know you won't try to stop me or talk me out of it, and I'm not asking you to. Here are the reasons. First of all and mainly, I just never have really liked her. I feel like she talks to me like a Weight Watcher leader would and that feels empty. And she tends to interrupt me so we never get into many issues. And now, she's changed her hours so she doesn't have any more 5:00 appts. because she wants to take care of herself and make sure she exercises and has more time to eat dinner, and frankly, this really pisses me off and makes me jealous because I don't have this capability in my job. But more to the point, she wouldn't get me a regular 4:00 appt because she wants to "spread those around" so I haven't seen her since a few weeks before X-mas and my next appt isn't until next week and then 1 two weeks later. . . and she doesn't remember what's going on with me now from one visit to the next so I just don't feel like I'm a priority to her. And WTF if I'm paying someone to listen and they can't get it straight, screw 'em. So why am I so hesitant to call and say I'm not coming anymore? Probably because I'm not sure what to do next.

And I haven't seen my trainer. And all my paid sessions are done. And she has started her own business and though she "can" still see me at the gym right downstairs from where I work, she would prefer that I meet her in her new more private facility, which means I have to drive there. If I leave work before 6PM someone on my staff has to stay, and one of them has kids and the other one is the one who always gets stuck. This is my excuse.

WTF, I'm like a child starting to crawl all over again. I'm in the middle of the floor, and I don't know how to get over to where I want to be, and I have no idea what to do, so I think I'll just cry til I hiccup. . .


  1. Okay - move over and allow me to sit my fat butt down right next to you and join in. Maybe it's holiday hangover but I don't think so. I'm going through something deeper than that - realizing that I'm the only one I can count on anymore. I think menopause/mid-life crisis is finally forcing me to take charge of my own life - not that I've ever been that good at it up to this point; having looked to others for direction for too many years. So now having to figure out what I really want out of life is proving very tricky and extremely painful. How crazy does that sound? I have felt adrift and lonely for a long time but some answers are starting to emerge. It has felt like I've been completely disassembled and now slowly rebuilding from scratch.

    I ditched my LICSW too when I had hit the wall with her. She helped up to a point but then when she started superimposing her perfect Barbie doll life over my EPA superfund landfill existence, I knew it was time to part company and find the rest of the answers myself - however long it took. You aren't alone - even if it feels like you are.

  2. Wow. Shall I just say, "Me too. Me too."? It's the exact same time frame. Evil Erin called and said she hasn't seen me since my fitness eval. The thought of going there makes me fall ill. There is NO way I could keep up w/o consistent exercise since then. Sooo, I hear you. I'll crawl beside you. Lastly, one more for the road, "Me too."

  3. ...and another thing...The PhD stuff would really tick me off too. And why is that trainers always do that? They start their own business and move away where it isn't convenient any more. How rude and self-serving of them. I'm being sarcastic, but I get what you're saying. BTW, I'm a Catholic fat fat girl harboring guilt and shame and regret and if I went to Confession it would be take weeks, maybe months, because it's been so long. :)

  4. Do you need a hug or a kick up the butt? :))

  5. Good morning. I'm sorry you're in such pain. I won't say I've been there - I don't know exactly where you are - but I have been in my own dark empty place and I remember the pain. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

    I think you're right to stop seeing your current PhD. Doesn't sound like she has your interests in mind. She will likely want to see you one last time to put some 'closure' around the work you did together. You may want to try to find someone more accommodating.

    About the exercise. You don't need a trainer. You don't need a gym. You just need a comfy pair of shoes and your two feet. And the will to take some baby steps. Instead of having lofty exercise goals for a while, why don't you make it a goal to just move more during the day. Stand up for phone calls at work. Walk around the building (interior) when you need to take a bathroom break. Park as far away from the door as you can. And weather permitting, go for a 5, 10, 20, 30-minute walk. Being outside and getting some sunshine and fresh air on your face is incredibly healing.



  6. Please do yourself the favor of reading back through your previous posts and remind yourself that even if you're in the middle of the floor now (borrowing your metaphor), at least you are not all the way back in the doorway. It's time to turn down the negative recordings in your head, and take a step. It's okay to fall, you'll still be further along then if you just sat there, crying and hiccuping. Picture yourself doing the steps to get out to the gym and then working out - it's a visualization technique athletes use, and it really works! You can do this!!

  7. Hey all-
    How wonderful to come in and see so many loving and thoughtful comments this AM. (And one to the last post to from funny, smart Maria, the turtle gardener.)

    Last night's post about tears was a metaphor, but this morning I did have tears reading many of your words. You may be sorry. . . you may have created a monster by "letting" me pout online!

    Gigi--I've scooted over for you. Thanks! I think I am showing signs of menopause too. . . hmmmm. . . aren't I too young for this?? I would be terrified of completing disassembling so good for you! I hope I hear more about your new life.

    Tisha--how I've missed you. I feel like I've been letting you down. Thank you for sharing my rant about those self-serving trainers and counselors! HA!

    Braja--probably both! I am a gemini you know--got that split personality thing going. . .

    Maura--thank you for your kind words. You inspire me. I was thinking about baby steps in my half-awake, half asleep last night and was thinking about how baby's do take steps. . .hold on to something or someone to get up and get going, take a few steps alone, fall on their bottom. . . again, again. No baby says, 'to hell with it, I'll just remain a crawler. . ." they all walk independently at some point. . .I'm going to work to keep that "training model" in mind.

  8. Oh, Oh, oops! I left out Christine!

    I've been thinking about re-reading my own "inspirational" posts! Thanks for thinking they are worthy of helping me!

    I loved your new thinking on my metaphor. I love you, my dear friend!

  9. Get up now girl and visualize a slimmer, trimmer healthier you.

    And if you can't do that visualize whirled peas:)

    And I would love Braja to come and give me a kick up the butt :)

    I need one myself!

    Peace - Rene

  10. Oh Honey-- I have been you!! The only thing I can say is that you need to find yourself a good life coach. Stop paying a PhD, her job is to keep you coming so she can make money (I went this route before) and the fact that she won't let you speak or give you an appointment that will work pretty much shows how much she thinks she can help you.

    If you can't afford a life coach (insurance doesn't cover it) email me at mortbloom at comcast dot net and I can help you with some books to read and some suggestions that my life coach gave me.

    I have spent the last year sorting through my crap and am now on to weight loss. I am not perfect, but I will tell you what worked for me if you would like.

    My disclaimer is that I am not a certified anything and I don't do anything professionally (other than teach junior high) but I am more than willing to share what my life coach has done with me and the books that I read.

    Big hugs to you and know that you are not walking this journey alone.

  11. Nah, come away with me :) I'm leavin' tomorrow...

  12. You can do it. No use focusing on what is done. Today is a new day.

  13. I thought you were channeling me for a sec. 45 years old, no discernible eating or exercising regime since Thanksgiving (well, my bacchanalia actually started in October)...eight pounds later. Gahd, it's all too familiar. Even now, I'm dressed for the gym, but I'm sitting here reading blogs....gahd.


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