Driving from the Backseat

So have you ever had that dream where you're driving from the backseat? You can't really brake, and you're awkwardly leaning over the front seat, and you cut corners really wide?

They say this is a sign of feeling out of control or like you are not the director/driver of your own life.

I had this dream the most often when I was in Junior High & High School , when I was still living with my mom. I really did not like being a teen so much. My mom lived off and on with a man I didn't like at all for most of my teen years and she made poor decisions and my sister was a bit out of control. I felt so relieved when I left home and the decisions made--and their consequences--were mine. I didn't realize how completely trapped I had felt--what choices do you really have as a teen at home?--until I had more resources to direct my own path instead of being whipped around by the decisions of others.

Sometimes now though I think I ACT like I am driving from the backseat of the car. I act like I don't have control or can't make decisions. But it's not my mom driving my life; it's work.

For the past several weeks (hell, probably months), I've worked late most nights and worked at least some most weekends. And everything else has gone by the wayside. (I admit focusing on the new puppy hasn't helped.)

For instance, I had forgotten until 2 days ago how good vegetables taste. Night before last was the first healthy meal hubby & I made together (sauteed zucchini, sliced tomatoes with a bit of blue cheese & balsamic vinegar, and mushroom soup garnished with sauteed mushrooms) since I don't know when. I like these colored things called vegetables.

Our laundry keeps piling up in huge overstuffed baskets of clean (on the right) and dirty (on the left) that never seem to get emptied.

We suddenly have clutter in every nook and cranny of the house. (House cleaners don't "do" clutter.)

My gym clothes have been tossed in the trunk instead of the back seat.

I don't remember the last time I saw my personal trainer.

Two of my friends--one really, really important one--have written me e-mails that I haven't responded to.

I don't know when I last updated my Ipod.

I haven't even opened the Photoshop Elements I got for Christmas. I haven't downloaded the correct software for making it easy to pull photos off my camera (a gift from last May!).

We've missed at least one symphony completely because we never wrote on our calendar when our season tickets were for.

You get the picture.

So I'm trying to take back control. I decided I would bite the bullet and put in some extra hours to get ahead a bit at work. . . so I could start tomorrow's work today so tomorrow I could actually be done with the daily deadlines before 7--then I could go home, eat, open the computer to work on the next tomorrow's deadlines instead of staying at work to finish today's deadlines. Of course, everyone giving me the things with deadlines doesn't always cooperate . . . sneaking things in due tomorrow after 9PM tonight. . .

And that feeling out of control is a huge trigger for me. . . a trigger to throw in the towel on everything important to me.

Like today. Yesterday was the first time in eons that I actually logged my food on my daily menu (see the top right). I did OK. I was doing OK today. . . at least comparatively. .. then I go to this 4:45 meeting that is really just a political meeting--something I need to be seen at. . . and they have snacks and I scarf down both a bag of chips and package of shortbread. I must like this feeling of being in the pothole. I must like dragging my tailpipe behind me everywhere I go. . . coming across loud and unkempt and all around poor.