. . . . . . 45+ and Aspiring

Thumbs Up or Down? Do In Your Face Ads Help Parents Face Facts About Fat Kids?

2011-05-12T08:45:00.000-04:00

Have you seen the recent debate about the GA Ad campaigns about the dangers of childhood obesity? http://www.stopchildhoodobesity.com/ Here is one example of a TV ad. There are also billboards.

Here's a copy of an article from Sun Sentinel that is pretty much in your face with its opinion.

Your kid is fat -- admitting it is the first step

By Nicole Brochu
South Florida Sun-Sentinel

It's official, pathetic as the confirmation may be: We have become a nation that, at least in some corners, would rather coddle our children than be honest with them, even if facing facts can save their lives.

Facts like: Yes, Bobby, you're fat. But we can do something about that.

Georgia is using that bold approach, in hopes of chipping away at its unenviable ranking as number two in the nation for child obesity. The state's "Stop Childhood Obesity" campaign ads are powerful, provocative and just the kind of no-nonsense candor the fight against obesity could use -- in every state in America.

"Chubby kids may not outlive their parents."

"Big bones didn't make me this way. Big meals did."

"Fat kids become fat adults."

The ads' potency is only enhanced by the spokespeople delivering the refreshing message: fat kids. The children may be actors in an ad, but the truth in their words are no less real for them than for their audience.

And yet, while the nervy campaign has "won enthusiastic praise" from some health advocates, according to a Huffington Post report, it has also "outraged parents, activists and academics" who fear the ads only perpetuate the stigma already shrouding obesity.

To which I say, baloney.

This is what happens when people dance around the truth for so long. Confronting it seems so foreign, so blinding, that they'd rather keep their heads in the sand, to our children's peril.

"Billboards depicting fat kids are extraordinarily harmful to the very kids they are supposedly trying to help," the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance officials told the Huffington Post.

"Stigma is not an effective motivator," Rebecca Puhl, a Yale University psychologist and expert on weight discrimination, told CBS News.

I have news for these people. The billboards aren't "depicting" fat kids. They're showing fat kids as they are -- without mincing words, for once, about the dire health consequences.

The ads aren't stigmatizing these kids for their weight. That horse is already out of the barn. And the ads are not putting targets on overweight children's backs. The targets are already there. The only way to take the target off, and dump the health problems, is to take the weight off.

Just ask Maya Walters, who played Tamika in the Georgia ad campaign.

"This ad actually helped me, gave me way more self-confidence than I had before," Maya told Meredith Vieira on the "Today" show. Maya said she has been bullied about her weight, but not because of the ads.

Crying stigma and bemoaning the straight talk only distracts and undermines the campaign's worthy goal: to jolt awake the many well-meaning yet clueless parents who refuse to accept that their children are in danger.

As the ads point out, "75 percent of Georgia parents with overweight kids don't recognize the problem," and I hardly think other parents around the country fare any better.

It's time we try a new approach, because sticking our fingers in our ears, as enticing as this tactic has been, isn't helping.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about 17 percent (that's 2.5 million) of America's children aged 2 to 19 are obese -- a rate that has almost tripled since 1980.

We need a little more honesty in the dialogue, and a lot more dialogue. As parents, it seems, we worry so much about hurting our children's feelings in times like these that we are putting their very lives at risk instead. If you were a parent of a fat child, would you think that was the right choice?

Accessed on May 12, 2011 from: http://www.sun-sentinel.com/health/fl-our-health-fat-kids-ads-brochu-0512,0,5133849.htmlstory

Here are images from the campaign (from the Atlanta Journal Constitution)

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

3 Meals, 2 Snacks Down

2010-08-17T21:16:00.000-04:00

So for the first day of my "Fall Focus"--taking it one day at a time as Hubby and Jack both advised.

Came in a few calories shy of my nutritionist prescribed 1800 calories. Woo hoo.

So for breakfast I had Fiber One cereal mixed with Fiber one honey clusters and 1/2 a banana.

My really tasty, unusual lunch was minute brown rice with broiled yellow squash with a few sun dried tomatoes and 1 T low fat feta along with an orange.

For an afternoon snack at work I had a peach and 3 graham squares.

While waiting for dinner, I had a few Ry Crisps and a light Laughing Cow cheese.

Dinner was very extravagant --a 4 oz. tenderloin, with fat free refried beans, and canned spinach (not my favorite but it'll do).

Down side is that i missed my training session yesterday because I had a doctor's appointment and it was raining this AM so I didn't swim. . . but tomorrow I'm swimming or walking on the treadmill, no excuses.

The Last 2 Years

2010-08-16T19:47:00.000-04:00

I started this blog nearly 2 years ago. The goal was to try to inspire myself to lose weight.

Today I went to see a nutritionist in my doctor's office. She looked at my chart and my weight from when I was first there about 2 years ago.

It was 1 lb different.

She said, "This tells me you have learned weight maintenance. And that is a good thing."

She also said that I couldn't say trying to lose weight hadn't worked for me because I hadn't been trying.

She gave me a few handouts--a page from the food guide pyramid web site, and a picture of a plate with 1/2 of it filled by vegetables. This is all there is to offer. The only tools. I know these things. I write these things. I write these things much more motivationally than the ones she gave me.

If it's so cut and dried why do I make it so hard? Not trying is hard. I lost 60 lbs on Weight Watchers in less than 9 months, and I've spent 2 years fretting like a crazy person and had a 1 lb difference.

I am not a crazy person. I am not a stupid person. I am not a weak person. I should be focused enough to be able to do this--to hold onto the thought of wanting a different life long enough to get past the rough spots.

One thing that strikes me as a potential obstacle is that I really disdain how demonized fat people are. How people talk about being fat as though it is the worst possible thing you can be. I know a woman who had multiple abortions because she didn't want to take birth control pills because she didn't want to risk gaining weight. Now that seems crazy.

A few Christmas's ago, my daughter-in-law skipped the page in The Night Before Christmas that showed Santa smoking a pipe. She didn't want her daughter to think Santa was a bad man. Smokers are demonized.

I will not be surprised at all if Santa goes through some kind of graphic transformation to get thinned up. Like the vegetable eating Cookie Monster.

I don't want to be this fat. It's debilitating physically, emotionally, and socially. But it's not because I think fat people are ugly or lazy or weak willed.

And it really irks me that there is all this media to prevent childhood obesity and adult obesity like it's such a terrible terrible thing, but there really isn't much out there to help obese people--except handing them really simple instructions on a piece of paper or telling them to consider bariatric surgery.

Why Didn't I Think of This Snack Before?

2010-07-21T21:53:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure what made this dawn on me, but earlier this week it struck me--why not a small salad for my mid afternoon snack?

So one day this week, I brought a small amount of mixed greens, mixed with a few chopped leaves of fresh mint, with some fresh raspberries to put on them, with 1 T of low-fat Asian Ginger dressing and 1 T of Feta cheese. YUMMY!

Then, the next day, I brought the greens & mint, topped with some cantaloupe chunks, a few raspberries, and pineapple salsa. ANOTHER WINNER!

What's more, is the salad takes a lot longer to eat, and so feels more satisfying (not to mention the feeling of nutritious self-righteousness it elicits) than the 3 to 5 bites of a "bar."

Activity, Elliptical, Inspiration, Omron, Upbeat

2010-07-19T11:46:00.000-04:00

It's Vowel Headline Monday apparently.

So my company is starting this wellness "competition" in the office. If you sign up, you get a very nice Omron pedometer that I had bookmarked as a replacement to the last Omron I had that um. . . got washed.

The event doesn't start until August and goes through the end of Sept. The rules are you have to hook up your pedometer to the Internet tracker at least 50 days in that time in order to not have $28 come out of your paycheck for the pedometer. (Hey, you'd still save $.) And if you do, I think you automatically get $25.

Plus the team that has the most accumulated steps gets an extra day of vacation and I think some kind of meal.

It's caused quite a bit of hubbub in our office. So I started wearing my pedometer early to get the reality check.

Day one: just a day in the office, no exercise: a sad 3708 steps. Going to see my trainer helped a bit. . . 4932. And the best day was Friday, when we train in the gym and include some laps--6900.

So this week's goals include hitting at least 5000 steps each day. I'm trying to work my up so by the time the competition starts, I can be shooting for the standard 10,000/day.

Today is a home run because I did my training and stayed to do the elliptical for 30 minutes. (I've catapulted far from my early part of the year's success after Hubby hurt his knee and abandoned the gym at least 2 months ago.) So it's 11:43 and I already have 6615 steps.

I'm not sure how much I will walk with the "team" in the GA heat. Compared to the "average" woman's stride of 2.2, mine was 1.6. . . . but I am inspired and feeling pretty upbeat about it.

My contribution may be more along the lines of follow the leader in loops around the office!

Longing to Be as Well Trained as My Dog

2010-07-16T12:00:00.003-04:00

Several times I've compared my experiences with healthy eating to dog training. When reading Lyn's post Off the Floor about her ease of getting up and down from the floor, I find myself longing to be as efficiently trained as our sweet Golden Doodle, Yeats, who we work with repeatedly to move freely and quickly from any of these positions to the next: sit, down, and up.

If only I could move as smoothly, energetically, and enthusiastically through a quick succession of movements like these:
Sit
Down (lying down)
Up (standing)
Down
Up
Sit
Up
Down
Sit

Freeing Myself From Comfort to Sit With Discomfort

2010-07-15T22:41:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about how easy it is to fall into being comfortable with being obese. You just kind of lose touch with yourself--stop looking too closely in the mirror, keep wearing slightly too large clothes, don't see others besides your usual companions, and basically stick with the routines that keep you from having to face yourself.

And then something happens like it happened to me last week that suddenly snatches you out of that comfortable routine, bumping you rudely across some reality checks, like:

You get on a plane and realize you've forgotten your personal seat belt extender and sit through the flight with your seat belt unbuckled because you've already asked for one twice from the flight attendant and none of them seem to notice you're unrestrained, which leaves you feeling invisible (but still huge and ugly).
You can't pick up the pen you dropped on the floor while you're in a seated position.
You see yourself reflected in the elevator door behind other women and realize your shoulders are at least half again as broad as theirs, like they are women and you are some other species.
You wake up with heartburn so bad that you have to get out of bed and sit in a chair until it goes away.
You realize you can't keep up with a friend who you used to leave in the dust when you walked together.
You're working on a program to help others get healthy and you're desperate to claim the good feelings you promise them.

And then, you think about what you have to do to leave these esteem-crushing feelings behind, and it dawns on you that leaving the comfort means needing to face some uncomfortable situations, like:

Not reaching for your standard breakfast cereal that you tend to overindulge in
Sitting and waiting for your slow-eating husband to take his next bite because you're determined to not finish your meal before he's half way through like you usually do, so you're pacing him (it took him 3 minutes, I watched the clock)
Stopping eating before you feel totally "full"
Drinking water when you feel hungry instead of eating whatever you can get
Climbing the stairs in the office even though you know you'll arrive at your next meeting slightly breathless and people may notice
Taking the time to plan and shop for healthy meals over the weekend even though it feels like you're stealing time away from more "relaxing things"
Pausing to monitor calories and fat grams before you put them in your mouth and adjusting as necessary to stay within healthy limits
Stop avoiding exercises that you fear might make your knees hurt and try them, slowly. . .

Once again, I think about what we learned as we trained our GoldenDoodle, Yeats. Our trainer, Wendy, told us we had to help Yeats learn to get through feelings of frustration so she would learn she couldn't always have what she wanted and would learn to respond to our "commands."

If Yeats was acting out on the leash, we were supposed to pick her up and hold her until she became completely relaxed. (This was long before she weighed 50 lbs!) The key was not get frustrated ourselves. Just to breathe, hold her, let her fidget, until she quieted and calmed down, and not to put her down until she did. Wow. What a lesson for a little puppy.

Now I have to do that for myself. It's really tempting to avoid the frustration all together.

It might help me to picture my acting out as embarrassing and frightening as our "Cujo" puppy was on the leash --imagine myself as a "mad" dog that needs to relax through her frustration to become a sweeter, more socialized being on the other side of it.

Wow. What a lesson for a 47 year old fat woman.

Fat People & Athletes--More In Common Than You Thought

2010-07-13T10:00:00.000-04:00

You don't need to know these people or these books to get something out of this discussion. But for the record, this is a continuation of discussion about 2 interesting books I've been reading: Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon, Ph.D. and The Healthy Obsession Program by Dr. Daniel Kirschenbaum.
Fat People Have Distinctive Biologies
It seems Dr. Bacon would agree with Dr. Kirschenbaum's concept that "the overweight body powerfully resists weight loss."
They both seem to believe that the overweight body is different and has a different biology. I find that very freeing. Not because I'm off the hook of having to work--we all know biology is destiny, but because it helps me to remember that how i got to this weight is not all my fault.

Here's a run down of the fat person's biology Dr. K raises--if you don't like reading about this stuff skip down to the next colored subhead, starting with "Reframing."

Our genes. Genes have a huge influence on our metabolic power and tendency to develop excess fat. (Kids born to obese parents are 4 times more likely to be obese than kids born to lean parents.)

Our number of fat cells. We fat folk have up to 4 times as many as people who have never been overweight. You can keep developing them throughout life, and once you have them, they don't go away. Studies show that overweight people and formerly overweight people have bodies that deliver fat into the cells more efficiently than the bodies of people who have never been fat. In fact, people who have never been fat seem to have more fat transported into muscles to be used as immediate fuel. (Lucky us.)

Our insulin response. Insulin allows our cells to use sugars, called glucose, for energy in our body. Some overweight people have too much insulin and their body becomes insensitive to it so that sugar can't get into the cells as easily. You've probably heard about this--it's called insulin resistance and it can make you prone to developing type 2 diabetes.
Here's the rub, losing weight makes your bodies fat cells more sensitive to insulin but your muscle cells less sensitive to insulin. And that means you may store that sugar as fat and gain weight more easily after losing it.

And there's more to the insulin story: overweight people increase their insulin responses just by SMELLING and SEEING food--even just THINKING about food.

Our "I'm Hungry" enzyme. LPL is an enzyme that moves fat in the body. When you lose weight, more LPL is released and sends messages to the brain: "Eat now!"

Our appetite hormones. Leptin is the hormone that directs the among of fat that gets stored in fat cells by affecting appetite. When weight loss causes fat cells to shrink, less leptin is released, which increases appetite. Ghrelin is another appetite hormone.

Our fat-grabbing ability. Adiponectin is a protein secreted by fat cells that helps sugar in our blood get into our cells to be used for energy. The more fat cells you have, and the bigger they are, the less adiponectin your fat cells secrete. And that means that overweight people have a greater propensity to direct blood sugar into fat cells--not use it for energy.

Reframing Your Ideas About Your Fat Biology
So what's the path to overcoming this resistant biology? Dr. K says. . . (just a reminder to what I said yesterday--I pulled these quotes from an interview with Dr. K and reordered to display my point but I don't think I've corrupted his messages.)

Overweight people . . . have to become super-normal in their way of handling everything that affects their eating and exercising. So, it's much more like an athlete in training than it is like somebody with a neurotic problem.

How overweight people should think of their biologies is similar to the way athletes have to think about their performances. Research on skilled performance - everything from chess to piano to athletic performance shows that the difference between better performance and worse performance, more than anything else, is the amount of time, practice, and quality of instruction.

So, it's the same deal with weight loss. If you want to put the time into this, if you want it to get better, you can do it! Just because your biology says "Here's the way I'd like to go," doesn't mean you give into it. We have biological urges every single day that we resist from sexual things, to overeating, to grabbing things out of a storefront. We always have to manage urges in which our biology is directing us in one place and we have to go somewhere else. That's the way it is with weight control - the biology is moving you in a certain direction but you gotta say, "Well, I'm not going there, biology.

I Loves to See Travolta Dance

2010-07-13T09:59:00.001-04:00

Not skinny Saturday Night Fever Travolta, but older a little meat on his bones Travolta! Whew, baby!

Then I can't embed this one, but check out--from Michael!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SivKzsZOf_o&feature=related

Which Motivates You More? Feeling Good or Feeling Rotten?

2010-07-12T19:00:00.003-04:00

it doesn't matter if you are familiar with the people I'm talking about. . just keep reading. I think you'll be interested.

At first glance, it might seem that Dr. Kirschenbaum's philosophies and Dr. Bacon's (both Ph.D's, not MDs or nutritionists, just for the record), are the complete antithesis of each other.

Afterall, Dr. B recommends abandoning the concept of dieting for intuitive eating and Dr. K. advocates for a very low fat diet (max. 20 grams a day).

But I like what both of them have to say. And there are some important core principles that they share.

Wanting to Feel Good Can Motivate You Longer than Self-Loathing

Dr. K shares what some of his patients have said to him: "The life of an overweight person is incredibly difficult. It's filled with unhappiness about oneself and awkwardness about such things as, What am I going to wear and I don't look good in this and Nothing fits and . . . I'm awkward and I can't move and I'm aching. It's just so filled with negativity."

Doesn't his response to these feelings sound like what I wrote yesterday about HAES? (

I couldn't find a site completely focused on Dr. K's philosophies, though he's written several books. But I did find a helpful interview with him. And I pulled and regrouped some of his quotes to make my points.)

I help people to deal with their bodies as temples, as something to be proud of, no matter what shape they're in, if they can possibly do it. A lot of people can make this shift and that makes them feel better right away. This doesn't mean they're less motivated - in some ways it makes them more motivated because they're focusing on their physical beings. --D. Kirschenbaum, Ph.D.

Consistency Counts in Self-Love & Nurturance

To do what Dr. K prescribes: 20 grams of fat a day or less, 10,000 steps or more, and self-monitoring--you gotta believe in the beauty and power and potential of yourself. Here's what Dr. K. says:

I say to people, "Look, I know how tough this is to be this focused, but it's better than the alternative. [My interpretation--all those negative feelings.] Let's work on it. But when you work on it, why not feel better while you are going through it?" And, the research shows that people very consistently feel better once they engage in this process.

And what's the key to Dr. K's process?

The bottom line of an effective weight loss program is an extremely consistent approach. Most diet plans emphasize moderation. That doesn't work. The research evidence indicates that weight control is a journey that does not begin with just the first step. It begins when all of the steps start coming together in a very consistent way. A strong degree of consistency in doing the behaviors that lead to weight loss is necessary in order to overcome the very resistant biology of excess weight.

Come back tomorrow. . . I'll share more about that resistant biology!

The Road to Happiness Is Wide Enough for Everybody

2010-07-11T19:00:00.002-04:00

I've been doing a lot of research lately about weight. Interestingly, it's for my work. Not so surprisingly, it's been easy research for me to do and easy to read what I find.

It seems as I continue to slog through the info that the "truth"--if there is any truth--is somewhere between Linda Bacon's philosophy about Health at Every Size and Daniel Kirschenbaum's philosophy of Healthy Obsession Program.

Health at Every Size Philosophy

Linda Bacon's HAES goal is to support "people in adopting healthy habits for the sake of health and well-being (rather than weight control.)"

Bacon's core goals are:

Self-acceptance: affirm beauty and worth regardless of size or shape
Physical activity: increase activity for pleasure and improved quality of life
Normalized eating: internally directed eating, honoring pleasure and appetite

Her tenets include:

Change occurs when individuals value themselves enough to want an improved life
Accepting weight is about taking control, not giving up
Lightening up on the pressure to lose weight and the letting go of despair empowers people to move on
When pleasure and vitality are considered, being active is an act of self-nurturance
Dieting should be replaced with internally-directed eating: honoring your hunger, feeling your fullness, pleasing your palate (the last 3 phrases were coined in Intuitive Eating.)
The reason for change should be replaced--no longer "lose weight and/or prevent disease"--where fear is the motivator. Instead, the reason for change should be pleasure, self-efficacy, and a sense of purpose and meaning--where enjoyment is the motivator.

Bacon's "Live Well" Pledge

Today, I will try to feed myself when I am hungry.
Today, I will try to be attentive to how foods taste and make me feel.
Today, I will try to choose foods that I like and that make me feel good.
Today, I will try to honor my body's signals of fullness.
Today, I will try to find an enjoyable way to move my body.
Today, I will not try to change my body to fit others' standards.
Today, I will try to look kindly at my body, and treat it with love and respect.

The title of this post is a phrase that Dr. Bacon uses. I like it. Do you?

Tomorrow I'll hit some highlight's from Dr. Kirschenbaum's Healthy Obsession Program.

Since We Last Met: A Pictorial Review

2010-07-10T18:32:00.001-04:00

Here's a few images from what's happened in my world since I last blogged. Hope you enjoy them. And the new song is for Carrie.

It's All Good: The Moral of Pete the Cat

2010-04-18T15:39:00.002-04:00

Last Week of Perfect 10 Challenge

2010-03-14T21:01:00.000-04:00

Week #10 for My Goals for the First 10 Weeks of 2010

It's the end of Steve's Perfect 10 Challenge, which was a 10 week challenge to make progress on 10 goals.
The Perfect 10 guidelines include updating every Friday on how you're doing. I had plans to end the last week really strong. . . but it didn't quite work out the way I'd hoped. It was a busy busy week at work--working mostly 11 hour days. That makes fitting in the rest of life a bit challenging.

Plan out my weekly menu in advance and preferably use it to grocery shop (weekly menu comes from new Eating Well Diet cookbook or site, SparkPeople, Weight Watchers, or other healthy meals); meals should equal ~1500 calories a day

How I did: I planned it, but didn't stick with it. I feel like I'm no more practiced at this really than I was at the start of the year Sigh..

Use one weekend day (or an weekday evening night) to cook ahead--soups for lunches, veggies for the week, and perhaps 1 dinner entree.

How I did: Bombed! Did not do this. . . worked Sun afternoon and just didn't get ahead.

Plan 2 nights a week where dinner is easy--like hummus & veggies, a vegggie burger or other quick sandwich

How I did: Sadly. If I don't do this on Sundays, it basically doesn't happen and I have kind of a bad attitude about giving my weekends over to this. . . still needs work even after 10 weeks (though even as I write, I have a chicken cooking to make chicken potato soup and to use for a mexican casserole).

Pack my lunches most days and eat the lunch I packed.

How I did: I brought my lunch 3 days and ate out 2 days because I didn't plan ahead well. This was the worst week I've had all year in terms of just not having the meals under control. I feel like I've made strides toward this since the first of the year. I prefer my packed lunches AND my packed snacks.

Get up 4-6 days a week with Hubby to swim at the gym, and keep increasing the intensity each week. [Modified week 2 to be get up to do cardio--but not necessarily swim]

How I did: VERY WELL! Only swam two times--Sat. and Tuesday, did other workouts. My swimming lesson on Friday got cancelled. But I did buy myself a kick board and learned some new ways to practice. Am really proud of how we've stuck with swimming and about adding in a swimming coach!

Learn the breast stroke.

How I did: Still just working on my freestyle with a swim coach. But I'm looking forward to some tips on this.

Work out with Hubby & trainer two times a week

How I did: BETTER THAN GOAL! For our 6th week, we did 3 sessions with Trainer Ray: Monday, Thursday, Friday. This has been a great success for us this year so far and we're signed up for the rest of the year. . . so it's looking good.

Ride the recumbant bike at least 2x a week and increase time at least every two weeks

How I did: I rode the recumbant bike on one of our cardio days and even did about 5 minutes on the upright stationary just to see what it felt like. Not bad. It's getting to be bike season. . .more goals to come here.

Start going to church with Hubby and actively look for friends

How I did: Went for the 2nd week in a row. .. Hubby isn't loving the atmosphere. . .we'll see. Feel like church hasn't panned out well, but I have my eye on a few people to try to make more connnection with.

Make a point to be aware of and challenge negative thinking

How I did: Had an OK week mood wise. Just very very busy at work. My mom finally came home after 5 weeks of being with my aunt in hospice. (My aunt died.)

Another Thrilling Secret About Me
I'm such an open book that it's hard to think of things. . . I had surgery on my knees when I was about 4 years old. I was "one-third club footed"--pigeon toed. The surgery they did was state of the art then but considered barbaric now. They basically turned my knee caps around and I had a body cast from my toes to my chest for 6 weeks. I had to learn to walk again. Supposedly, they put pins in my knees that were supposed to move up my thigh with age, but I've had several X-rays and there are no signs of pins. . . in fact doctors say except for the scars on my legs, they can't tell from X-rays that I ever had any kind of surgery. . . .weird, huh?

No Longer Trespassing?

2010-03-06T22:17:00.000-05:00

So Hubby and I had a very interesting experience this morning. We checked out the another world. The World of Fit people. We did this by venturing into a Sports Authority.

It's not like I've never been in a sports store. I buy things at one occasionally--like my favorite expensive socks--Thorlos. And in the past, I've sometimes needed a single something or other that lead me in and directly to the item.

And sometimes at Christmas I've been known to venture in for baseball shirts for my brother-in-law, or a bat for my nephew, or a football for my grandson.

But today, today was different. It was a new day.

We went in and stopped first at the golf clubs. Amazingly lightweight, these new clubs. I told Hubby, sure I'd consider hitting a few buckets of balls with him this spring. . .

An employee sped by us, calling out, "Finding everything you need?" I asked where swimming things were and Hubby caught me by surprise by saying, "And we're just looking around at some other stuff."

We moved on to swimming gear. I picked up a kickboard and a new pair of goggles since my were leaking. These are what I came in for.

But nearby were basketballs. . . sometimes Trainer Ray takes us into the basketball court at the gym for part of our workout. Usually we walk around it, occasionally jog, do some freeweights in there. He & Hubby sometimes shoot baskets. I joined in for the first time last week. Yesterday, he had us throw the basketball at the wall, have it bounce and then catch it. Pretty basic, huh?

OK, so at the risk of you finding out that, yes, I have been under some kind of recreational rock, this little exercise was exciting and motivational for me. I threw the ball at the wall, it came back and bounced, but I had to step back to catch it. Or step left. Or step right. Or step back two times. I looked over at Hubby and the woman working out with us to see how they were doing. Their balls were hitting the wall and coming down perfectly with one bounce so it basically tossed itself directly back into their hands. Hmmmmmm

So I make an adjustment, a kind of unconscious adjustment. And now my ball is coming right back to me too. It made me feel in control. In telling Hubby this later (yes, he is wonderful to listen to these banal self-aggrandizing monologues), I realized that I just threw the ball a little lower on the wall and with a little less force. Recognizing what I had done made me feel powerful.

When we started walking, I held onto my ball and dribbled and walked. . .

Today in Sports Authority. I picked up several balls and experimented with dribbling. Like unruly kids, Hubby & I dribbled and then tossed balls to each other, sometimes bouncing sometimes not. We picked up a standard indoor/outdoor basketball. . . there are courts in our neighborhood, we could play horse, try shooting some baskets. I am not to throw the ball against the house, Hubby tells me. But, hey, there is the driveway. . .

We moved on to look at rackets for racketball. . . there are courts in the gym. Hubby says it could be fun. But then he decided one tnew hing at a time would be a good idea. So I didn't suggest to him that we also buy mitts and a softball; you know I've never caught a ball in a glove. . . but one thing at a time, let's get the basketball separated from its packaging. . . let it see the sunlight. . . meet the pavement. . .

We're still aliens, but I think we're on our way to not be visitors in this new land any longer. . .

Week #9 of Perfect 10- Challenge

2010-03-06T13:23:00.000-05:00

Week #9 for My Goals for the First 10 Weeks of 2010

It's the end of week 9 of Steve's Perfect 10 Challenge, which is a 10 week challenge to make progress on 10 goals.
The Perfect 10 guidelines include updating every Friday on how you're doing.

Plan out my weekly menu in advance and preferably use it to grocery shop (weekly menu comes from new Eating Well Diet cookbook or site, SparkPeople, Weight Watchers, or other healthy meals); meals should equal ~1500 calories a day

How I did: Very well! .planned the menu and studk to it every night for dinner (except for the night the fish smelled too fishy. . . ) I didn't plan snacks though, and it really showed in my snack choices. . .

Use one weekend day (or an weekday evening night) to cook ahead--soups for lunches, veggies for the week, and perhaps 1 dinner entree.

How I did: Redeemed from last week! I cooked a tuna casserole recipe use Shiritake noodles (my first take with them.) and I made some Asian Chicken Soup.

Plan 2 nights a week where dinner is easy--like hummus & veggies, a vegggie burger or other quick sandwich

How I did: SUCCESS! One night we ate the above mentioned soup with some frozen chicken poststickers. Another night we ate whole sheat fettacine with jarred spagahettii sauce, with some mushrooms added.

Pack my lunches most days and eat the lunch I packed.

How I did: I stayed at home todays and those days sometimes eat up more loose instead of controllled. . . go figure. Then on my first day back, I let an employee talk me into eating out. . . chose a salad,, but we share d a bit of calamari first. I did well with eathing what I packed the other 2 days. . . but missed planning & eating my snacks. Succumbed to the mini Baby Ruths in the candy dishes (some jerk placed a new bowl near the printer!)

Get up 4-6 days a week with Hubby to swim at the gym, and keep increasing the intensity each week. [Modified week 2 to be get up to do cardio--but not necessarily swim]

How I did: BEAUTIFULLY! We swam on Sat. I swam by myself on Sun. We swam on Weds. AM after our training session. And I had my 2nd swimming lesson on Friday night.

Learn the breast stroke.

How I did: Well . . . .I didn't practic this because I'm working on my freestyle with a swim coach.

Work out with Hubby & trainer two times a week

How I did: BETTER THAN GOAL! For our 5th week, we did 3 sessions with Trainer Ray: Monday, Thursday, Friday.

Ride the recumbant bike at least 2x a week and increase time at least every two weeks

How I did: As I've mentioned before, I've adapted this goal for just regular cardio training.
I did ride the rumbant bike for 20-25 minutes on Monday--mostly out of wanting to avoid the treadmill.

Start going to church with Hubby and actively look for friends

How I did: AHA! FINALLY! With only one more week to go in the challenge I accompanied Hubby to church! Several people introduced themselves, we went to an after-service meeting for folks new to the church, and we stayed for Humanist group meeting.

Make a point to be aware of and challenge negative thinking

How I did: I gave myeslf some time off this week to recoop, regroup, and revitalize. I stayed home from work and shopped and got caught up on laundry and cook and thought about compromising on vacations and continuining being active. It was very helpful, PhD approved (after the fact), and really helped me feel upbeat and energized nd reinvigorated. Maybe this is what they mean by self care.

Another Thrilling Secret About Me
I am rather uninformed about current events. Compared to my core, original family (Mom, Dad, sister), I'm probably the best informed. . .but that isn't a bragworthy claim to fame. I didn't grow up watching the news or reading the paper, and I'm still not big on it now. I watch the Today show as I get ready for work, but that clearly fails big time in terms of leraning about things like who's running for office or what's happening in Mexico. Sometimes the things Hubby says amaze me, and I'll say in bewillderment, "How do you know these things?!" And he says back flatly: "I read the paper."

But then we moved to Atlana. The AJC sucks. (Sorry) I read Dear Abby and my horoscope. . . and you know sometiems one of them actually does allow me to contribute to a conversation in an entertaining or thought-provoking way!

I do like NPR alot. But I leave too late to hear the news in the AM and I really hate hearing about the individual battles in Iraq or Afganistan. It makes me feel hopeless. But I do liike hearing about and would like to be more informed about the real issues and steps being taken in health care and education. It's amazing to me how many people can burst out with such opinions or ideas with really no true knowledge or facts at all. . . and these are the people who seem to always make it to the polls, no?

Week #8 Perfect 10 Challenge

2010-02-27T21:17:00.000-05:00

Week #8 for My Goals for the First 10 Weeks of 2010

It's the end of week 6 of Steve's Perfect 10 Challenge, which is a 10 week challenge to make progress on 10 goals.
The Perfect 10 guidelines include updating every Friday on how you're doing.

Plan out my weekly menu in advance and preferably use it to grocery shop (weekly menu comes from new Eating Well Diet cookbook or site, SparkPeople, Weight Watchers, or other healthy meals); meals should equal ~1500 calories a day

How I did: SPLAT that's the sound of me hitting bottom on this this weekend. Eating all around was a bad, bad thing. . .

Use one weekend day (or an weekday evening night) to cook ahead--soups for lunches, veggies for the week, and perhaps 1 dinner entree.

How I did: SPLAT & SIGH--didn't redeem myself mid week either

Plan 2 nights a week where dinner is easy--like hummus & veggies, a vegggie burger or other quick sandwich

How I did: Um. . . did I mention that I didn't plan?

Pack my lunches most days and eat the lunch I packed.

How I did: Actually in this area I did Fair. Monday was bad--ate at a conference and not just lunch but 2 snacks that I'd rather not talk about. . . But I brought a Lean Cuisine on Tuesday with a side salad, on Weds. I worked at home and had a grilled ham & cheese; and then on Thurs & Fri I brough leftover Chinese food from an evening of takeout. Normally I would consider that a failure, but in comparison with the rest of the week, considering I contained the amount. . . it was better than some other alternatives.

Get up 4-6 days a week with Hubby to swim at the gym, and keep increasing the intensity each week. [Modified week 2 to be get up to do cardio--but not necessarily swim]

How I did: Even this was tough this week. We didn't swim on Tuesday like usual because I had to be at work early, and I felt too busy on Friday AM so we didn't swim them either. However I did swim Friday night. . .

Learn the breast stroke.

How I did: Well . . . .I didn't practice the breast stroke. . . but I DID start swimming lessons and got a lot of good feedback on my freestyle stroke (breast stroke to come!)

Work out with Hubby & trainer two times a week

How I did: BETTER THAN GOAL! For our 4th week, we did 3 sessions with Trainer Ray: Monday, Thursday, Friday.

Ride the recumbant bike at least 2x a week and increase time at least every two weeks

How I did: As I've mentioned before, I've adapted this goal for just regular cario training. This was the worst week we've had all year in terms of fitting in cardio. We didn't stay to do cardio after our training on Monday like usual because I had to be at a conference early. On Tuesday, Hubby went to the gym but I stayed in bed. We did do cardio on Weds. And I did elliptical and some recumbant bike. And I did the elliptical on Friday too.

Start going to church with Hubby and actively look for friends

How I did: Same as last week: I had no excuse for not going and Hubby was really upset with me. So help me. . .I WILL set the alarm and get up tomorrow. Hubby needs my presence to help him be confident about talking to others and we need to expand our world.

Make a point to be aware of and challenge negative thinking

How I did: This was another tough, tough week. It just seemed to get worse and worse. The bright spot was when I picked up the phone and made the plans for swimming lessons--a huge postive step in the right direction. I also told Hubby on Weds. that I was feeling bad and that helped me get out the dark isolation. And I had a blubbery, but helpful PhD session. The good news is the battery on the scale is dead. . . I highly recommend that after a bad week.

Another Thrilling Secret About Me

I love wildflowers. I love walking in the woods (I'm a path person, though.) and looking for flowers. My favorite are Jack-in-the-Pulpits. I also like seeing spiders (they're fascinating OUTSIDE--I'm not happy about them at all in the house--especially when they are above my head level. . . I don't like the idea of them falling on me!) I also love lily of the valley (and almost any flower that grows in bunches like that) and bleeding hearts. I lean toward the purse-shaped flowers.

Swimming Lesson #1: Freestyle Deconstructed

2010-02-27T17:35:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Stacia at Swimming It Off, I decided to take swimming lessons. That was her advice when I asked her how to gain endurance so I could swim laps. I thought doing this would add some spice and excitement back into my workouts. Not that they are bad, but the new romance just isn't as strong and energizing as it was at the beginning. So I wanted to refresh that.

So last night was my first lesson. In 1/2 hour I learned all these things that I am doing wrong with my freestyle:

Kicking under the water instead of making a splash
Kicking from the knee sometimes instead of kicking from the hip
Taking 3 strokes, then 4 strokes to breathe (this alone could wreck havoc with my endurance)--I was doing this so I only breathed from my right side
Only breathing from one side
Lifting my head forward after taking a breath (so I've been turning my head to breathe then facing forward)
Not looking straight down while swimming
Not rolling enough to breathe--using my neck more (my instructor didn't tell me this, but hubby did as he watched me practing all my new techniques this AM)

Despite the fact that it looks like I was doing lots of things wrong, he said I had a good foundation and balance and positoning. And, I'm encouraged because once I correct and master these elements, I should have a way more effiecient stroke that helps me breathe more properly and move more properly--thus expanding my endurance!

But I will tell you, he ran through the above pretty quickly and had me trying to make all the corrections at once! It was like rubbing my head and patting my tummy. I found myself gulping in water and spitting and sputtering in ways I haven't done in years!

I have to say I feel like I can tell the difference in kicking already--not only speeding me up in the water but with a mile soreness on the outside of my thighs. And laying in bed this AM as goofy as it sounds, I felt a bit longer.

I'm looking forward to having all these things get engrained. I think swimming laps could feel meditative. . .

I Need Some Sugar in My Bowl--I Ain't Fooling

2010-02-24T21:16:00.000-05:00

If you have the sound on on your computer, you're hearing Nina Simone singing Little Sugar in My Bowl.

Right now this song is metaphor for my life. I am just not getting fed enough from any angle. . .

I need some sugar in my bowl at work in terms of more recognition.
I need some sugar in my bowl at home with more loving kindness and just plain ole loving from Hubby.
I need some sugar in my bowl at the gym--more of those initial high feelings and more recognizable results.
I need some sugar in my bowl literally--just craving those darn sweets!
I need some sugar in my bowl in terms of self-care and self-love and knowing how to keep myself boosted and less needing the attention, feedback, and love from others.

I feel so funny; I feel so sad.

But I'm sure this too shall pass.

Week #7: Perfect 10 Goals Update

2010-02-20T22:22:00.000-05:00

Week #7 for My Goals for the First 10 Weeks of 2010

It's the end of week 6 of Steve's Perfect 10 Challenge, which is a 10 week challenge to make progress on 10 goals.
The Perfect 10 guidelines include updating every Friday on how you're doing.

Plan out my weekly menu in advance and preferably use it to grocery shop (weekly menu comes from new Eating Well Diet cookbook or site, SparkPeople, Weight Watchers, or other healthy meals); meals should equal ~1500 calories a day

How I did: Well. . . I made the effort to PLAN it and post it on the fridge and that was as far as I got! Dinner plans tanked again. . . but i managed to stay mostly in check anyway.

Use one weekend day (or an weekday evening night) to cook ahead--soups for lunches, veggies for the week, and perhaps 1 dinner entree.

How I did: I made chili over the weekend so I had that leftover for lunch one day. And another day I brought cabbage roll casserole that I had frozne frozen from another week.

Plan 2 nights a week where dinner is easy--like hummus & veggies, a vegggie burger or other quick sandwich

How I did: Already talked about how my planning tanked. This week I will WRITE down what I eat on my calendar on the nights I divert from my plans.

Pack my lunches most days and eat the lunch I packed.

How I did: Excellent! On Tuesday I took an employee to lunch, but I did good--ordering a salad with shrimp and a side of asparagus. Talked about lunches for 2 other days under #2 and on the other 2 days I was at home for lunch.

Get up 4-6 days a week with Hubby to swim at the gym, and keep increasing the intensity each week. [Modified week 2 to be get up to do cardio--but not necessarily swim]

How I did: Fantastic! Monday was a holidaybut Hubby & I got up to meet with our trainer at 6:30, then did 25 minutes of cardio (I did elliptical and recumbant bike) and 30 minutes of swimming. On Tuesday we did cardio & swimming. And today (Sat.) we swam.

Learn the breast stroke.

How I did: I don't feel like I'm getting much forward motion with my current approach. . I'm going to look at the videos I have again and will at least check out adult swimming lessons per advice from Mid Life Swimmer. I wonder if I could get someone to meet me at my gym?

Work out with Hubby & trainer two times a week

How I did: BETTER THAN GOAL! For our 4th week, we did 3 sessions with Trainer Ray: Monday, Thursday, Friday.

Ride the recumbant bike at least 2x a week and increase time at least every two weeks

How I did: As I've mentioned before, I've adapted this goal for just regular cario training. I did cardio every day but Thursday. The BIG success was that Hubby had a doc's appt on Weds AM but I got up anyway and went the gym alone and had my first 30 min session on the elliptical. I ROCK.

Start going to church with Hubby and actively look for friends

How I did: Same as last week: I had no excuse for not going last week--Hubby even went without me. The plan is to go tomorrow.

Make a point to be aware of and challenge negative thinking

How I did: Had a tough week. Had a nasty run-in with a colleague at work on Tuesday which frankly knocked me on my ass so much that I chose to work at home on Weds. Managed to pull myself together after my PhD appt on Weds. evening and reinforced the positive energies by talking with my boss about it.

Another Thrilling Secret About Me

I couldn't pronounce the letter "r" when I was a kid. I'd say my favorite color was "puwple," Easter had "wabbits," we had a yellow "caw." My parents thought it was cute and would make me say things in front of their friends and I'd cry from embarrassment. I was in speech therapy through school in second grade with a nasty woman who would push my cheeks together. It seems like I was in it again somewhere I don't quite recall. Then, I was in speech therapy again in 4th grade. I remember the humiliation of going throught the tests and getting chosen, and I remember the embarrassment of having to leave class to go to the therapy.

But luckily for me the speech therapist that time was superb. She had all these clever games that she used to encourage us to say our sounds. And she explained how our sounds were made--how we had to hold our tongues to make them--instead of poking as us or pinching us. I was the first to graduate from her group. I wept at having to leave her. And it turned out to be the first major success I had as a student. . . my first major sense of standing out and succeeeding.

Are You De-Evolving From Exercise?

2010-02-18T21:58:00.003-05:00

You know how sometimes people say it's going to get worse before it gets better? Well sometimes I think that might be true when it comes to exercise.

Tell me, doesn't this seem like some kind of reverse evolution?

First, there's the nocturnal stirring--arising before sunrise. Followed by the crude AM workout apparel--definitely not the cutting-edge fashion and style of a modern woman--clothes that you normally would never leave the house in--a low-hanging crotch but high on the ankle. . .don't you think flood pants make your arms look longer. . . even chimplike perhaps? And don't forget the unruly bed head that no amount of brushing helps.

Next, there's the sweat. . . what sophisticated woman creates a bib of sweat ? Not to mention the soaking wet bra and the dampened band around the underwear and leaving wet head marks on each machine she climbs on, swinging her legs over, or under, pulling herself up for the next machine--not unlike swinging from vine to vine.

And the chugging of a bottle of water in 4 desperate gulps. . .

Staring at a clock so intently that a bystander would think you'd never seen such an innovation. . .

Finally, there's the post workout stiffness. After sitting a bit, the muscles and joints cramp up so that standing results in hardly more than a stoop, made more crude by an accompanying gorilla's grunt. . .

The turnaround comes as you take the modern miracle--NSAIDS--and drop your weary body into bed early, to rejuveate . . .so the next morning you can arise, stand upright, and start it all again!

Wild & Wacky Wednesday

2010-02-17T22:17:00.001-05:00

A few random things that have struck me as silly recently. . . some of them have obviously been around for awhile. . . but they are all new to me.

#1 Wackiness: Bee Efficiency Beats Vee Effiency
If you compare how well a bee uses its fuel--honey--compared to how well a car (and specifically a Volkswagon) uses gas, there is obviously no comparison. According to a scientist who actually gets paid to do this this work, in a comparitive framework, a bee would get 4,704,280 miles/gallon. Now tell me, aren't you just dying to know how they calculated this? Here's the scoop from the NPR story :

"Experimenters take a bee, give it all the honey it can eat and then tether it to a pole. (This neither harms nor seems to disturb the bee.) It then flies round and round until, basically, it runs out of fuel. The pole measures the distance flown by the rotating bee. Because the experimenter now knows how far a bee can travel on a bee-belly of fuel, you scale up to imagine how far it would go if it had a gallon-sized belly. That's how you calculate Bee Miles Per Gallon. "

If you want to hear the full story, with a great "bee" song by none other than Muddy Waters, you can listen to the How Bees Humiliate Humans--click the listen link at the top. Then, you can hear my favorite line from the story: "Ummmm, if you could introduce me as the International Coordinator for the Pollinator Partnership." If that job doesn't excite you perhaps you want to be the person who tethers bees?

Perhaps my mom should apply. . . my mom tethered a praying mantis once--I kid you not--it was our pet and she thought it looked sickly so she tied it to the porch so it could eat grass (sadly, they are carnivores)--my sister and I ran outside to retrieve and found a red thread tied to the porch and dangling in the wind. . .

#2 Wackiness: Kids Get a Lift at Mardi Gras Parades
A friend of mine went to Mardi Gras last weekend. I've never been so I did not know of the prolific ladder lifting devices they use to raise children to the heights of tossed beads. Various homemade devices have some kind of "box" at the top, with attahed wheels, I suppose for easier toting to the parade site. I had no trouble finding pictures online once I knew these things existed.

Seems a little teetering to me. . . but then again I broke my wrist falling off a little one step stool. . . shouldn't these kids be wearing helmets? At the least catcher's masks?? And wouldn't this make you nuts if you were suddenly standing behind an 8 ft tall 2 year old??

#3 Wackiness: Pet Rapture Insurance

No, I don't mean insurance for prehistoric pet rapTORS. . .I refer instead to insurance for those Christians waiting for THE rapture and who also happen to have pets. According to Christian sources, pets have no souls and therefore will not be taken to heaven at the time of judgement.

So what is a pet loving Christian to do?

The answer: get rapture insurance. For a mere $110, and only $15 for additional pets, Christians can leave this earth feeling assured that Fluffy and Spot will be taken care of after their departure.

Oh, did we mention they'll be leaving their beloved dears with a SINNER--not just ANY sinner but the sinner of the worst kind--a nonbelieving SINNER--a self-declared atheist. I am not making this up.

"He (the insurance broker) must reassure the Rapture crowd that his pet rescuers are wicked enough to be left behind but good enough to take proper care of the abandoned pets. Rescuers must sign an affidavit to affirm their disbelief in God—and they must also clear a criminal background check."

I saw the story in the Atlanta Journal & Constitution just yesterday, though apparently it's been around for a at least a year--maybe that's why the sinking AJC didn't post the story online yesterday. . . I had to find it on a Businessweek site.

The last line of the story is priceless:

"If we thought the Rapture was really going to happen," Centre says, "obviously our rate structure would be much higher."

Wackiness #4: iPod, iPhone, IPad. . . iTit

Ok, I got this in an e-mail just yesterday too, though apparently it's also been around for awhile. . . I found reference to it since 2007!

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants.

The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size . This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

If this were true, all those waitresses in Tilted Kilt & Hooters would have theirs tuned to sports radio . . . bring on the tips!

Three Types of Bucket Lists

2010-02-15T12:38:00.000-05:00

You know what a bucket list is, right? One of those lists you make of things you want to do before you die.

The thing is when you read about creating one or hear people talking about it. They often will put these 3 suggestions together as tips for creating one:

Think of things you want to do before you die
Think of things that you'd feel disappointed about if you died before you got to do them, and
Think of what you'd do if you were going to die tomorrow or soon

Well, I'm sorry. But to me these would lead to 3 entirely different types of lists. The first one feels plush with time. You can put all kinds of things there--see New Zealand, snorkle off the Great Barrier Reef. . . get to a healthy weight and stay there, wear a strapless dress someplace fancy, grow really tasty tomatoes.

And the 2nd leads me to think of dreams you have--potentials yet unclaimed--like publishing fiction or helping fat kids feel OK about themselves. It also makes me think of people I love and who I can't get enough of--helping my hubby meet his dreams. Spending more time with a favorite Aunt and Uncle. Learning to play the guitar so I could play with him. Regret that I didn't have more friends to spend time with and enjoy--laugh with, help out when they are busy or down, play games with, share in their kids' lives.

Lucky for me, I don't harbor resentments nor am I estranged from anyone so I don't need resolve issues like that. I am close to both my parents and my sister and my in-laws.

The 2nd list--feeling disappointed--also makes me think of more immediate plans I'd want to fllow through on--like my goal of going to Acadia & biking & canoeing. Seeing if I can get promoted at work. . .:)

But the third one's sense of urgency leads to a whole different kind of list. If I KNEW I was dying in a few days, I'd think to hell with the goal weight thing. I'd make myself the most decadently delicious hot fudge sundae loaded with all kinds of roasted nuts and homemade whipped cream and extra cherries. And then I'd think about the things that would give me comfort and intensify my feelings about life and living before I left it. I certainly wouldn't spend that time on a crowded airplane to go to New Zealand.

When I think about that, I think of things like this to fit into a the limited time left: hold more babies, especially as they fall asleep and are sleeping, they feel so warm and soft against your chest and the rhythm of their breath is so soothing; play with more puppies, letting them romp around and climb on me and feeling their puppy bloated bellies; swim in more ponds or lakes--feeling the naturally heated and cool areas, looking up at trees, hearing birds sing; make love more with my husband, losing myself in the moment, focusing on our breathing, transcending to new level of connection; spending more time outside, feeling the breeze, hearing birds, smelling dirt and flowers, and waving at people as they come by to add a little smile to their day.

What about you?

My Quiet Corner of the World

2010-02-14T21:59:00.000-05:00

There are so many exciting things happening the world right now.

Vancouver has the olympics.

New Orleans has Mardi gras

There's Chinese New Year

And of course, Valentine's Day

But in my neck of the woods, it's been more like this:

I just moved from one napping place to another. . . hope that doesn't mean I'll be up all night.

(Jo: I picked the 2 kitties for you & your big heart.)

Week #6: My Goals for the First 10 Weeks of 2010 Perfect 10 Challenge

2010-02-12T11:03:00.001-05:00

Week #6 for My Goals for the First 10 Weeks of 2010

It's the end of week 6 of Steve's Perfect 10 Challenge, which is a 10 week challenge to make progress on 10 goals. Sadly, Steve's father died this week. Please keep he and his family in your thoughts during this time of loss.

The Perfect 10 guidelines include updating every Friday on how you're doing.

Plan out my weekly menu in advance and preferably use it to grocery shop (weekly menu comes from new Eating Well Diet cookbook or site, SparkPeople, Weight Watchers, or other healthy meals); meals should equal ~1500 calories a day

How I did: Much better this week! We managed to only balk on one dinner that we'd planned because Hubby thought I'd had turkey breast defrosted for too long and wouldn't use it.

Use one weekend day (or an weekday evening night) to cook ahead--soups for lunches, veggies for the week, and perhaps 1 dinner entree.

How I did: Really well! Last weekend I cooked ahead these things: baked eggplant for Monday's dinner: Eggplant rounds with sauce and a bit of cheese over pasta; okra succotash and halved a chicken breast on it for 2 lunches; cut up carrots, peppers, & celery and put in baggies to have for lunches; roasted carrots & parsnips.

Plan 2 nights a week where dinner is easy--like hummus & veggies, a vegggie burger or other quick sandwich

How I did: Not bad. . . last night I had planned hummus & veggies and threw in a grilled ham & cheese; the eggplant dinner above was easy because of the prep; tonight we are having baked potatoes with broccoli & bacon & blue cheese.

Pack my lunches most days and eat the lunch I packed.

How I did: Excellent! Had the precooked okra/chicken dish 2 days, brought a frozen Indian dinner one day, and had the chicken sandwich & the apple from a boxed lunch at a meeting one day but gave away the chips and the cookie (brought my own 100 calorie baked cheetos)--I amaze myself1

Get up 4-6 days a week with Hubby to swim at the gym, and keep increasing the intensity each week. [Modified week 2 to be get up to do cardio--but not necessarily swim]

How I did: I did not swim at all this week. We usually swim on Tues. AMs but I had a meeting I had to be at work early for so we only did cardio. I could have gone to the pool on Weds. but I kept my lazy butt in bed. Plan to swim this weekend and hopefully Monday too since it's a holiday. . . as long as Atlanta doesn't get much snow!

Learn the breast stroke.

How I did: Have not practiced this week, but am feeling pretty good about my progress on this.

Work out with Hubby & trainer two times a week

How I did: Our third week with 3 sessions! Worked out with Trainer Ray on Monday, Thursday, and Friday. Today's new addition was dribbling the basketball a bit. I do think think I have touched a basketball since about 9th grade. I made about 5 attempts to make a basket. I got one! On Monday, I had a miracle cure workout. I'd been taking Advil all day for my shoulder, but we did a back workout that used my shoulder alot and it miraculously stopped hurting completely!

Ride the recumbant bike at least 2x a week and increase time at least every two weeks

How I did: Still am leaning toward the elliptical, but I did ride the recumbant for 10 or 12 minutes one day.

Start going to church with Hubby and actively look for friends

How I did: I had no excuse for not going last week--Hubby even went without me.

Make a point to be aware of and challenge negative thinking

How I did: Much better than last week. I shared some of my anxieties with Hubby and PhD., which helped. And I am feeling good and energetic, which always helps! It's been a really really busy time at work and I haven't had time to blog much as I've worked from home some evenings, but I'm not beating myself up about it!

Another Thrilling Secret About Me
I'm a big chicken. I do not like being scared at all. I refuse to watch scary movies. I don't even like the previews of scary movies. When I was a kid and they showed previews of The Exorcist on TV, I'd close my eyes, cover my ears, and scream for someone to come turn the channel! The more realistic it is--the more likely it is to happen--like someone breaking in a house or the killer in the basement--the less likely I am to watch it. I can take a monster eating Manhattan. And I'm less scared if there is no sound. The sound effects do me in.

I hated that I was afraid when I was a kid because my dad & sister watched all those Sat. night horror shows (What were they called? Chiller? Tales from the Crypt?) together and I was jeolous and wanted to be with them. . . but too afraid to join their circle!

Along with this fear. . . I'm still not overly keen on being alone--especially overnight. I have to work really hard to keep my imagination in check.

Week #5: My Goals for the First 10 Weeks of 2010

2010-02-06T22:08:00.000-05:00

Week #5 for My Goals for the First 10 Weeks of 2010

Wow! I realize we are half way through the timespan on Steve's Perfect 10 Challenge, which is a 10 week challenge to make progress on 10 goals. The guidelines include updating every Friday on how you're doing. I'm late this week. . . but here are my goals and my status.

Plan out my weekly menu in advance and preferably use it to grocery shop (weekly menu comes from new Eating Well Diet cookbook or site, SparkPeople, Weight Watchers, or other healthy meals); meals should equal ~1500 calories a day

How I did: I failed to plan this week in advance. Didn't shop until Tuesday and was left floundering. It led to my epiphany about how necessary meal plans are to me.

Use one weekend day (or an weekday evening night) to cook ahead--soups for lunches, veggies for the week, and perhaps 1 dinner entree.

How I did: Early in the week I did make a cabbage roll casserole (no rolls just the ingredient). It was good and provided dinner one night and 2 lunches.

Plan 2 nights a week where dinner is easy--like hummus & veggies, a vegggie burger or other quick sandwich

How I did: As mentioned the planning was close to the event. We did have baked potatoes with steamed broccoli and a slice of Swiss cheese torn to melt on it. Tasty! Our stand by fast meal has been whole wheat pasta with jarred sauce--some mushrooms thrown in. Another night we boiled some froze perogies and ate them with sauteed mushrooms, onions, & spinach.

Pack my lunches most days and eat the lunch I packed.

How I did: I'm proud to say I made this work despite my lack of initial planning. One day I even ate my back up emergency can of soup on my desk..

Get up 4-6 days a week with Hubby to swim at the gym, and keep increasing the intensity each week. [Modified week 2 to be get up to do cardio--but not necessarily swim]

How I did: We swam on Tuesday AM after doing an elliptcal workout (Treadmill for Hubby). It felt divine. That was the only day we swam. (Plan to get to the pool tomorrow). But we were at the gym every morning except Weds.

Learn the breast stroke.

How I did: Practiced on this this week--on Sat. & Tues.

Work out with Hubby & trainer two times a week

How I did: Our second week with 3 sessions. Worked out with Trainer Ray on Monday, Thursday, and Friday. (The woman who trained with us last week and who was supposed to keep joining us was MIA all this week.)

Ride the recumbant bike at least 2x a week and increase time at least every two weeks

How I did: No bike this week since the elliptical burns more calories.

Start going to church with Hubby and actively look for friends

How I did: Didn't go to church last Sunday but looked at start times and made a plan to go tomorrw.

Make a point to be aware of and challenge negative thinking

How I did: Not a good week for me. Had a rough hormonal time that didn't ease up until about Thursday. Still, made the decision to only weigh every other week (which was in response to very negative thinking about the scale) and redirected my focus about meal planning. So I think this is good.

Another Thrilling Secret About Me

Until I stayed at a friend's house in Cape Cod, my only experience with outdoor showers was with showers on the beach in Pensacola. Those showers were thin poles erected in about a 5 x 5 block of concrete, covered with a layer of wet sand. Their purpose was to attempt to wash the sand off you before going to your car. That was practically impossible, given that you had to walk through sand (or sand covered sidewalks) directly after showering. And I remember my mom wanting me and my sister to go ahead and strip to get the sand off us and step into clean shorts--long after I had the innocent obliviousness about being naked in public. Given that experience, I didn't understand all the hoo ha of the New Englanders/Cape Cod lovers who went on and on about outdoor showers on the Cape. Until I took one.

Those Cape showers weren't on the beach. At our friend's, it was a shower in the backyard of a plain little 3 bedroom house ~2 blocks from the beach. It looked simple enough--a shower head coming out of the back of the house. A small concrete pad with a drain. But it was private. The concrete surrounded by wooden walls. A handy soap dish hanging on the inside. You stepped out of the sliding glass doors, walked on some concrete stepping stones to the shower--in your robe.

And then you took your shower--all naked, but sheltered, looking up at the blue sky above and the leaves. And even threads of a spider web in the corner above. The breeze rustled against your skin. It was amazingly refreshing. Once was all I needed to long for an outdoor shower of my own. GA would be the perfect place for one since it's warm so much of the year. Imagine showering outdoors on an August night under the stars, hearing the crickets. Heavenly.

There's a great Bailey White story about her Mama taking a bath on the front porch and trying to stay immobilized so she wouldn't be noticed when hundreds of bikers come out of the woods on a country tour. We don't live in deep enough conntry to have a tub on the porch! (Our Homeowner's Assn would likely freak out!) But the idea always appealed to me. Bathing on the porch with hanging pots nearby and the sound of wind chimes along with birds singing. Doesn't it seem romantic?

Meal Planning Epiphany

2010-02-04T22:08:00.001-05:00

One of my goals since the first of the year has been to plan meals for the week over the weekend and shop accordingly. I have this extra large sticky memo pad with a weekly calendar on it that I write my planned meals on and stick it on the fridge. Hi tech.

Last weekend I didn't plan out my meals. It's not the first time I haven't done this when I said I would. But it is the first time this year with my rekindled enthusiasm and focus and time back in the gym working with Trainer Ray and Hubby.

At the beginning of the week I felt the usual self pity and self hatred and annoyance for not planning. I managed to eat my typical lunches and did OK on dinners. . but I threw in a few random and a tad over-the-top snacks (like I'd make a smoothie--an ok snack--but I'd toss in just a bit of coconut and just a few peanuts and a healthy, unmeasured pour of chocolate malt--to turn it into a not OK snack.)

Then yesterday--Wednesday--it finally hit me. Moving through the week without a meal plan is like me trying to find my way around without my GPS. You may not know this about me, but I am hopeless when it comes to having a natural sense of direction. I just get more and more lost and more and more panicked. I recently got lost--with my GPS on. I knew it was taking me the wrong way because I was heading away from town. But I also knew that eventually it would correct itself and turn me around. I called into work saying I was running late from my appointment. And I said to a colleague, "Do you know the difference between me getting lost with a GPS versus me getting lost without a GPS?"

"What?" she said.

And I said, "With a GPS, I'm not crying."

And so it goes with a meal plan, my map for the week. I feel uncomfortable many times with my size and my eating desires and habits. I feel this discomfort sometimes even when I am trying very hard to eat the healthy way. But a meal plan puts me on track. It's the difference between whirling around corners anchored to the rails of a roller coaster and whirling around the corner in an out-of-control car. In both cases, you might have the same physical reaction--a quick sense of heat, the rise of hair on your arms and neck, an involuntary squeal--but in one instance you feel out of control and in danger, unsure of what will happen next--and fast. And in the other case, you are safely tethered; you know you will follow the rails around the next corner and up and down the upcoming hills, feeling your stomach lurch and the angst rise--and just when you feel afraid, you remind yourself that you're on a track, so you can just relax through the sensations and thrill and experience the ride.

And that is how my meal plan works for me. When I feel out of control or angst ridden, unsure of myself, I can look to my meal plan--the steady path that will lead me to a calm end of the week. So I can exit it delighted, sure footed, and anxious to race to the beginning all over again.

Creating my meal plan isn't a chore, it's a gift, functioning like a safety net, a set of dance steps on the ground, a sheet of music, allowing me to progress gracefully without too many misteps or dischords until I am skilled enough to solo, and finally to improvise.

Some TLC About Weighing

2010-01-30T21:13:00.001-05:00

One my most long-term friends sent me an e-mail recently that gave me a lot to think about in terms of the scale. I gave myself a week to consider it, and I've decided. I am only going to weigh every other week. I'm timing the weigh ins based on my hormonal cycle. . . this week I showed another gain, so I'm one week losing, one week gaining, one week losing, one week gaining. . .I find this hard to, um,stomach given my efforts. I think this plan will take some of the stress away and allow me to give some improved attention to those NSV--non scale victories--like working out with a trainer, jogging, swimming, lying in bed in the morning and feeling like my stomach is flatter, and having people tell me I'm looking good!

Here are my friend's--Ms TLC's--words. I think you'll find her pretty damn smart. . .

WHY ARE YOU WEIGHING YOURSELF?

Here are some POSSIBLE reasons.

You’ve set a particular weight goal for the year, and you’re trying to do the math to meet that goal. SILLY RABBIT! I frickin’ LOVE math, but even I don’t count on BODY WEIGHT/CALORIE/EXERCISE math! As your weight goes down, your caloric needs go down, so you’re always going to be chasing a prize that gives diminishing returns. 100 pounds in a year does indeed mean 8.33 pounds a month, on average, but some months will have to be over that average to counterbalance those months with fewer pounds lost. So, if weighing yourself motivates you to step it up, it’s worth doing. That’s not what I’m reading, though.

You don’t trust your body to let you know that your new habits are good for you. Don’t you think your clothes will get looser? Don’t you think the mirror will show less roundness? Don’t you think you’ll sleep better, move better, digest better, think better? I mean, you’re the one who told me about research that shows people who even THINK about losing weight show improvements in health measures. One weekly measurement to sum up the success of many, many daily choices you make for health seems self-defeating.

You think life is fair. So, everyone who studies 2 hours a night will make the same score on a test. Everyone who works 50 hours a week at the same job will earn the same salary. No. Just no. Some people have to work harder, and still won’t get the same results. Sure, it stinks, but there are lots and lots of things that come easily to you while other people struggle. Life’s not fair, but it’s worthwhile.

You’re ignoring measurement error. It could well be that cutting 3500 calories equates to losing a pound, but what happens if you weigh yourself, drink a gallon of NO CALORIE water, and then get on the scales again? I’m pretty sure you’d weigh more.

You think you can control OUTCOMES. I think of it more as a probability problem. If I move more and eat less, there’s a good likelihood that my body will be smaller. And this becomes even more likely the more often I repeat the behavior. It seems we have more control over the behaviors than the results, but the results will come. Do you give up saving money for a vacation because your furnace goes out? No, you take the hit, pay to fix the furnace, and maybe delay your vacation a bit.

You buy into other people’s fixation on weight as a measurement of success or health or worthiness or dedication. Your IQ, your salary, your age, your blood pressure—none of these numbers define you. Do they? Does your weight? Are there not other measures of the success of your plan?

WHAT IF YOU STAYED OFF THE SCALE FOR A MONTH? OR SIX MONTHS?
What would that change? If you didn’t check your bank balance for six months, would you go on some sort of spending spree? Some people might—they need the feedback to keep their shopping (or eating, for the weighers) in check. I bet you don’t need that financial feedback, and I doubt if you need the weight feedback.

If you’re not able to use the scale’s feedback to motivate yourself, maybe you need another tool. You could make a big wall calendar and put stars on it for your successes: red star = 2 minutes on elliptical; blue star = 5 minutes swimming; green star = packed lunch, etc. You could get a Flip video (I have one I carry daily) to take quick videos of your meals to record them later, or to tape a motivational talk to yourself to play back just before eating, etc etc. (I haven’t done these things yet, but I might.)
Lately, I keep coming back this image to when I’m discouraged about my progress, whether with eating, exercise, social interaction, intellectual pursuits, or whatever:

Dawn is coming earlier, and dusk is coming later. It’s barely perceptible, because we only get two or three minutes more of light each day, but by June we’ll have after a week, you can notice that it’s not dark when you leave work. Little changes add up to real differences. Noticing the little changes, commenting on them, and building them into your life can make things dramatically different.

I’ve stopped waking up in the morning and groaning because it’s still dark, or being pissed because I leave work in the dark. It won’t always be dark. The light will come. It’s coming now, but you have to look for it.

Week #4 for My Goals for the First 10 Weeks of 2010

2010-01-29T12:25:00.000-05:00

Week #4 for My Goals for the First 10 Weeks of 2010

I'm following Steve's Perfect 10 Challenge, which is a 10 week challenge to make progress on 10 goals. The guidelines include updating every Friday on how you're doing. Here are my goals and my status.

Plan out my weekly menu in advance and preferably use it to grocery shop (weekly menu comes from new Eating Well Diet cookbook or site, SparkPeople, Weight Watchers, or other healthy meals); meals should equal ~1500 calories a day

How I did: Just like last week--planned better than I was able to follow through. Planning meals for Hubby to cook before I get home hasn't worked well since we've both been busy. . .so this week, I'm going to try even harder to plan for really quick, almost no-tmie meals that still feel satisfying.

Use one weekend day (or an weekday evening night) to cook ahead--soups for lunches, veggies for the week, and perhaps 1 dinner entree.

How I did: Made the tofu dish I talked about earlier as well as Meditterranean barley salad. Good stuff. Also BBQ's some chicken thighs. And my step daughter cooked ahead some sesame green beans for me.

Plan 2 nights a week where dinner is easy--like hummus & veggies, a vegggie burger or other quick sandwich

How I did: Had precooked chicken thighs & green beans one night. Had pasta with pesto & some veggies another night. Not bad.
Pack my lunches most days and eat the lunch I packed.

How I did: Success! Did partake in one free lunch but limited myself to the Thai veggies and a few pieces of California roll.
Get up 4-6 days a week with Hubby to swim at the gym, and keep increasing the intensity each week. [Modified week 2 to be get up to do cardio--but not necessarily swim]

How I did: On Sat. I got up and went to the gym before it even opened! But I went back in the PM and did the elliptical and swam. On Monday, met with Trainer Ray and did elliptical, Tuesday: elliptical and swam :) ; Weds. Elliptical; Thurs. Trainer Ray; Friday, Trainer Ray
Learn the breast stroke.

How I did: Practiced on this this week--on Sat. & Tues. But I plan to go to the pool on Sat.
Work out with Hubby & trainer two times a week

How I did: FANTASTIC! See above. We started pir 3rd session this week .

Ride the recumbant bike at least 2x a week and increase time at least every two weeks

How I did: I actually can't recall if I did this on Sat. or Mon., but I don't think I did. But I feel OK about it because when I mde the goal, I didn't realize I'd be able to do elliptical.
Start going to church with Hubby and actively look for friends

How I did: Didn't go to church on Sunday because we had company. Batting 0 on this one. But I did chat with a woman at the gym who is now going to be training with us with Ray 2x a week. So maybe I'll get a friend.

Make a point to be aware of and challenge negative thinking

How I did: Had one morning where I was irked with Hubby and added a peanut butter & jelly sandwich to my cereal, but I cut back on the cereal as I noted to myself that it was a stress response. Still working through some challenges with thinking about the scale--more on that this weekend.

Another Thrilling Secret About Me
As a kid and through most of my adulthood, I've never been physical. I remember in 2nd grade that the gym teacher gave me a volleyball to use instead of a basketball because it was lighter--and feeling ashamed by it (Looking backI think the was trying to help me .) I begged my mom to write me gym excuses in 6th grade because I'd never played T-ball and was ashamed. By 7th grade, I'd changed school systems and was stunned and overwhelmed when we had a more reasonable sized class (6 girls on the side of the volleyball net, instead of 60). I hated, hated, hated gym. It was the first class I got a "C" in. I cried regularly. I even cried playing croquet with my family or bowling. I quit band when marching band started because of the physical activity. (and Band had been my favorite thing) I had no physical self confidence. I even chose my major in college to avoid having to take PE credits. Besides walking, I don't think I did anything physical until I got married. My husband helped me get over the crying while bowling. I finally realized no one was looking at me. I learned to laugh at myself. I started doing weight training about 9 years ago because my knee hurt so bad. A trainer saw me come in faithfully and approached me, I have no idea what made me say yes--it was like a a whole new world for me. I've been to several trainers off and on since then, but this is the first time in a long time that I felt this enthused and comfortable and ready to explore this new world.

This Morning I JOGGED!!!!

2010-01-28T14:11:00.001-05:00

This morning at the gym with Trainer Ray, we were doing some light weight sets and then Ray had us walk around this indoor basketball court. It was me and Hubby and a woman who is joining us--I'll call her A.M.

We'd do a set of of say 15 bicep curls and then walk a loop around the gym. We do 3 sets, so I think we'd walked about 4 times. Then Ray said, Ok, now "Jog." We all 3 just looked at him, and nearly simultaneously we all offered a reason we couldn't. . . (mine involved fear that I'd leave a trail. . . I'll let you fill in the details)

He just shook his hand and made a circular motion with his finger. So off we went.

I led.

And I stayed in the lead.

I wasn't moving fast, but it was more than a walk. And I kept it up.

For the next round too. Nothing bad happened.

Then we went back to walking.

It was the first time I've jogged since crying for the train to wait for me in Boston.

It was amazing.

I came into work and told my boss (and the person who was sitting in his office because I just couldn't contain my excitement.). They told me I should pin a sign on myself: "Today I jogged."

I don't think they get it. But they could see I was enthusiastic. It's a monumental day.

Leftover Tofu--Better Than the First Time

2010-01-27T22:36:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, my stepdaughter, Bel, and her family spent the weekend with us. Bel has been a vegetarian, I think less than year. So this weekend we shared the tasks in preparing a tofu dish. Neither of us has much experience with it.

I found a recipe in Eating Well's Diet cookbook for Tofu with Peanut-Ginger Sauce, and we followed it. But then I made the adaptions that Bel and I discussed when I brought it as a leftover for lunch. And I have to say, our ideas really improved it!

The original called for regular rice vinegar--we changed to pepper flavored and we changed creamy peanut butter to crunchy. Because Bel doesn't love mushrooms like I do, we halved the amount and added some water chestnuts instead. Now I have to say that I would prefer the mushrooms, but what we discovered with the chestnuts was that we liked the variety of textures--some C-R-U-N-C-H in the midst of all the soft.

And liking that was how we came up with our other ideas for adaptation: Before serving, add shredded carrots & diced red peppers. We also discussed adding diced cucumbers. Today, when I brought the leftovers, I added the carrots, some diced cucumbers, and some cilantro. YUM YUM. Sooo much more flavorful. I dubbed our version Tofu Pad Thai (Noodle Free) and I shared it on Spark People. Anyone know how to edit a recipe on it (I'd like to add the tip about the cucumber and cilantro.)

Moments When Life Stands Still

2010-01-26T21:13:00.000-05:00

A few years ago a credible medical study showed that exercising extends life--by exactly the same number of minutes spent exercising. I remember the comments about the study included, "so you better exercise doing somthing you like.. . ."

The way I figure it, if the Fates had been kind, they would have made it so that when you exercised, time just paused. That way there could never be a time you could say, "I don't have time to exercise." When you were exercising, you wouldn't have to worry about getting to work on time, or getting home to cook dinner, or hurrying to exercise before the rain. Instead when you were working out, time would stand still. You could do something good for your body and then just re-enter life at the exact place you left it.

But since that's not the case, and wishing doesn't help, I've been taking time to exercise. Llucky for me, every now and then I have a moment when time stands still, when I don't feel any pressure to be anywhere else and where I am just focused on how relaxed I am in mind & body in the moment. The best moment like that for me is when I've done some cardio and then am in the pool and swum a few laps. Then I just let my body float up so I'm lying on my back, and I extend my arms, and I just float, looking up at the ceiling and through the skylights to the clouds, rain drops, or clear skies.

And time hasn't stopped, but I still feel good.

Do you have moments like that?

Week #3 Perfect 10 Goals Update

2010-01-22T20:29:00.000-05:00

Week #3 for My Goals for the First 10 Weeks of 2010

I'm following Steve's Perfect 10 Challenge, which is a 10 week challenge to make progress on 10 goals. The guidelines include updating every Friday on how you're doing. Here are my goals and my status.

Plan out my weekly menu in advance and preferably use it to grocery shop (weekly menu comes from new Eating Well Diet cookbook or site, SparkPeople, Weight Watchers, or other healthy meals); meals should equal ~1500 calories a day

How I did: Had another week where I planned well, but busy nights kept us from following through on 2 nights.

Use one weekend day (or an weekday evening night) to cook ahead--soups for lunches, veggies for the week, and perhaps 1 dinner entree.

How I did: Did not cook ahead this week.

Plan 2 nights a week where dinner is easy--like hummus & veggies, a vegggie burger or other quick sandwich

How I did: Did much better on this, this week. Thursday night, for instance, I had to punt because Hubby & I both worked late. But I sat down with the turkey & crackers and some grape tomatoes and salad dressing and some low-fat cheese and calculated what I could have and the calories before I took a single bite. Yay!

Pack my lunches most days and eat the lunch I packed.

How I did: Success! Packed every day. And ate what I had--even when faced with 2 free lunches in meetings! Woot! Woot!

Get up 4-6 days a week with Hubby to swim at the gym, and keep increasing the intensity each week. [Modified week 2 to be get up to do cardio--but not necessarily swim]

How I did: On Monday during our weekend away in Nashville we rose early, did cardio & swam before left to drive the 4 hours home. Tues. we didn't get up early--but we did have 7:30 PM strength training session with Trainer Ray, followed by 30 minutes of cardio, Weds. we got up early and did 30 minutes of cardio, Thurs. we got up for a 6:30 AM training session with Ray (no time for cardio); Fri. no time for gym, but worked out at home. Winning!

Learn the breast stroke.

How I did: Less practice on this this week--only Monday. But I plan to go to the pool on Sat. & Sun.

Work out with Hubby & trainer two times a week

How I did: FANTASTIC! See above. Plus trainer Ray offered us a 3rd session each week at 1/2 price --will start next week.

Ride the recumbant bike at least 2x a week and increase time at least every two weeks

How I did: I rode the bike on Monday (can't remember the time now, but at least 10 min and maybe 12), Tuesday evening for 30 minutes, Weds. AM for 10.

Start going to church with Hubby and actively look for friends

How I did: Didn't go to church on Sunday because we were out of town

Make a point to be aware of and challenge negative thinking

How I did: See post day before yesterday

Another Thrilling Secret About Me
I'm a big hugger and toucher in general. Every year at work we have to go to those anti-harrassment training meetings and I follow it up by telling the people who report to me that if I touch or hug them and they don't like it to please tell me! I pat arms, legs, shoulders, whatever is close. . .I put my arm around people. I hug for celebration and to comfort. And I squeeze, rub, and hold on--no tent hugs (heads together butts apart) or one armed pat-pats for me!

Feeling Stronger Everyday

2010-01-21T22:29:00.002-05:00

I've had a couple of good days since my last bipolar post. I saw my PhD on Weds and he gave me some great confidence boosting re all the terrific changes since the first of the year. And I also shared with him thoughts from some of you about setting and proclaiming weight loss goals in a certain time period--esp. a note I got from popular, hilarous blogger Jack Sh*t who said: "Thinking of it as 100 lbs in a year is simply too much for the mind to grasp. Honestly, Sandy, I never once thought I had a chance in hell to lose anywhere close to 100 lbs. I just kept trying to string two and then three days together." And we kind of agreed together the 100 lb goal thing/8.3 pounds a month is just not motivating me. It's making me lulu. Letting go of that one.

Also, I stopped taking Hoodia. I only took it for a few days, not quite a week, I think. And I think it was making me retain water and making me constipated. Anyhow I felt not like usual and that was the most notable new thing. I feel better since I stopped it. Want it? I'll mail it to you.

And, we've had a few good workouts. Good ol' Ray our trainer has upped our cardio to 30 minutes instead of 20. The first day I did all 30 on the recumbant bike because I was grumpy and annoyed. But it was good because it was the first sustained, one machine workout I'd done. The next day I did 20 min elliptical and 10 recumbant bike.

Btw, do you have thoughts on why riding a recumbant bike would make the bottom of my feet burn? Ray says it might be my shoes--not cushioned enough.

And, finally, get this. . . Ray suggested Hubby & I come a 3rd day a week--for half the rate we are paying now (under the table). I think he thinks we have potential. Cool beans.

Zapping Irrational Discouragement

2010-01-19T22:59:00.001-05:00

My original planned title for this post was What I Know + What I Feel Still = Discouragement. I know that it's silly of me to feel discouraged after just a few weeks on this reinspired journey, but what my mind knows and my heart feels doesn't always add up. Still, I want to try to zap these negative thoughts.

I read somewhere once that your mind can't hold 2 conflicting thoughts at once--for instance, you can't feel resentful and grateful at the same time. So when I was looking for some witty saying using the word waste that I could replace with waist for Leslie's post tonight and came up with attitude quotes instead, it felt like chance to try to zap the negativity.

So we've been getting up to swim or do other exercise nearly every day since the week after Christmas. On Sat. the 9th, I weighed and showed a 3 lb loss. That was also our first day of working with our new trainer.

The next week, we worked with Ray 2 days and exercised every day but one. I planned my meals but ate out twice (one really big meal), and thought I did OK on 2 "punted nights" for dinner, but didn't really calculate. When I weighed on Sat. the 16th, though I showed a 2.2 lb gain. For a net loss of 0.8 lbs.

My mind says: Relax, it can take time to get it all in sync. And I am working harder to count/plan my punted meals, as I said in my Big 10 update. But my heart says: There it goes. . . you wanted to lose 100 lbs this year, and that means you need to lose 8.3 lbs a month, and you've already blown it in month one.

Every thought is a seed. If you plant crab apples, don't count on harvesting Golden Delicious. ~Bill Meyer

My mind says: You're doing great. You've exercised more days than you haven't since the first of the year. You're standing taller. Your pants felt a bit looser this AM. My heart says: This is about losing weight; if the scale doesn't move, what's the point?

If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it. ~Mary Engelbreit

My mind says: You know you're probably going to have to log your calories as you eat them, not just count on meal planning to keep your food levels in check. Just do it. My heart says: I don't want to track every calorie. How many stupid food logs do I have all over the house? Can I really be overeating that much when I'm trying to watch AND exercising? If it's that close in the balance, I'll never lose weight.

The only disability in life is a bad attitude. ~Scott Hamilton

My heart says: It hasn't even been a month and you're already disenchanted with exercise. . . mostly because you don't have time to swim every day, and that's the restorative exercise and the one you look forward to. The elliptical is hard and it makes me feel anxious that I can't do all the time on it I'm supposed to. My mind says: You'll have revved up days and dragging days; the key is to keep at it. And you're committed to swimming and will fit it in on the weekends plus another day as you and Hubby discussed.

It's so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to. ~Annie Gottlier

And a few other great quotes just for extra safekeeping:

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference. ~Winston Churchill

Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same. ~Francesca Reigler

So often time it happens, we all live our life in chains, and we never even know we have the key. ~The Eagles, "Already Gone"

Defeat is not bitter unless you swallow it. ~Joe Clark

A person will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body - the wishbone. ~Robert Frost

Nothing contributes so much to tranquilize the mind as a steady purpose - a point on which the soul may fix its intellectual eye. ~Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, Frankenstein, 1818

What is possible? What you will. ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827

Could we change our attitude, we should not only see life differently, but life itself would come to be different. ~Katherine Mansfield

Happy, Happy, Happy

2010-01-17T13:03:00.000-05:00

Sandra over at My Travels to Becoming a Better Me gave me this great Happy 101 award. Thank goodness! I was seeing them all around and about ready to feel really left out!

Here are the instructions:

Copy the image and display on your blog.
List 10 things that make you happy
Try to do at least one of them today
Pass on the award to 10 bloggers who brighten your day.

I decided to keep the things that make me happy geared very much toward the present and specific. Here they are:

I feel really happy when we've finished a cardio session, swam a bit with no rush at all to get anywhere else, be anywhere else, or do anything else. . . and then we amble over to the hot tub and stretch and just sit. It's like a mini vacation. (I already did this today and the extra happy bonus was that the hot tub was outside so it had all this steam over it, and we sat there in the rain, luxuriating in the hot/cool variations.)
It makes me happy to have my big puppy (~50 lbs of her) on my lap to snuggle with--esp when she's calm and not trying to chew on my hand. I'm deliously happy when she lays her head against my chest. . .I should figure out how to teach her to do this.
I feel happy when I eat a wholesome, nutritiously self-righteous meal. My new favorite is either yogurt with chopped pear and a Special K 90 calorie granola bar crumbled over it. It's also good with cottage cheese instead of pear.
I feel happy when I get over my self-conscious and prejudiced feeling in the gym and talk to fit people. Turns out they are nice people too! A lot like me. . .! :)
It makes me happy to get comments on my blog. It feels really weird to put yourself out there and hear nothing. Plus I'm trying to make more friends, and virtual is a good start. Who knows, maybe one of you lives near Atlanta. . .
I am happy to be going to museums this PM with Hubby while we are here in Nashville. I always find looking at art thought provoking and inspiring.
It makes me happy to feel moved enough by music to want to dance. I especially like it in my own kitchen. . .! I call it hip-swaying music.
It makes me really happy that Hubby is exercising with me. It makes it so much easier to get up. It gives us something to talk about. It makes us feel positive about our future. It makes us dream about things we want to do together. It helps us touch more and think physically.
I am super happy to have a job that I enjoy most of the time and that I don't mind going back to after a 3 day weekend. And a bonus is that I have super people who report to me--all smart, invested, and caring--and the same goes for my boss.
I am happy not to be in Haiti or another country that is really poor and at risk for natural disaster. Feels like this is kind of luck of the draw in this world. And I'm equally glad to be working for a company that is donating money, married to a guy who thinks about donating and will follow through on it, and surrounded by people who are moved by the dispair and tragedy. A really beautiful post about this today is on Kelly's Sunday Citar post on Compassion--take a look.

Here's who I'm sending the award to:

Kelly at My Voice, My View
Bel at The Itsy Bitsy Monkey
Sean at The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser
Jo at Memorable Meanders
Roxie at Gravel & Rust
Leslie at Something Brilliant Is Brewing
Project365
Losing Waist
Bee at Gutting it Out
The Grandpa at The Word Mechanic

Update #2: Perfect 10 Challenge

2010-01-15T15:32:00.001-05:00

Week #2 for My Goals for the First 10 Weeks of 2010

I'm following Steve's Perfect 10 Challenge, which is a 10 week challenge to make progress on 10 goals. The guidelines include updating every Friday on how you're doing. Here are my goals and my status.

Plan out my weekly menu in advance and preferably use it to grocery shop (weekly menu comes from new Eating Well Diet cookbook or site, SparkPeople, Weight Watchers, or other healthy meals); meals should equal ~1500 calories a day

How I did: Success in the planning. . . not so much in the following! I did figure out a menu over the weekend and shopped by it. But all the meals didn't map out as expected. . . keep reading!

Use one weekend day (or an weekday evening night) to cook ahead--soups for lunches, veggies for the week, and perhaps 1 dinner entree.

How I did: Success! I made a Moroccan veggie soup with lean beef, rutabega (not turnips) & other veggies and had it for lunch 3 days. I also made a rainbow salad and had it for lunch as a side all week over either mixed greens or spinach.

Plan 2 nights a week where dinner is easy--like hummus & veggies, a vegggie burger or other quick sandwich

How I did: I need to work on this one. I didn't plan properly to match my timing and didn't freeze the right size portions to make cooking easy for one night. When I tried to punt, I didn't really calculate the calories in advance so now I'm feeling antsy about weighing tomorrow. Next week, I'll list meals that fit my time and either prep ahead of time or calculate how much I can have (crackers, hummus, peanut butter, etc.) so I feel confident and in control. Also, on Weds. took an employee to dinner impromptu.

Pack my lunches most days and eat the lunch I packed.

How I did: 80% Success! Packed every day. I had one day for lunch that I didn't eat the soup I brought because I took an employee to lunch to discuss something since we were so busy (I ordered chicken kabobs and roasted veggies).

Get up 4-6 days a week with Hubby to swim at the gym, and keep increasing the intensity each week.

How I did: Modifying this one a bit. . . .We got up and swam on Monday and we swam this morning. We also swam on Sun., but not in the AM. On Sat AM., Tues. evening, and Thursday AM, we met with our trainer, Ray--and we did our workout and cardio, but didn't swim. Hubby & I are considering that cardio may be better for us in the AMs, so we are considering swimming only 1 weekend AM and doing cardio 3 days and swimming on the weekends. I think this is a super duper successful modification of this goal!!! I continue to AMAZE myself!

Learn the breast stroke.

How I did: Keeping it up! On the days we've been in the pool, I used the noodle to hold onto for at least 1/2 laps to practice the kick and then I do 2 1/2 laps practicing kick and arms together.

Work out with Hubby & trainer two times a week

How I did: FANTASTIC! See above.

Ride the recumbant bike at least 2x a week and increase time at least every two weeks

How I did: I started this on Sun. as I planned with 10 minutes. And I rode it again Tuesday night and this morning. This goal could shift as our trainer suggests the elliptical for me . . .and I'm guessing that it would also get me in shape for regular biking--any thoughts or advice on that??

Start going to church with Hubby and actively look for friends

How I did: Didn't go to church on Sunday. . . talked ourselves out of it since we are out of town this Sun. and have company next Sun. Have been talking to people at the gym. . . any suggestions on how to turn chats at the gym into friendships without scaring people??

Make a point to be aware of and challenge negative thinking

How I did: Am struggling a bit with anxiety about weighing tomorrow because of the 2 nights out eating and the punted dinners. I feel I've done great with incorporating the exercising and even with following a meal plan for the most part, so the positive side of me says, "If you don't lose weight this week, relax, you're figuring it out." And the negative side of me says, "Something happens all the time to pull you off course, that's life. If you keep blowing it everytime your schedule changes you'll never lose weight . . . this is just the 2nd week of your goal. . .you'll never get there. Feel even more nervous since tomorrow we go away for the weekend--more eating away from home. . .

Secret #2 About Me

I work for a health web site and have been a health editor for 20 years. That means I'm squeamish about no topic. I can go from talking about ED & vaginal discharge to pinworms and baby diapers--and all over a meal without queasiness or blush.

3 Questions: Hoodia, Predicting Pounds to Lose, & Muscle Soreness

2010-01-14T21:03:00.002-05:00

Question #1: Have you tried Hoodia?

Our new trainer, Ray, told me he wanted me to take green tea extract supplements, but then he brought me Hoodia instead. Hoodia is a whole different supplement. I wasn't (and still am not) psyched about it. First of all, I'm not a supplement kind of person; I have a pretty conservative and reserved philosophy about them. Second, I have never taken anything by mouth that was touted to help me lose weight--and that's basically the claim all over the Hoodia package. It's supposed to kill your appetite. My boss, who's a doc, says it shouldn't hurt me, but doesn't think it will help. (And we agreed, how would I know if I could attribute weight loss to it if I'm eating right and exercising?) My PhD encouraged me to try to just relax and follow my trainer's advice, give in to his expertise. Do you know anything about Hoodia?

Question #2: Do you call the ~~shots~~ pounds? If you've lost a lot of weight, did you name your goal in advance? Advertise your intended amount of loss ?

I've set my goals for the first 10 weeks of 2010, and in setting them, I started thinking, Dare I say out loud that I want to loss 100 lbs this year? Dare I let others hear me say it? I'm not one of those people who set a monthy or weekly goal for weight loss. My experience shows that I can follow the plan, but I can't control my body's output. They make it sound all scientific and predictable; 3500 calories equals a pound, etc. But I can have a great week and not lose and a not so great week and lose. All I know is that if I stick with it, evetually the pounds will come off--but not at a rate I can predict or count on. Still, it's January. I'm following a plan. I'm setting short & long term goals. I'm feeling good. Dare I say it? Would it help me stay focused? Or the first week I don't lose will I toss in the towel? Should I make it more general or a broader range--I'd like to lose 80 to 100 lbs? Or make the goal 100 but affirm I'd be content with 80? Not name any goal at all and just say losing any amount is good? How much goal setting and announcement have you found helpful?

Question #3: How come sometimes it takes a full day or even longer for my muscles to start to hurt after I exercise? What gauges how long they hurt? And how come when my trainer has me do exercises to work my shoulders, my triceps hurt instead?

Training Session #2 With Ray

2010-01-12T22:03:00.001-05:00

Yesterday AM Hubby & I did our morning swim. We were less than inspired. . . but we went, we swam, we succeeded!

Last night, I had a belated holiday dinner with my team. We went to one of the best restaurants in Atlanta. It was a 4-course dinner: appetizer (I had foie gras), entree (I had lamb chops with roasted root vegetables), cheese plate (I had stilton with poached pears), and dessert (I had orange souffle). Clearly, I decded not to worry about my choices. (Though I didn't add to it by drinking alcohol.) Instead, I had an on-track breakfast and lunch and even snack. I did come home feeling pretty full, but I have to say I slept great!

Today I had a good food day and barely had time to eat dinner before our 2nd training session with Ray. I ate some sliced turkey breast and crackers and a bit of peanut butter. . . less than I had available on my count. So we'll just see how it works out this week on the scale.

At the gym tonight (night is not our first choice for the gym, but we're still working out our schedule), we worked hard. I started with leg presses, up the stairs, then hamstring curls on the machine, leg raises on the machines, up the stairs,shoulder presses on the machine (these were really hard), left & right dead lifts with a 6 lb ball, rows on the machine, and the upright ab machine (more weight tonight was hard), and the stairs again. I think Hubby may have done and extra machine and I'm sure he did more stairs but I don't care, my legs were noodles!

I was pretty tired after that, but we weren't done. We still had 20 minutes of cardio. I did 10 minutes on the elliptical and 10 minutes on the recumbant bike. I'm proud. . .though I'm sure I will be sore tomorrow! I can already feel it in my hamstrings especially.

An Alien Must Have Taken Me Over. . .

2010-01-10T21:39:00.000-05:00

Who am I? I must have been overtaken by an alien because Hubby and I went to the gym today too. While Hubby stuck to the treadmill, I did 10 minutes on the recumbant bike, then 10 on the treadmill. Then we both went to the pool and did just about 10 minutes warming up and 20 minutes of swimming! The water felt really good. I also practiced a lap just doing the frog kick for the breast stroke and a lap (well, a half-lap two times) practicing the breast stroke.

We also booked a room in Nashville for next weekend to celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary so even though the weekend feels like it flew by, I'll have something to look forward to. And next week we get Martin Luther King day so it will be a short week.

I am so happy Hubby is doing this with me. And I'm so glad to be "on." I just wish I knew better what makes that click happen!

Today I Am INSPIRING

2010-01-09T12:25:00.000-05:00

I am in awe of myself. This morning Hubby & I met with our new trainer, Ray. I was a bit nervous, though I've worked with trainers before, and I was also excited about working with Hubby and starting a new thing together. (The gym offered us 2 for 1 training so how could Hubby say no?)

It started out not that bad--new machine for me--kind of an upright ab machine--you have your arms raised behind you a tad, bent at the elbows then push down. 3 sets of 15. . . Ok. Know my abs will be a bit sore tomorrow.

Has us climb the stairs. (This was funny because he told us to go up the stairs, so we did and stood at the top and hung out there waiting for him. . . he comes up and says, "Come back down!" Apparently, the routine is to walk up to the landing and return, but how did we know?? I guess he was thinking we'd run away already!)

Next to the machine to do leg extensions--3 sets of 15 at like 30 lbs. . .my right knee was feeling it a bit, but OK. In between sets he made us get up and do 15 squats.

Next to the hamstring curl machine, same reps and sets.

More steps.

Then we did 15 shoulder presses, 3 sets with just 5 lb weights, between each set we did bicep curls. Before the last set we did a flight of steps--and after the sets we walked up the steps with the weights in our hands.

So this was all well & good for our first 30-min training session.

But here's where the amazing, inspirational part was. . . he told us he wanted us to do 3 cardio sessions a week--Hubby on treadmill and me on elliptical. Now I haven't done the elliptical in a long time, and I know from expreience it takes me like 3 minutes to get to my target heart rate. And I think, perhaps, the longest I've ever done is not more than 12 consecutive minutes on it. So I say to Ray, I'm not sure I have the endurance for this, and he says, "Just try to stay on."

He gets us each situated on an elliptical (despite what he'd said about Hubby walking) and as as he walks away he says to Hubby: "Do 20 minutes." He says to me again, "Just try to stay on. Good luck," he pats my back.

I have to admit that if Hubby wasn't there, I would have quit. I kept watching to see how long he'd go. And if I'd gone in alone without a trainer, I would have probably done 3 minutes and thought, "Ok good start."

But Ray just acted like it was doable. And Hubby was doing it. So I just stayed on. My arm hurt. My hip hurt a bit. My right leg started to feel tingly. I'd just slow a bit. The heart rate thing either stopped working or I had a weird response (it went from 146 to 147 to 149 to 54 then 73. . .), but I just kept moving and hanging on.

I did 20 minutes! I AMAZE MYSELF!!

I sat on the seat of the rucumbent bike a few seconds to get the jello out of my legs and held on the the railing as I went down the stairs, with Hubby lovingly keeping pace beside me, but. . . WOO HOO we are on our way!

It's gonna happen. I'm gonna be able to ride bikes in Acadia. . . I just have to keep staying on.

Week 1, 2010 Perfect 10 Update & Secret #1

2010-01-08T06:00:00.001-05:00

If you're paying attention you're saying, "What, how can week 1's assessment be here already? You just posted your Perfect 10 Goals yesterday!" But I was a bit late in signing up for South Beach Steve's Perfect 10 Challenge. And, no, I don't think it's cheating to write the goals after you already know what you have or haven't succeed with the first week--there are still 9 weeks to go!

Update #1 for My Goals for the First 10 Weeks of 2010

Plan out my weekly menu in advance and preferably use it to grocery shop (weekly menu comes from new Eating Well Diet cookbook or site, SparkPeople, Weight Watchers, or other healthy meals); meals should equal ~1500 calories a day

How I did: Success! Figured out a menu on Sun, shopped by it, and have stuck by it for breakfast and lunch--punted twice on dinner but with reasonable and healthy substitutions.

Use one weekend day (or an weekday evening night) to cook ahead--soups for lunches, veggies for the week, and perhaps 1 dinner entree.

How I did: Success! I made a rice, black-eyed pea, collard green "stew" that I ate for 2 lunches and froze some for future lunches. I also stayed up late one night to cook brussel sprouts which I've added to 2 lunches.

Plan 2 nights a week where dinner is easy--like hummus & veggies, a vegggie burger or other quick sandwich

How I did: Success! I knew that last night and tonight we'd be late eating--I had planned an omelet sandwich for last night and only half-planned tonight, but I did OK--cereal last night and hummus with crackers tonight (and a few grahams with peanut butter)

Pack my lunches most days and eat the lunch I packed.

How I did: Success! Packed every day and ate it every day.

Get up 4-6 days a week with Hubby to swim at the gym, and keep increasing the intensity each week.

How I did: Success! Got up Monday, Tuesday, & Wedsnesday to swim before work. Thurs. is our off day. Friday (I'm updating Thurs. night for a Fri. AM post date) the weather is supposed to be icy in GA so the plan is get up and take turns walking on the treadmill while the other goes up and down on the step--I think that counts.

Learn the breast stroke.

How I did: Starting! On Tues. night I researched how to do it; on Weds. I practiced it--arms only; legs only, and a bit together.

Work out with Hubby & trainer two times a week

How I did: First things first. . . we signed up to work with a trainer together 2 times a week with our new trainer Ray. Our first session is Sat. at 9:30 AM. I'm excited and nervous. Hubby's never trained before and we've never done it together and we don't know this guy at all yet.

Ride the recumbant bike at least 2x a week and increase time at least every two weeks

How I did: No where on this yet. . . My goal is to start this on Sun.

Start going to church with Hubby and actively look for friends

How I did: Didn't set these goals before Sun., so still have the first Sun to come.

Make a point to be aware of and challenge negative thinking

How I did: All energized in newby restart mode so this wasn't so challenging this week. But I did have a moment at the pool on Weds. when I was discounting/apologizing for our status and had the opportunity to reframe it!

Secret #1 Revealed
Another one of Steve's rule for the Perfect 10 Challenge is to tell something about yourself that other bloggers likely don't know.

I love having plants in my house and people have commented about how well I do with them, but my secret is I only keep plants that do well with neglect--that perk back up with watering after a long Sandy-imposed draught. That includes peace lily, violets, bamboo, and philadendron.

Why I Want This: Storing Motivation for Future Inspiration

2010-01-07T21:53:00.001-05:00

I had never seen Fat Fighter TV but Lynn of Lynn's Weigh linked to an article about her there so I checked it out. And, lucky me, I found another gem of a quote from Lynn--something that I thought was worth acting on.

"You’ve gotta have that solid foundation of why you want to do this in the first place so that when you do start feeling like ‘I can’t do this anymore’ or ‘I don’t want to do this,’ you can look back. I really strongly urge journaling before you start to lose weight – figure out why you want this – then you’ll have something to look at." --Lynn Haraldson-Bering

I think this could be true for a lot of things that take time and commitment and revision and endurance. But for me that thing is the same as Lynn's--losing weight. And I'm feeling all gung ho right now so it seems like a good time to log my reasons for wanting to do this.

This year I want to stick with my goals to eat mindfully, healthfully, and moderately and to exercise progressively, positively, and variedly because I like feeling good about myself and I want to move past this weight obstacle that has blocked me all my life. I want to make these things part of my history and not my present:

Not being able to sit on the floor, get in the tub, use a mat in the gym, or sit at the edge of the pool without dropping
Not being able to get up from any of those positions without a lot of inglorious and unglamorous and downright humiliating moves--rolling awkwardly to my side, painfully to my knees, pressing up on something with my hands and slowly struggling up
Having my arm go dead when I leave it hanging down for any length of time and when I sleep and tingling when I do water aerobics
Being worried about going to get new gym shoes for fear I won't be able to get to my feet easily to put them on in the store; having to pull my leg up to my knee by pulling on my pant's leg.
Having the stupid slat fall out of the bed when I feel like I barely move
Having more clothes in the house that are too small for me than I can currently wear
Using food to further isolate me and push me deeper into a depression
Having my feet hurt alot of the time and being very limited in what shoes I want to wear
Seeing my reflection in the elevator with peers and recognizing that I am twice as broad as any of them
Weighing more than a pro football player
Hating what I see in pictures; being reluctant to take pictures with people I love like my grandkids and feeling ashamed to give them pictures of me; not showing pics to old friends
Feeling embarrassed to present myself as a director at a healthcare company; feeling like a fraud sharing the facts I know but don't model
Joke about myself, my weight, and appearance to reduce my self-consciousness
Anxiety and shame that lurking in my future is diabetes, heart disease, & more arthritis--sayanara to sleep apnea, stress incontinence, eczema

And I want to make these things part of my present:

Live as a food snob--eating the variety of fresh fruits & vegetables & other healthy foods that I love in the variety of ways that I enjoy them
Go on active vacations--ride bikes in the woods and along the coast; ride a horse, get in a canoe, hike to see wildflowers and birds, snorkel; squat to take pictures
Wear well-tailored clothes
Be a ready-to-get-up-because-I-have-many-cool-things-to-do morning person
Get down on floor to play with my dog and grandkids kind of 45+ year old
Feel positive, light, lean, & long
Feeling proud that I am using my creativity, appreciating my body and caring for it, and presenting myself with unabashed enthusiasm and confidence

The Perfect 10 Challenge--Sounds Good to Me

2010-01-07T13:40:00.001-05:00

I'm not much of a joiner, but I'm hooking onto the line of folks doing South Beach Steve's Perfect 10 Challenge.

The idea is to tackle, log, and share 10 goals (naybe it doesn't have to be 10 but that's what I decided on) the first 10 weeks of 2010. The rules, among other things, includes tracking progress every Friday. You also have to tell one thing that most other bloggers will not know about you in weekly updates. And there's a prize of clubbell training stuff.

And, as Steve explains, it's not about being perfect--"It is about setting realistic, challenging, attainable goals that push and stretch you to your limit, thereby making you better all the while. If you don’t attain the goals, but you never give up, then you will be closer at the close of this challenge than you are today."

My Goals for the First 10 Weeks of 2010

Plan out my weekly menu in advance and preferably use it to grocery shop (weekly menu comes from new Eating Well Diet cookbook or site, SparkPeople, Weight Watchers, or other healthy meals); meals should equal ~1500 calories a day
Use one weekend day (or an weekday evening night) to cook ahead--soups for lunches, veggies for the week, and perhaps 1 dinner entree.
Plan 2 nights a week where dinner is easy--like hummus & veggies, a vegggie burger or other quick sandwich
Pack my lunches most days and eat the lunch I packed.
Get up 4-6 days a week with Hubby to swim at the gym, and keep increasing the intensity each week.
Learn the breast stroke.
Work out with Hubby & trainer two times a week
Ride the recumbant bike at least 2x a week and increase time at least every two weeks
Start going to church with Hubby and actively look for friends
Make a point to be aware of and challenge negative thinking

Wish me luck! And if you want to join, go to Perfect 10, but hurry--you need to start by tomorrow!

Holding My Head Up--Times 3

2010-01-06T13:20:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling good. And I feel so good that I'm feeling good. But I have to say I'm working hard to just HOLD MY HEAD up in several ways.

#1: Holding My Head Up to BREATHE
First, I'm working on learning a new swimming stroke. The only "real" strokes I can do are the freestyle and the backstroke. I also do 2 fake strokes (kind of like the Fake song books for the piano I guess)--what I call the "frog" back stroke and the side stroke. So I'm trying to teach myself how to do the breast stroke (which, admittedly, in my mind I was calling the breath stroke, and which frankly, I think would be a better name for it!)

So I'm reading about it in a book I have and I found these 2 great videos.

And

#2: Holding My Head Up to Stay Awake

Ok, so Hubby and I have been setting the alarm for 6 AM and getting up to go swim. I know from previous experiences that when you first start exercising that it initially it makes you TIRED. Eventually, I know it will turn around, and the exercise will make me feel more ENERGIZED. But that hasn't happened yet.

As a result, I practically want to put my head down on my dinner plate! By 9:00, I'm like a baby who needs a nap but refuses to close her eyes. . . mean and disoriented! Last night I forced myself to stay up to cook Brussel Sprouts that were about to go bad and to dry and hang up a load of good clothes so I could wear something decent to work today. But I wasn't happy about it. (Sorry, Hubby for your suffering the last 2 nights from ~9:30 on. . . I promise I'll lengthen my fuse!).

#3: Holding My Head Up to Feel Proud!

This morning was the first time we'd been to the pool when there was more than one person in it before we arrived. Our pool has room for 4 lanes--usually only 2 are roped off, leaving an open 2-lane wide space that Hubby and I use for warming up with water aerobic moves before we swim. This morning, a guy was swimming in the 2nd lane and on one side of the 2-lane open side. Then a woman came in to swim in the first lane.

I have to say, it was easier and less embarrassing to jog around in the pool and do jumping jacks and use the water weights in a "lap" lane when I had Hubby with me. But I still kept wondering inside, "Do they think we are hogging a lane? Is that guy sharing our lane annoyed that we're doing this? Or are we bugging him?" Then, I'd counter myself saying, "Hey, we can't be bugging him anymore than he's bugging us. . . "

Surprisingly enough with all this noise going in, when the 2nd guy got out of the pool, he crossed by me and Hubby (we were near the steps) and said, "You're working hard!"

I said: "We're trying."

And he said, "No, you're not trying. Other people are trying. They're at home laying in bed trying. You're here and you're doing it! Don't sell yourself short!"

And I said: "THANK YOU!"

He's right.

I rock.

Hubby rocks.

Me & Hubby--we rock.

Here's to a rocking good day.

Following the Crowd & Feeling OK About It

2010-01-04T22:23:00.000-05:00

Who cares if it's trendy and shallow and gimicky to get caught up in New Year's resolutions? Sometimes you just need something to help you bring to the forefront the things that matter to you. . .to see past the everyday fog that keeps you from seeing all the pretty options on the horizon.

I don't care if I'm with a crowd of other hopefuls crowding the parking lot at the gym or blogging about my goals or packing my lunch or trying new recipes. The best thing that could happen is for me to latch on to one or more of them and have my enthusiasm and commitment grow. I need all the friends I can get (a few within 30 miles or so please. . .).

So successes of the day--we did it! We got up; we swam. Not exactly as early as I'd liked (I was a bit late for work but everyone was in post holiday grog so no biggy), but who cares? By the time we were in the car, I already felt like a winner. "So far, so good," I said to Hubby.

And I had a good food day. He said yuck to my lunch of greens & brown rice & black eyed peas, and I wish I'd brought pepper vinegar, but it wasn't bad. AND while I at my desk, I read and commented on a few blogs.

Yay, me. Keeping the focus. . .

A for Enthusiasm

2010-01-03T21:57:00.001-05:00

Hubby and I went swimming again today at the gym and he officially joined (making our membership family instead of single). So while we were talking with the head of the trainers about getting our fitness assessment (It's all about assessing you so they can sell you a training package.), I found myself getting all enthusiastic about the prospect of working with a trainer again. There I sat verbalizing what I'd been thinking--things are settling down for me, we've been here 2 years now, I have good help at work, (I've got my depression under control--I didn't say that), so it seems like a good time to get healthier and focus on getting fit again. I sat there thinking, I could probably come home from work and meet with a trainer about 8 PM. . .

Of course all this enthusiastic thought was before we went swimming--we went much later today--about 4PM (good for us, though, because Hubby let me sleep this AM and we set the goal of going at 4 instead of leaving it open ended--"sometime this afternoon. . ."--and we did it!) and then I came home and made up a grocery list, then went to the store, stopping for gas on the way home. I checked the time in the car because it felt like the middle of the night! It was 7:35. . .I felt beat. My earlier enthusiasm started to get shaky. . .

I ate some rotisserie chicken and some leftover roasted rutabegas, carrots, & parsnips for dinner and had plans to cook ahead some brussel sprouts but man, I'm bushed. It's now 9:45.

Well, we meet with the guy for the assessment on Weds. so there is time to think this through . . . I don't have to make an immediate decision.

Tomorrow is our first day going to the pool before work. I need to go fold the clothes on the bed and decide what I'm going to wear to work so I can be ready to get up and go. I feel about 85% confident in myself. . .but Hubby should be reliable--thank goodness!

A few other good things about the day:

I took advantage of a sale at Catherines and got a few casual tops and an outfit for work. I would really love to be able to say goodbye to Catherines. I can't fit in 3x in most stores right now, except there because theirs runs large.
I discovered www.eatingwell.com/diet. I got the Eating Well Diet Cookbook (along with 3 others) for Christmas. I like their magazine alot. The cookbook has a lot of weight loss info in the front and some good looking recipes. It turns out there is a lot of info on their site too and recipes (many from the cookbook).
I talked for an hour and half this AM with my friend Lynn from Boston. It was a really great chat. She is really good at self-care--something my PhD tells me I need to get better at. . . I wish we talked more often. She leads a charmed life--travels a ton. Last year she went to Iceland and Berlin. She'll spend the month of Feb in Hawaii. I like to travel vicariously through her and get tips on managing money! I think I may stick my neck out and see if she will set a phone date with me once a week--we did that years ago. The worst that can happen is that she'll reject me, but if I don't try, I'll never know.

Are You a Moosewooder?

2010-01-02T16:31:00.000-05:00

Have you heard of the Moosewood Restaurant? It's a vegetarian restaurant in Ithaca, NY. Hubby & I ate there years ago with our friend, Bob, long before we ever even contemplated healthy eating. So at the time, we could appreciate how it would be great for some people, but it seemed weird to us.

I have a Moosewood cookbook (Lowfat Favorites) and I've made a few things from it. Hubby is still not enthralled. Not that he won't eat vegetarian food, cause he will, but there is just something about Moosewood recipes that he doesn't like. . .

I made one soup recipe for us to eat from yesterday that was very mediocre. It was called 3 Sisters Stew and featured butternut squash, kidney beans, and corn (called the 3 sisters by Native Americans, my book says). It also had mushrooms & onions. The major spice it called for was dill. . . not my favorite and second was thyme. It didn't help that hubby burned it on the bottom when he was warming it up. . . It didn't taste bad, but was it wasn't good either. And I couldn't think what to add to it that might have made it better. . .

Along with it, I made a cornbread recipe that had pumpkin in it. Also not a winner. . .the texture was good--more cakey than cornbready, but it didn't have much flavor and I didn't help it because I added nutmeg. Yuck. It was all peppery. Next time, I might increase the brown sugar--it called for 1 or 2 T I think. Typically, I don't like sweet cornbread (given my southern genes), but if you have pumpkin.. . . I frankly thought it needed more pumpkin taste, but I'm not one of those people who can just dump in the right amts without a recipe and have it turn into cornbread, or cake, or pancakes, or muffins. . .

But! I'm trying again today. I have on the stove a Savannah Beans and Greens Soup. It has fresh collard greens, black-eyed peas, and brown rice in it. It's also pretty short on spices, called for only 1/4 tsp allspice, pinch of thyme, 1 T brown sugar, and 1 T cider vinegar, along with the onion and garlic. But I have more hope for this one because I added rotel tomatoes instead of plain and I know I like adding pepper vinegar to my greens. I'm a day late on the black-eyed peas, but not superstitious enough to think it matters!

Did you have a special New Year's food? My hubby always wants saurkraut and potatoes and pork (ick), and my mom always cooks the black-eyed peas. But our family's tradition is Reubans. . .skipped those this year. . .(maybe that's why Hubby burned my soup. . . )

OH! I almost forgot. . .YEATS liked the cornbread. I threw one piece away because she snuck up to the table and LICKED it right in front of me and my dad. . .

But then a bit later, Hubby said, "Did you throw all that cornbread away? The plate on the table is empty!"

Bad dog. . . :)

Twenty Ten Rhymes With Gym

2010-01-01T22:08:00.002-05:00

Ok, according to my know-it-all poet husband, it's a SLANT rhyme. (Or off rhyme) Whateva. . or as I said to him recently by mistake but then decided it was a phrase worth keeping--shut eva. . (blending shut up and whatever for you still suffering hangovers).

I've been on vacation all week, and on Monday, Tuesday, and Weds. Hubby and I got up together and went to the gym. I figure based on all the times I used that gym in the last year, each visit only cost me a couple hundred dollars (well, perhaps less since they let Hubby in for free). We went swimming. I lead us in some water aerobic type warm ups for about 15 minutes each day, then we did 15 minutes of swimming--getting across the length of the pool however we could, then we dipped in the hot tub.We didn't go Thursday because the cleaners come that AM and we didn't go today, but we are going tomorrow.

So our warm ups look like this:

Jogging in place with arms bent at elbows, palms down when pressing down and palms up when pressing up. Do this facing forward for a count of 15, then turn quarter turns & repeat. Do the circuit twice.
Kick up with legs using arms like scissors, same count and same quarter turns.
Jog forward and back for about 1/4 length of pool (not too shallow, not too deep) or in circles to create currents
Do crab walks about 1/2 length of pool, 2x
Use noodles to work out arms--15 up and down at side, 15 out from the side and back, 15 forward, 15 back, 15 across--switch arms.
Hold noodle in front, raise knees and twist like a washing machine.
Hold noodle down in water and kick behind (I wear my Zoomers) to end of pool.
Sit on noodle (like riding a horse), use jog kick and breast stroke to get to other end of pool.
Do freestyle stroke to end of pool.
Do back/frog kick back.
Side stroke up.
Side stroke other side back.
Freestyle up
Backstroke back.
Backstroke up.
Freestyle back.
Another set up and back with some combo

The first day I felt every move, was even a little sore (so was hubby). But I felt energized and positive. The second day, I felt less energized, more reservedly positive, but also less sore. But I used my goggles and that really helped, mostly because it kept my hair out of my face when I took breaths. The third day, I felt great. Energized, positive, and not sore. I made hubby sore by adding in new arm moves. The third day I had to wear a bandaid on my left big toe where the Zoomer had rubbed.

My plan is to go to the pool before work. I'm just hoping it's as quiet in the pool as it has been. There's room for 4 swim lanes. Usually 2 are set up as lanes and the other 2 are open for classes. Hubby and I use the fat 2 unlaned lanes and so far we've only ever had one other swimmer in there with us part of the time and maybe one person in the hot tub.

I can tell that if I get to the point to have enough cardio endurance to do sustained laps that it has the potential to feel good--meditative and belly flattening all at the same time. . .

Mama's Hands Are Never Empty

2009-11-02T22:12:00.002-05:00

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

An ounce of mother is worth a pound of clergy.

~Spanish Proverb

Inspirational Song

Simple Gifts

Dianne Schneider

All She Had

Mom stayed an extra night so she could give me her full day yesterday. You can now see the floor of my closet! Sounds like I'm 8 years old, doesn't it? Who else could I count on to come help me sort a messy closet, but my mother? She also ironed some of my jackets. We were so tired that we ate smoothies for dinner!

I called Mom at the end my work day today to tell her how my lunch of Butternut Squash & Mushroom Risotto was with my side of Broccoli Rabe (good!) and for us to exchange once again to each other our thanks for the weekend.

After dinner I called my sister. My sister doesn't drive. She drove until my niece was born 26 years ago, but she stopped then and hasn't driven since. Every now and then she needs my mom to pick her up from school (she's a teacher's aid). Today was one of those days.

As I was talking to my Sis, she said, "You know mom can't see me without bringing me something." Do I ever know this! "So when I got in the car, do you know what she handed me?"

"What?" I said.

"A baked sweet potato." I started howling.

"What?!"

"She said she looked around and didn't have anything else but a sweet potato, so she baked it for me."

I was still laughing--loudly. "Did you eat it?"

"No, she said it was to add to my dinner."

"I bet she thought you'd eat it right there in the car. You should have eaten it!" I said.

"Only you would think this was funny." She told me. I think it's delightfully funny, guffawing til you cry funny.

And the sweetest thing ever.

Cookin', Cleanin', & Poodles

2009-11-01T06:46:00.007-05:00

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

The family - that dear

octopus from whose tentacles we

never quite escape, nor, in

our inmost hearts, ever

quite wish to.

~Dodie Smith

Inspirational Song

Sweet Southern Comfort
Buddy Jewel

Cookin' With Mama
My mom came to spend Halloween night with us. She only lives 45 minutes away but it's kind of unusual for her to come to our house without an occasion. It wasn't Halloween that brought her, though, it was the fact that she felt like I needed help. She knows I work late (I sometimes call her from my car when I'm leaving working after 7) and she said she wished she lived closer so she could help me cook ahead and bring me food.

So on Thurs. she called to see if I "wanted" her to come up and help me cook some meals ahead for the week.

Now many, many times Mama's idea of meals doesn't sync with what I need to stay on track. But this time she was really trying. She brought this sheet that a doctor had given her of meals for a week to stay on 1800 calories/day and we picked a dinner recipe that she liked.

We haven't eaten it yet (we will Monday or Tues.) but it looks good and it wasn't hard (not just because Mom basically made it!).

Asian Chicken & Cabbage

Heat 2 tsp of peanut oil and saute chicken breast strips (we just cut 2 small breast halves into pieces) until cooked through.
Remove chicken.
Add ~2 cups loosely packed napa cabbage (or savory or regular green cabbage) to the heated skilled with ~1 cup pea pods (I prefer sugar snap peas over snow peas), add 1 small can water chestnuts (drained), salt & pepper, and 2 cut scallions.
Saute until cabbage is wilted.
Add chicken back to veggies.
Add light soy salt to taste.
Add 1 small can mandarin oranges. Heat through.
Serve over brown rice.

I also roasted some beets. I'm going to heat some OJ & other items from a recipe later to put them in. And I bought broccolini, Brussels Sprouts, and asparagus, along with 5 kinds of winter squash: delicata, acorn, butternut, an orange one that had "red" something in the name, and a funny shaped green one that I can't remember the name of --starts with a K. When I cook 'em, I'll let you know.

My plan is to bring 2 or 3 vegetables for my lunch during the week. Last week I cooked some Brussels Sprouts with shallots & bacon & a tad of vinegar & brought small amounts as a "side" to my lunch--they were yummy. I know a lot of people don't like them, and I've gone through spells where I don't either. But if you cook them right (don't boil them or overcook them), they are good.

Cleanin'
Mom wants to help me sort my unbelievable messy closet, which I've complained to her about. Part of its disasterousness is because I can't fit into things and I already have tons of clothes I can't fit in in the attic in 2 big "hanging" boxes and also in the "TV room" closet. It's funny how quickly we want to get rid of fat clothes but how long we will hang on to smaller clothes.

I've been putting off the closet organizing because a) takes forever and b) it's a way to deny how huge I am. I'd show you pictures but it's unfathomable even to me.

Poodles
Mom brought her miniature poodle, Buddy. He looks like the "before" to our goldendoodle, Yeats. Buddy is ~7 years old, so the old guy, but the little guy. It's a hoot to watch Yeats lie on her belly to try to entice Buddy to play. She hops all around him, but she kind of "nips" at the top of his neck a lot which worries us a bit, but Buddy doesn't seem to react. I think they are having fun, but Mom & Hubby get concerned if either of them make noise. Sounds like playing noise to me. . .

I may try to get some pics later. . .I'm not sure I'll be able to capture the most delightful part of their antics.

(I love waking up with light outside! But don't talk to me around 4:30!)

[I just realized if I changed the order of the words of this title. . . it would sound some kind of horrible Halloween witch's brew!]

GoodBye Summer, Hello Fall

2009-10-28T21:27:00.002-04:00

This wreath came down

And this one went up

Part 2: Local Living Means Letting the Day Count

2009-10-25T17:51:00.007-04:00

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

To sit
with a dog on a hillside
on a glorious afternoon
is to be back in Eden,
where doing nothing was not boring -
it was peace.
~Milan Kundera

Inspirational Song

I Love My Old Bird Dog (and I Love You)

Local Living = Making a Life of the the Daily Events

This is a continuation of the last post I made about Living and Loving Locally.

Part of Local Living seems to me to be about becoming aware of and being satisfied with the little teeny tiny successes and accomplishments and interactions in each day.

I don't know how some people do it. Like look at Sean Anderson of The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser? Each of his days are packed with events. Of course his job is one that gets him out there with the public and and at events that are at least interesting to hear about. But he can make even the most mundane of things--the things you just have to do to sustaining yourself each day--like eating breakfast, sleeping, and talking a walk interesting to read through. I congratulate him on this. . . .my life seems so quietly uneventful next to his.

Another person who does this beautifully--and very consciously--is Maria of Little Things Are Big. She gets joy and satisfaction from taking a walk with her dog and noticing the leaves changing.

I want their kind of energy and optimism about the little makings of our lives!

I'm afraid I spend a lot of my life in "stew"--in my head a lot, tumbling worries and ideas and plans around like so many chopped vegetables, so that they all that simmering blends them together in one big brown, unidentifiable melting pot.

Even as a kid, I thought of myself as too smart and too worthwhile to lose any of my time on petty day-to-day tasks like making my bed. Making the bed, in my mind, was for less creative folk. I had things to do! Books to read! People to talk to! Journals to write!

In some ways, it was a similar argument with myself in terms of deciding not to have children (not just this, but it was a factor)--who had time to spend the evening making & monitoring meals so that kids ate nutritiously or giving them bathes or taking them to piano lessons? I had my own life to tend to! My own piano lessons to take! My own worries about nutrition to solve! Of course, I'm past the child bearing years now and I'm still fretting and stewing about the same issues sans the loving connection of kids. (Thank goodness for my "steps" --all of them--kids & grandkids!)

Recently my aunt gave me a huge bunch of clothes (26's, that fit, if that tells you anything)--and she included freshly laundered--barely worn, like new-underwear. After my initial thought of gross; I found myself thinking, I wish I could fold underwear so neatly and aligned--the very kind of thing I snobbishly have placed myself above spending time on! I neglected to realize that coming in the room to see a nicely made bed or opening a draw to nicely stacked undies gives you that mini boosting surge of happiness. . . and sometimes, that is enough.

John Lennon & the Bhutanese

John Lennon said, "Life happens while you're making other plans." I've started reading The Geography of Bliss: One Grump's Search for the Happiest Places in the World again (I displaced it under the car seat during a recent road trip). The writer, Eric Weiner, goes on an international search looking for places that are the most happy. While in Bhutan, he meets with a happiness expert appropriately named Karma. I found this scene memorable and thought provoking:

"Karma, are you happy?"
"Looking back at my life, I find that the answer is yes. I have achieved happiness because I don't have unrealistic expectations."
This strikes me as an odd explanation. In America, high expectations are the engines that drive us, the gas in our tanks, the force behind our dreams and, by extension, our pursuit of happiness.

"My way of thinking is completely different," he says, "I have no such mountains to scale; basically, I find that living itself is a struggle, if I am satisfied, if I have done just that, lived well, in the evening I sigh and say, 'It was okay.'"

"Do you have bad days?"

"Yes, but it's important to put them in the perspective of insignificance. Even if you have achieved great things, it is a sort of theater playing in your mind. You think it is so important, but actually you have not made such a difference to anyone's life."

"So you're saying, Karma, that both our greatest achievements and our greatest failures are equally insignificant?"
"Yes. We like to think we really made a difference. Okay, in the week's scale, it may have been interesting. Take another 40 years, I'm not so sure. Take three generations, and you will be forgotten without a trace."

"And you find this a source of comfort? I find it terribly depressing."
"No, as we say in Buddhism, there is nothing greater than compassion. If you have done something good, then in the moment, you should feel satisfied."

I had a manager once who told me that she wished that I valued more what a great skill I had communicating with people (I didn't want to be promoted in the customer service aspects of my job; I wanted the path that led to editorial promotion so I could strengthen my editing and writing skills).

Another manager told me once I was "gifted" managing other people.

I hired someone once who later gave me a card with a picture of a drop of water hitting the surface of a lake and showing the concentric circles; she said I had no idea how much my faith in her had an ongoing impact on her life and confidence in herself.

In my current job, no one is falling over themselves to compliment me in such ways, but I like to think that I make my direct report's lives just a tad more fulfilling just by thanking them for their work and respecting their contributions and putting their lackadaisical moments and errors in perspective--like I try to do with my own.

Doing that at work comes easier than doing it with the personal stuff--feeling satisfied with a day filled with the mundane . . .the mundane that basically adds up to life.

Part 1: Live & Love Local--For Tomorrow You May Die

2009-10-25T15:45:00.009-04:00

TODAY's INSPIRATION
I know the answer!
The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!

The answer is 12?

I think I'm in the wrong building.

Charles Schulz (Lucy Van Pelt in Peanuts)

Inspirational Song
Charlie Brown Theme
Vince Guaraldi

A Case for Local Living?

I got this in an e-mail from a friend and I don't know if it is really attributable to Charles Schultz or not, but it struck me as true in a bittersweet sort of way.

Charles Schultz Philosophy
The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the 'Peanuts' comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.

1. Name the 5 wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last 5 Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last 5 winners of the Miss America.
4. Name 10 people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name 3 friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name 5 people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of 5 people you enjoy spending time with.
Easier?

The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.
'Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia (These last 2 lines are attributable to Schultz for sure.)
--Charles Schultz

Local Loving = Work Second, Family First
Of course what this means is the reverse is also true. All our attempts and dream to find immortality through fame and power are likely to result in a small poof--our real value is what we do and give and how we live on in those around us whose lives we touch.

It feels like our whole societal structure was not set up properly for this. We spend at least--and more like 10 or 12 hours a day preparing ourselves for work, getting there, and using our brain work and energy to make someone else's desires come true.

I'm even lucky enough to truly like my job. My career is my life in many ways. . .but I also see the pointlessness of it. I've left enough jobs to know that people start to downplay your value and contribution before you even get all your belongings out the door if you decide to leave (or if they decide to lay you off), and even the people who you share most of your life with now--all the day's ins and outs, the laughs, the inside jokes--they most likely do nothing to keep in touch either after the work connection is gone.

So there we are, giving our families the bits of energy we have left, struggling to re-energize ourselves to connect with them and laugh with them make a significant contribution to their spirits and psyches, without it just being a re-hash of our work day.

To remember each time we speak to them that they are the people we love most in the world. . . let them hear it in our voice.

Day 105: I'm an Art on Metal Kind of Gal

2009-10-19T21:14:00.008-04:00

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.

Dan Castellaneta

Inspirational Song

Your Funeral & My Trial

Sonny Boy Williamson

Artwork Admiration

I saw this artist's work--Fleetwood Covington--at both Atlanta's Folk Fest and Northport's Kentuck Festival. His expressions are amazing. I really like his work oils on metals--huge big colored metal pieces. . . I'm note sure it's the kind of art that Hubby would choose to live with.

White Harp
Fleetwood Covington,
Oil on Metal

Little Walter Fleetwood Covington
Oil on Metal Blowin'
Fleetwood Covington,
Oil on Metal

Day 101: Pleasingly Pumped

2009-10-15T21:31:00.005-04:00

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

Habit is habit and

not to be flung

out of the window

by any man but

coaxed downstairs

a step at a time.

Mark Twain

Inspirational Song

Life Is a Highway

Rascal Flatts

Appreciating the Little Things

I've been doing pretty well with my food. Bringing my lunches--even when I have to punt like today. This AM I "fried" an egg and heated it up at lunch with a piece of veggie sausage and ate it on one of those Pepperidge Farm Sandwich Thins. I've had a few days where I'm a bit over my 1500 calories (because I lag on the calculations), but I am so much more on track and in charge. And I came home tonight really hungry and ate a 90 calorie bag of baked Doritos instead of just randomly munching on whatever I could grab out of the fridge. It feels good.

Exercise Ponderings
As I am planning my exercise habits. . . getting my arms around likely having to get up earlier. . . argh. . .I'm thinking about climbing a flight of stairs after every time I take a break to pee. . . got to fit it in sometime. . .

First thing to do this weekend. . .get a new battery for my pedometer.

Discipline Before Affection
Yesterday my friend--who's way more dog savvy than I am--told me I needed to get more forceful with our 10 month old goldendoodle, Yeats, and be way way more consistent to keep her off me and to not let her bite at me (it's play, but it's still teeth). And I swear I thought I did sound like I meant it before when I said off and no, but I got down more in her face and concentrated on saying it more like I meant it, and she really is listening! I feel so much more hopeful that I will be able to get her respect instead of being her romping partner. It's really annoying to not be able to walk through the gate (we still gate her off in our family room and kitchen) without her leaping on me or walking while trying to hook my toes in her ring toys! I feel so much more empowered after Christine's little speech! Thanks, Christine!

There is a brisk coolness in the air today. I love fall.

Artwork Admiration
This weekend we go to Kentuck--a folk art fest near Tuscaloosa AL. My friend, Pat, who I saw a few weeks ago with my sister called and said she wanted to see me again while I was nearby because she'd had such fun with my sister and me. And it sounds silly but her wanting to be with me made me feel so normal and healthy and pleasant. We're going to go gallery hopping together. I'm psyched.

I'm hoping at Kentuck I'll be as intrigued by the interesting pieces like these I saw at Atlanta's Folk Fest, by Robin Anne Cooper.

She does sculptures and paintings using what she calls painted canvas collage. My favorites are her dogs.

Day 100: Revving Up to Move

2009-10-14T21:59:00.004-04:00

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

Planning is bringing the future

into the present so that you

can do something about it now.

Alan Lakein

Inspirational Song

Long as I Can See the Light

Ted Hawkins

Preparing to Plan

Do you know the stages of change made famous by Prochaska? They are precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. He says that the reason a lot of people fail when they try to change is because they jump into action too quickly without giving themselves time to plan.

So instead of feeling like I am procrastinating with what I'm going to say next, I am looking at this as taking a few days to plan and get ready. I did that years ago when I successfully lost 60 lbs on WW. I talked about joining with Hubby but delayed it for a few weeks I think as we got our minds around it.

So what am I planning for now you wonder? Exercise.

I haven't been exercising. For 6 years while I maintained my 60 lb weight loss I was a regular exerciser. I walked alot. I swam. I worked with a trainer and strength trained. I biked a little. I wasn't thin; I wasn't fit, but I was a heck of a lot more fit than I am now. AND it felt great.

I see people coming back from a walk at the park a few blocks away from our office and coming out of the gym and I feel a bit envious like they are doing something I can't do. . . but the only thing really stopping me is me.

Yes, I have a really busy work schedule and it is very hard to get away. But no one is going to come to my desk and say, OK, now, Sandy, go exercise. Take an hour. I have to figure this out. And if I can't figure it out during the day then I need to before the day starts or after. . . I need to weed through each and every tiny obstacle and come up with a plan I can deliver on.

I want to feel like I can count on myself again.

What to Work Through
So I need to
A. Figure out a time to exercise
B. Figure out how to remove obstacles
C. Create motivation
D. plan for the need to punt

Obviously walking is a good first start. When I did this before--starting from 0--I started with a 20 minute walk and added several minutes every few days. Eventually, I picked up speed and more time. Later I added inclines but that was never my strong suit.

I want to do all these things again--walk regularly, bike, swim, strength train. And I want to dance with hubby in the living room, on the front porch. . . I want to dance as I cook in the kitchen and feel free swaying my body.

The other thing I want to do is come up with a list of personal successes I want to accomplish. When I broke my wrist, I created a timeline of recovery--showing how long it took to get certain movements back. I'd like to create a similar list now, recovering from inactivity and obesity. . .
There will be more but here is a taste of my list. . .

Squat on floor to work on something
Get in bathtub without dropping the last foot
Get out of bathtub without getting on all fours
Clasp hands across the middle of my back again (one hand over your head)
Not feel like I want to avoid the stairs

Thinking About a Year from Now
By this time next year, I would like to be in Acadia Maine with hubby and be able to comfortably bike on some of their trails and also canoe. Fall in Maine is amazing. A bigger bonus would be to feel comfortable to try kayaking. Maybe even ride horses. To be able to do this, I need to increase my aerobic capacity, get more skilled on a bike (I don't even feel able to ride right now), increase my upper body strength, be able to ascend and arise without difficulty, hike someand lose enough weight to fit into the boats! My plan is to come up with a plan of attack that will get me where I need to be.

I've made plans before and plenty of llofty ists. Not so much a year out goal. I feel excited and skeptical. I feel like there isn't really anything to stop me. . . I'm not feeling depressed, I like my job, I am gaining more authority at work--it's time to move forward. I hope you'll help me with ideas and inspiration and support. . .

Day 99: Back to Feeling Proud

2009-10-13T22:38:00.003-04:00

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

Doubt can only be removed by action.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Inspirational Song

Muscadine

Sarah Haggarty

What I've Done Lately to Feel Proud

I talked with my friend Christine tonight and she told me to stop and give myself a pat on the back. She said I was often so concerned about the future and where I wanted to go that I didn't notice now. She urged me to take notice and take pride in the fact that I clawed my way out of this recent depression to change meds and get help. And that IS good. I am feeling so much better.

Here are some other less monumental things but things of which I'm proud:

Made a tuna salad sandwich last night for my lunch today
Made a new sweet potato, chick pea, zucchini kind of stew last night for dinner tonight.
Ate muscadines for a snack today at work.
Took a 15 min walk outside in the middle of today at work today. The weather was perfect and fall like.
Started tracking my calories in Spark people again.
Read a few blogs and left comments.
Gave my dog a shower night before last
Felt really good when my friend I saw a few weekends ago in B'ham called to say she knew I was coming again and wanted to see me--and I set up plans for us
Connected with a dear friend who I hadn't talked to in months and really enjoyed it
Have had some meaningful conversations with Hubby with the TV off
Grabbed & hugged my 2 NC granddaughters at the same time and kissed on them. The 3 year old told me I was the best "Meme" she'd ever had! (I'm her only Meme. :) She also has a grandma and a nana.)
Apologized to 2 people at work after I was cranky with them.
Allowed myself to thoroughly enjoy my stepdaughter's peformance in a church play while sitting next to her mother (my hubby's ex)

Day 98: "Excited Every Moment"

2009-10-12T21:51:00.001-04:00

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

You must begin to think of yourself

as becoming the person you want to be.

David Viscott

Inspirational Song

I Only Have Eyes for You

Ella Fitzgerald

Keeping My Eyes on the Prize

On this morning's Today Show, they showed the story of Kimberly, a woman who recently lost 211 pounds. After saying she'd been overweight her whole life, she also said she had never been a dieter and that this was the first time she had tried to change her food consumption. When Matt Lauer asked her if she'd had setbacks or doubts along the way she said no that she'd been "excited every moment" and "happy through out the whole thing." Once she had her moment of awareness she was anxious to get on with being able to live her life for the first time.

Such focus is inspirational, isn't it? Amazing. She lost 211 pounds in less than 21 months.

Does Thinking It Make It So?
I found something else by Googling about excitement and weight loss. David Bennett says:

Experts tell us that our mind doesn't necessarily know the difference
between what we think is true, and what is true. If we are excited about weight
loss, then we are constantly telling ourselves how we will lose weight and reach
our goal! When this excitement fades, it becomes more difficult to lose weight,
because our mind is no longer able to think as positively as when we started.

As you know, I'm no mystic, but sometimes it does seem like the more I have a weight loss mindset, the more I lose. What do you think?

Day 95: Could Heresy Lead Me to Freedom?

2009-10-09T21:40:00.004-04:00

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

Om Namah Shivaya

I honor the divinity that resides within me.

A Sanskrit meditation as cited in

Eat, Pray, Love

by Elizabeth Gilbert

Inspirational Song

What If God Was One of Us

Joan Osbourne

My Heretical Thoughts

I know this post won't attract a lot of readers because words like heresy never do. For those of you unfamiliar with the word but loyal or curious or bored enough to come by anyway, allow me to translate. Heresy is an opinion that goes against established religious beliefs. You could use the word unorthodox, but I don't think it packs quite the punch as heresy.

As I've said in other posts, I'm not a traditional believer. Many members of my beloved family take the Bible literally. I am not one of them. When I look at concordances that show the various translations and with my understanding of how difficult it is to translate, I can't understand how anyone could think one reading is the "right" reading or that a single translation could carry the whole original message intact.

I appal my family and other orthodox believers even more by not believing the Bible is the only book that we can learn religious ideas from. I think it's really thought provoking to hear Buddhist ideas or Hindu ones or beliefs of the B'hai. Many of my traditionally religious family members are very threatened by other works and cannot hear how similar some of the ideas and teachings are or pick things up that they might be able to apply in their own life. They can only look at other religious teachings with skepticism and disdain.

And to go even further, I shock them, by letting them know if we ever get to that depth of conversation, that for me there is no "truth." There are a lot of cool ideas to ponder and consider and dwell on enough to think about how to improve myself--by being a more loving and generous person--and improve the world--by hoping my love and peace and calmness could at the least not contribute to violence and hatred even if it can't foster peace. I find it interesting to discuss these ideas with others, even if they have found a "truth" they firmly believe in. The conversation goes better if they don't scorn me, of course.

The Makings of a Parable
by 45andaspiring

I find the concept of parables--a simple story that tells a moral or teaches a lesson--a comfortable one. It allows for the sharing of a message about "good living" without too much emphasis on literalisms or mysticisms.

My studies so far in life have allowed me to play with this little parable. It's not my intent to offend or sway. It's just a little what if story that I find interesting to contemplate. I hope some of you appreciate it.

What if instead of the story being that
Jesus is God incarnate--the human form of God--
the meaning was all humans are a physical form of God?
So that the beauty of the story was not just
that Jesus was divine, but that we all are.

If that were true, then we would need to nurture and try
to reach and grow what was divine within us.

And if this divinity was specifically given to human forms,
then would not our very bodies also be part of what we
needed to nurture and enhance as the vessel and
one-time carrier of that divine spirit?

What if all the people worked on developing their inner
divinities as well as their outer vessels, their bodies?
Would that not lead to repeated swells of mass ecstasy,
with mind-blowing, trembling transcendence both
mentally and physically?

Would not this mass ecstasy allow for a greater world of
creative and positive energy--like a humanity sized climax?

And ultimately, what if the promise of eternity for cultivating
the divine within us was that all these divine spirits came
together both now when we have bodies and also later
when our bodies are no longer?

If that were true, then would not the spirits we cultivated as humans continue on in a new body-free form, continuing
to be a positive, creative, divine force in the universe?

Allowing myself to contemplate this story makes me feel a need to be kinder to myself, more honoring of my strengths. Thinking of my body as a vessel for a divinity within me helps me feel more motivated to work with my body to make it all it can be--to train to levels that allow me to transcend the limits I've let fat put on me. It helps me think of my body and my spirit/mind together as the divinity that I can experience now in this life. Thinking this way makes me feel more positive, more gentle with myself, more content in my uniqueness/imperfections, and more driven to blossom my potential.

Gentle reader, if I have offended thee, please forgive me and know that I honor your faiths and beliefs and the truths you hold dear and that guide you.

Day 92: Awards Are Good

2009-10-06T22:39:00.007-04:00

DAILY INSPIRATION

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

- E E. Cummings

Inspirational Song

Pick Yourself Up

I Love Awards

Sandra of My Travels to a Better Me gave me an award! So the process is for me to answer the questions below with one word and to pass the award on to 6 others. . .

1. Where is your cell phone? Table

2. Your hair? Highlighted

3. Your mother? Loving

4. Your father? Charming

5. Your favorite food? Raspberries

6. Your dream last night? Vibrant

7. Your favorite drink? Coffee

8. Your dream/goal? Fit

9. What room are you in? Office

10. Your hobby? Writing

11. Your fear? Homelessness

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Tahiti

13. Where were you last night? Home

14. Something that you aren’t? Shy

15. Muffins? Rarely

16. Wish list item? Books!

17. Where did you grow up? Appalachia

18. Last thing you did? Talk

19. What are you wearing? Pants

20. Your TV? Off

21. Your pets? Goldendoodle

22. Friends? Heartwarming

23. Your life? Progressing

24. Your mood? Improving

25. Missing someone? Often

26. Vehicle? Imagination

27. Something you’re not wearing? Shoes

28. Your favorite store? Bookstore

29. Your favorite color? Green

30. When was the last time you laughed? 9:50 PM

31. Last time you cried? Thursday?

32. Your best friend? Hubby

33. One place that I go to over and over? Cape

34. One person who emails me regularly? Coworkers

35. Favorite place to eat? Outside

Your Blog Is the Over the Top
I pass the award onto these folks who are fairly new to my reading list--but all more popular than me! I still love many others (you know who you are!)

Debbie at Weigh to Go: Diary of a Fat Chick
Sarah at Quick. . . Save Me from Myself
Roxie at Gravel & Rust
ZaZa at The Incredible Shrinking Woman
Irene at Livin' Large
Name?? Stages of Change

Day 90: Being Satisfied With the Mundane

2009-10-04T21:28:00.004-04:00

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

“Diligence is a good thing,

but taking things easy is much more restful”

Mark Twain

Inspirational Song

Take It Easy

The Eagles

A No To-Do Weekend

This weekend I didn't create a to-do list and I don't think I "accomplished" any of the normal weekend to-dos, like laundry or grocery shopping. And I admit I did experience some angst about it at times.

But here are some things I did do:

Drove 2.5 hours to B'ham and 3.5 hours back (including dropping her back home) with my sister. She only lives 45 minutes away from me but we couldn't remember the last time we had spent time together (she doesn't drive which is a huge impediment.) I was hoarse before we even arrived. It was great. I brought the Smothers Brothers CD for us to listen to because we loved it as kids. . . but we never got quiet enough to need/appreciate it.

Sis & I met up with my friend who has 3rd stage ovarian cancer and who is in a clinical trial. She seemed good. Her hair was died a nice dark auburn--much filled out from her chemo from last year. She's feeling much better during this stint and her spirits are amazing.

We all went to the Bluff Park Art Show together. And surprise, surprise I didn't buy anything.

It was a lovely, lovely sunny day--great for driving and art show going--though hot in the sun.

Went to see a movie today with hubby! We used to go to movies every weekend, sometimes twice. But for years now we rarely go. We saw The Invention of Lying. It wasn't riotous (may have been funny with a larger audience), but it was thought provoking and enjoyable.

Through out all the ruined veggies and other foods from the fridge and wiped out shelves because something was stinking. . . still had enough fresh ingredients left to do the next 2 things.

Tried a recipe from Spark people for a nice fall soup--sweet potato with lentil & curry (160 cal). I've only taste tested it--not bad.

Tried another recipe of a zucchini pie (180 cal)--quite good. I think I could eat it for breakfast even! But I'm taking it tomorrow for lunch with some soup.

Attempted to brush mats out of the dog's hair. . .

Got my 2nd letter of rejection for my short story, The Winter Mom Sold Don Quixote. . this time from Narrative. . . c'est la vie.

While I made the soup, listened to This American Life with Hubby. . . I often go off and do my own thing while he listens and listen to it on my iPod during a commute. . . but it was relaxing to be with him and Yeats (the dog) sat in the kitchen watching me. . . seeming enchanted as I chopped . . .

Sitting near Hubby now as he watches Inspector Lewis--something else I like but usually let him do alone. It took some mind clearing on my part to hang here instead of going up to do laundry. . . But there are still clean things to wear and time that can be taken to do a quick iron in the AM if needed because sometimes taking it easy is a healthy thing.

Day 88: I Believe in Hugs

2009-10-02T17:18:00.002-04:00

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

According to University of North Carolina researchers

one extra 20-second hug can make a huge difference in

how happy and relaxed you feel.

Inspirational Song

The Touch

Stan Bush

I saw this article a couple of years ago and it hangs in my cube right next to my Civil Treatment certificate. . . the harrassment training course our company makes us go through which says. . . no touching, no hugs. . .

A Thousand Ways to Disconnect, and Now a Hugging Ban, Too
By Leonard Pitts

"Is there anybody alive out there?"- Bruce Springsteen, from Radio Nowhere

I needed a hug. This is two years ago, outside the village of Tykocin, Poland. I was on assignment, traveling with a Holocaust memorial group, most of whom were Jewish. After days spent touring murder camps, viewing the artifacts of the dead, grappling with the incomprehensible, our group found itself in a forest clearing. There, in 1941, we were told, 1,400 Jews - all the Jews of Tykocin - were made to dig three mass graves. And then they were shot.

I swear you could feel their presence, see them ambling the path down which we had come, hear mothers soothing anxious children with soft lies. "Hush now. Everything will be all right."

For me it was, finally, too much. I'm not a guy who cries easily and I didn't then. But man, I needed a hug. Needed a human touch. I sought out one of my bus mates and opened my arms.

It is a long way, physically and emotionally, from Tykocin to a middle school in Middle America, but the moral of the story remains the same. Sometimes - times of pain, times of commiseration, times of affection, times of joy - you just need to be held. So I was appalled to read this week about a school in Texas - Fossil Hill Middle in Fort Worth - where students are banned from hugging or even holding hands. And it turns out Fossil Hill is not the only one.

From Bend, Ore., to Oak Park, Ill., to Des Moines, Iowa, to Orlando, Fla., to, believe it or not, Cornwall, England, schools are banning hugs. Some say it's because hugging creates congestion in the halls. But there are others who say these "PDAs" - public displays of affection - are a gateway to sexual harassment.

My, my, my.

Am I the only one who feels this is just the latest step in a troubling trend? Am I the only one who sees businesses, schools and public institutions moving, inexorably as a Terminator, toward the standardization and regulation of even the most mundane of human interaction? In so doing, they seek to remove the defining element of human interaction: humanity.

I don't know about you, but I'm sick of punching in numbers. And talking to voice recognition software. And of self-service checkout lines. And of customer service agents who ask robotically, "Have I provided you with excellent service today?" after they have just told me they can't help me with my problem.

Ten years ago, a 58-year-old woman who worked as a cashier in a cafeteria in Washington, D.C., got in trouble because she had a habit of addressing her customers as "sweetie" and "honey." I've always thought women of a certain age who call you "honey" while taking your order were one of life's small, human pleasures. But some young person was offended.

My goodness, what robots we have become.

I understand the thinking. If you can standardize all interactions, you ensure a consistent level of quality. I'm just not convinced what we gain is worth all that we lose.

We already watch television in separate rooms. Eat dinner in shifts and on the run. Go about cocooned by iPod tunes. Now we have hugging bans. As if there were not already enough in life to made you feel disconnected, disaffected, alienated, isolated.

No one is pro-sexual harassment or, for that matter, pro-hallway congestion. But surely there are better solutions.

We're not talking about kids groping and making out. We are talking about "hugs." To hug is to reach across. It is to reaffirm common humanity. That is a powerful instinct.

Now the hug joins that long list of banned things. I guess kids who need consolation, kids primed for celebration, kids who just want to know that they are not alone will henceforth have to write text messages instead.

And progress marches on.

Leonard Pitts Jr., winner of the 2004 Pulitzer Prize for commentary, is a columnist for the Miami Herald. His e-mail address is lpitts@miamiherald.com.© 2007 Pioneer Press

Day 85: Dear Sean, I Wasn't Trying to Mislead You

2009-09-29T22:01:00.004-04:00

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

You've got to say, I think

that if I keep working at this

and want it badly enough

I can have it. It's called perseverance.

Lee Iacocca

Inspirational Song

A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes

Cher

Dear Sean,

I know you've been busy with your play and reaching your own aspirations and haven't been reading posts as much. But yesterday you left a comment on my blog that said, "You're almost to day 100!!! very nice, you must feel incredible my friend!!" And reading it made me feel bad--like I'd mislead you. I don't think I've been deceptive in any way, but maybe I haven't been as transparent as I could have been either. . . so I felt the need to set the record straight.

Yes, I am almost to day 100 since July 4 when I had my Day of Reckoning and decided to get serious again about losing weight. But I have not been on track every day. In fact, more than once I've considered re-setting the "dieting meter" or abandoning the count all together. Because that's how far off track I've been.

But I didn't erase the numbers because this is where I am. And the days go on whether I count them or not. And I still have hope that as I get further in my journey I will be able to have an entry that claims some dramatic amount of weight loss and say, "It took me over 80 days to get refocused, even after I claimed it, but I did, and you can too."

But I don't feel all bad, Sean, and here's why. I have depression. I say it that way on purpose because I'm coming to terms with it being a condition. If I say, I am depressed, it feels much more like something I am to blame for instead of something that just is. And during the last 40 days or so at least, my focus has really been on trying to make my way toward relieving the depression. And I am finally getting some relief so the days have not been for nothing.

And if you haven't struggled with depression, it may not be clear how key it is to be unbound by it in order to focus on other things. My hope that this will not always be true as I learn other skills and ways to cope, and have other patterns to fall back on, but right now it is.

And now, I am trying again to move on. I'd love to take the deep dive that you did--straight in, all the way, focused. But so far it's not happening for me. Instead, I find myself making smaller decisions and insights.

Like right now these are the things on my mind and in my focus:

I have a tendency to overeat cereal, which makes me feel like I'm starting the day out wrong. I have this kind of addiction to Honey Bunches of Oats Peach--it says 12 servings on the box, but I swear I'm through the thing in less than 5. Because of this, I'm trying to switch out my breakfasts. This is harder than it seems! It's like brushing your teeth with the other hand. But today, I had a yogurt parfait that I put together at home with a nectarine and some frozen blackberries. Yeah for me.

I am noticing 2 times when I feel particularly compelled to eat and working on recognizing them, calming myself, and responding to them differently. One time is when I feel rushed or kind of "put upon." Like when I move from one meeting to another at work, with no breaks, and eating lunch at my desk. This makes me feel like I'm racing and like I want to just cram food in my mouth. I am trying to figure out how to reframe this. I actually think if I could feel comfortable enough to give myself the time to do it that a brisk little walk or stretch even would help.

The other time I notice a strong desire to eat is when I feel this hole inside me. A disconnectedness. It can be a similar feeling as the above--being put upon, or misunderstood--like if my husband is not connecting with me or when I feel like I need to talk to someone but there is no time or no one around who I feel like I say the things I need/want to say. I am trying to just move my way through this and go ahead and reach out to people. Sometimes sharing with people makes me feel vulnerable because I say things with a level of intimacy that others don't. But really, I think this is me, and lots of people do respond to that and that's what draws them to me. So I think in the end, this hole will be less void if I can embrace this part of me without apprehension and seek the connection I desire.

Anyway, Sean, I so admire you and your family. And I truly appreciate your support and encouragement. And I don't want to feel like I am letting you down. It's a searching journey for me that is bigger than just weight--as I know you know. And it's hard to feel like I'm not failing. . . or letting myself down. . . or justifying . . .but I know I can just start from this moment, always, because that's all I have.

Love,

Sandy

Artwork Admiration

This is art from Bennie Morrison. I saw his work at Atlanta's Folk Fest a few weeks ago. I loved this because it is a painting on a turtle shell! And it's so full of little details.

He also writes little notes on the inside of the shell, which I found really quaint and endearing. The note on this one, if you can't read it says:

Snapping Turtle 13" x 14"
Found in Rivers Streams Wet Lands
Caught on Jugs Traps
Trappers use the meat
4-27-07 Two Wagons Farm
Bennie Morrison
Yep! We were on the farms

Day 83: Fair Skies

2009-09-27T20:45:00.010-04:00

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

Acquire inner peace and

a multitude will

find their salvation near you.

Catherine de Hueck Doherty

Inspirational Song

Free Bird

Lynard Skynard

Fair Skies

I love fall. Every fall I start to make big plans to make stuff for Christmas. That's not completely true. When I've been super depressed I have not wanted to make things and I just thought I was growing out of it.

But I think this new antidepressant--Cymbalta--is helping me. I am starting to feel like my old normal self. And it's amazing. There are actually things I want to do with my time. I want to work on photography and editing pictures and put together little books and write and take more painting classes and learn more about art. I want to try once again to play an instrument. . .

If I have a near miss with a car going to work, I don't think whatever who cares? I think, Yikes! be careful! I think I have things to look forward to!

I know that must sound strange to people who've never experienced the despair of depression, and it's a strange feeling, but it's a true feeling. And one I'm glad to not be experiencing.

Anyway, Fall is the time I start thinking about stuff I can make (which I'm usually disappointed in, but doesn't mean it's not fun to do it!) and it's the season of fairs--state fairs, local fairs, art fairs, and craft fairs! I love them all. . . but I'm especially inspired and uplifted by art fairs and craft fairs.

I'm pretty eclectic--I love the arts fairs that sell fine arts and folk art and grandma's art--you know crocheted booties and trains made from lifesavers & caramels.

Artwork Admiration
Here's a creative guy's work for you to check out J oel Pinkerton make the video box big (click on that box within the box on the right side of the video player, to the left of the triangle) so you can see the expressions of these recycled silver sculptures with attitude! I love each one. . .they are so creative and fun!

This one's called Coffee Quail!

Day 76: Fat ETs--It's Time to Assimilate

2009-09-20T22:06:00.002-04:00

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

A crust

eaten in peace

is better than a banquet

partaken in anxiety.

~Aesop, Fables

Inspirational Song

Wayfaring Stranger

Emmylou Harris

All Fat People Are Not the Same

You may or may not have noticed that all fat people are not the same. I’ve heard people say, “It doesn’t matter if you have to lose 10 pounds or 110 pounds, the process is the same.” Au contraire.

The process may be the same, but the person trying to lose the weight is different. For one thing, the person who has to lose more than 100 pounds is very likely to have been struggling much longer than the person who has less weight to lose. In fact, they are likely to have little to nothing in common with the folks who have 30 lbs or less to lose. I call those 30 lb or less folks the fat masqueraders. Simply put they are not fat. They may not even register in the official books as “overweight.”

Fat Masqueraders
Perhaps thin at some point in their life, they now find themselves a tad heavier, or they may have always carried this “extra” weight and just want to see finally what “perfect” feels like. Good for them. All they have to do is buckle down a bit on the habits that are already bred in them. They intuitively know when to stop eating and their body adjusts naturally to an occasional overindulgence. Sure, they’ll have to concentrate and feel the pain of a new way of making choices, but the transition is a small one.

They may need to exercise in a more structured, scheduled way than they have previously. And I feel for them. It’s hard to start moving for the first time and fitting it all in. I hope they succeed. But they aren’t trying to do it with the mass of a whole person attached to them like the truly fat do.

There’s no way fat masqueraders can identify with the struggle of long term obesity. But more about those long-term strugglers in a minute because first, we have to cover the group I call the Nouveau Obese.

The Nouveau Obese
The Nouveau Obese have temporarily stepped into the world of obesity. Many of them crossed into the territory after a pregnancy or two. The baby weight just never came off and they kept gaining. Another smaller lot of them are 45ish, leaning toward menopause, and realizing for the first times in their lives that they can’t eat the same things they did when they were 20. These are the kind of people who are shocked to realize that peanuts are high in calories.

I feel for the Nouveau Obese, I really do, because for them being fat is akin to falling asleep as a white person and waking up a black person in a racist world. They just can’t understand why suddenly people aren’t treating them the same way as they used to. They can’t understand why suddenly their old clothes don’t fit or why someone in their family grimaces when they take their standard chunk of cake at an annual celebration. The first time they use the word fat in reference to themselves they can barely choke it out it hurts so much.

While the weight loss challenge that the Nouveau Obese is real and can take a long time and require painful, conscientious, and even ongoing changes, there’s one thing that keeps them from the lowest of despair. The key element the Nouveau Obese lack is a history of being obese. And therefore, obesity is an “acute” problem for them.

At some point in their lives, the Nouveau Obese shopped in “normal” size clothes stores. They may have been athletic—even playing on sports teams. They probably went to prom. They’ve likely worn evening gowns or traditional wedding dresses. They have a healthy self esteem that is ready to be uncovered—that is strong enough to burst through the extra flab.

Some of the Nouveau Obese can get a good chunk of the way toward goal by trimming some calories with the ole dieting standards that in the past haven’t been part of their food pantries—diet sodas, & lower fat milk--skip the fries most of the time. When the Nouveau Obese talk about their success from these actions, I have to try very hard not to hate them. Because, you see, the group I belong to has such a history of obesity that it’s like they’re a variation on the species, I like to call them, the ETs from Obesity World.

The ETs From Obesity World
People from Obesity World have genetics that are not yet understood by today’s scientists. We have a psyche and metabolism that makes us respond differently to food than the average human. Even our personalities are different. We’re the folks who caused the stereotypes to become initiated--like fat people are funny and maternal and generous. We claim as our people John Candy, all “mammies,” and Santa Claus.

We were fat before being fat was a national trend—before it became an epidemic that everyone was being blamed for.

We’ve struggled to fit in here on planet earth, but we are always a bit apart. Thank goodness for the likeness of our kin—the majority being full, with a likeness to being foam filled. Family times made second portions and food celebrations feel normal. No one’s arms reached around the other so all the hugs were without awkwardness.

We ETs from Obesity World share the history of an obese childhood. In the comfort of our fat homes, we stayed protected. But then came the painful awareness that not only were we different but so were our loved ones—the people we admired and looked up to.
Unaccustomed to our kind, this world’s stores relegated us to basements and back of the store sections to ill named departments like Pretty Plus or Huskies. Some of us grew up never fitting into a pair of jeans—or even pants that had a zipper. Some of us had the extra shame of wearing clothes that were tailor made so they would fit us —and leaving us to look all the more alien in our fake denim or handmade replicas of the trendy clothes.

And the shame didn’t leave us in adulthood. Some of us used the shame to excel in other areas—to push harder to rise beyond the prejudiced brought by our bodies. Others sunk into poverty and helplessness.

And that’s the other big connection between us ETs—a long shared shame. Shame of the shape of our bodies—moon faces, globular upper arms, pendulant breasts, blimpie or floppy stomachs, blossoming buttocks, and lumpy thighs-- that look the same as the parents we loved and grandparents we adored and great-grandparents whose pictures hang on the wall.

A shame like smoke that infiltrated our lives and kept us from running to play, or climbing, or jumping; a shame that kept us from expressing our normal sexuality—desiring to be admired and kissed; a shame so apparent to others that they avoided us because of it, or if they didn’t, we didn’t see them because our heads were hanging so low.

The longevity of our obesity in many cases kept us from even trying to lose weight. It seemed an unreachable impossibility—not of our world—even at times a denouncement of our heritage. Still, we know nutrition better than most. Raised on fat free milk, scornful of deep fried foods, experts in cooking boneless, skinless chicken breasts. Our tables are always set with a vegetable with our starch and protein. When we snack on peanuts, we don’t do it in ignorance—we do it with the face-on shame of knowing we are being “bad”—just like we do when we sneak back to the deep fried foods and the whole fat ice cream. We don’t know why we can’t help ourselves. . . indeed sometimes it feels like the choices come from our blood. . . a long line of genetic code. . .

It’s Time for Assimilation
But now it’s time for us to finally assimilate. We have to hold our heads high and step into our place in this world. We can no longer let shame keep us from claiming physical activity. We have as much a right to bare our globular arms as someone with freckles does or with dark skin or tattoos.

We need to claim health--regardless of our size. We need to eat well and move hard to take preventive steps toward heart disease and diabetes.

Let’s embrace ourselves so that others can embrace us. We can no longer let shame keep us from style—we need to shop in stores that cater to our size and make clothes to fit. We need to walk into stores, with our heads up and ask for clothes—we don’t need to buy online in shame.

We need to pull out our seat belt extenders and put them on in the open—just like a short person might unabashedly pull the car seat forward to reach the pedals.

The more we act like we are normal, the more normal people will treat us. And the less likely feelings of rejection will be the catalyst that triggers our fall into a vicious self-destructive cycle of eating more and doing less.

We may always be big; we even may always feel a bit alien because of our big laughs, and big hearts, and big needs for others. But we don’t have to distort these traits with excess to either prove ourselves or redeem ourselves. We can masquerade like fat masqueraders and lay claim to our most perfect selves.

Acceptance Requested
Just please be gentle with us. Don’t teach your kids to hate us—we fat folk are vulnerable to becoming like the victimized smokers who children point at and whisper about their “sin.” (I know a mother who skipped a page in The Night Before Christmas because it showed Santa holding a pipe. She didn’t want her daughter to think Santa was a bad man for smoking. Santa will be doomed if the trend continues. . .)

If you allow insurance or companies to alienate us, you’re ignoring the fact that we all have different genetic makeups, different passed down psyches and ways of responding to the world and coping with things. All of us have weaknesses and strengths. Many of us have chosen tendencies or inherited issues that move us toward costly health problems. First we’ll push out the smokers. Then the fat people. And then who will not get insurance or jobs next?

Day 70: When You're Lonely

2009-09-14T22:11:00.004-04:00

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

You don't drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.

Author unknown

Inspirational Song

Diamond Road

Sheryl Crow

If I'm Drawn to Hummers. . .
I used to love listening to Sheryl Crow's song Diamond Road when I was at the gym. I would listen to it while I was on the recumbent bike because I could get a good rhythm to sustain me, and if no one was around I'd hum to the lines "When you're lonely, when your heart aches, it's gonna take a little time. . ."

I really do not know what keeps me from doing the things I need to do. Sometimes I think I must be comfortable living in the midst of angst. Sometimes I wonder if I am dysthymic--someone who is basically always down with periods of deeper depression. Hubby has "accused" me of being dysthymic. I don't know if this is how others who are close to me in my life see me. I think people who know me superficially think of me as bubbly and upbeat. .. but I am not really sure. I have lost perspective for how I come across to others.

My PhD in Boston told me that when it came to depression I acted like I was "guilty" of it. Like I brought it on. I do feel like I have no "right" to be depressed. I am smart; I make good money; I have a good job, a nice house, good health, a loving family. I think perhaps I started feeling down the most when my parents got divorced way back when I was 11.

. . . Can I Really Be an Eeyore?
Even before that, I was a kid who cried a lot --looking back I interpret it as being misunderstood by my parents. But I was also afraid of a lot of things. . .dogs, being alone, being willing to try new things. . . But when my parents divorced and we moved and I started a new school, I would lie in bed at night and go over my old class schedule and my teacher's names and my friends. . . afraid I would lose something. Then, I went back one time to visit and spent the whole time fretting and worrying about getting in trouble. . . they had a party for me and I ran around hushing people and picking up spilled cupcakes and such. . . wanting to make sure we didn't get in trouble and making myself and everyone else unhappy in the process. . . It was the thing I had longed for--to be back with the people I was familiar with and who were friends with me, and then I couldn't relax and enjoy them and let them enjoy me. In the middle of them, I still felt lonely.

So am I dysthymic or lonely? I revel in other people, and I am very friendly and outgoing, but I am the type who has only a few close friends. . . I can never get enough.

I can say that I eat for a lot of reasons. . .tension, anger. . . but sometimes I think maybe it all comes down to feeling lonely, disconnected, misunderstood, uncared for.

I think PhD2 has the right idea, probably, when talking about how I need to learn to fill this need for myself. Self care he calls it. Another PhD in my past called it self-parenting.

I do not like feeling this weakness. Like I cannot move past the most basic things in life. Eat only for sustenance and when you are hungry. It's insanity to think food can fill any other need. It's just not socially acceptable for me to wander to someone for a hug when I'm lonely. Or hell, to just go cry somewhere for relief. Or just to leave because I've had enough. . . instead I fill it with food, any food.

And what is it about me that makes me think about exercising, plan on exercising, even feel like exercising, and then stopping myself?

Maybe it is a "spiritual" problem. Maybe it is something in my psyche that needs fixing like Overeater's Anonymous says. I just don't like that they call it a disease or a sickness. I find it easier to admit depression is a sickness. . . dysthymia really sounds more like a personality trait, and I don't like that at all either. . . and I'm not sure telling myself I eat because I'm "sick" with the "disease" of compulsive overeating will help me get to a healthier place. Though I do think that learning to fill this void with some kind of self love could--and I may just need a some kind of "higher power" to muster that.

Day 66: 66 Reasons to Stay Focused

2009-09-10T22:42:00.003-04:00

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

“You’ve got to

win in your mind

before you win in your life.”

- John Addison

Inspirational Song

Getting in the Mood

Brian Setzer Orchestra

Why I Want to Stay Focused

Because I hate having fat wrists
So I can wear my wedding ring with ease
So my necklaces fit
To be able to walk without my fat paunches (outer thighs) burning
So the chair at my salon doesn't squeeze my hips
So I can wear the smock at the salon and the doctor's office (or a man's jacket when I'm cold)
So my shoulders aren't as broad as the chair
So I can sit down on the edge of the pool without having to drop the last 2 feet
So I can fit in a kayak seat and feel confident enough to try it
Because I know that exercising consistently will start to feel good
Because I know the first 15 minutes are the hardest. . .so you have to exercise more than 15 minutes
Because I want to just see if losing weight gets me more respect at work
So I will gladly get my picture taken next to those I love
To see if losing weight makes my shoulder hurt less
To have my boobs stick out more than my gut
To like what I see when I'm sitting in front of a mirror
So I can pull all the clothes I have in storage out
So I can stop feeling ashamed of myself
So I can walk at least as fast as my dog
Because exercising makes me sleep better
Because eating healthier food makes me feel richer and self-righteous
Because I am too smart to keep living in a way that makes me hate myself
Because I deserve to be respected by others
To get rid of seat belt extenders
To have the armrests lie flat in airplanes
To be able to get up and down out of the tub without rolling over like an elephant
To have my current underwear size be my pants size
So going to Tahiti really feels like something I'd enjoy doing
So the size of my upper arms aren't the limiting factor in buying shirts
So I don't need the football player's size blood pressure cuff
So I weigh less than football players
So if they change the insurance plans to penalize fat people I don't have to worry about it
Because it's humiliating to be fat in my job
So I can play on the floor with my dog and grandkids
Because I'd like to have enough endurance to swim some laps
Because it would be amazing to rent bikes on vacation and not notice every small incline
Because consistency makes it all easier
Because I don't want to be left behind Jack & Sean & Irene & Amber like I am some flunky
Because Jo believes in me
To make Hubby proud of me
Because my knees are already bad. . .
Because menopause is coming up and that's when my mom's health numbers went to pot
Because losing weight is not fucking rocket science
To be able to lie in bed and feel a flat stomach and a curve in my waist
To put on socks without pulling my leg up with my hands
To be able to reach the middle of my own back when it itches
So I can have a big party to celebrate my success with old friends
To wow my cute & sweet doctor
So climbing down 23 flights of stairs during a fire drill at work doesn't leave me sore for 2 days
So I can help my mother more when she has pain
So I can take over tasks like carrying out the recycling as Hubby gets older
To get more fit than I was before when I worked with a trainer
Because I have no reason not to stay focused and all the skills I need to be able to do this
So I can move on to other goals in my life
So at New Years I feel TERRIFIC
So on my birthday I have some other thing to wish for
Because I pay for 2, count 'em 2, gym memberships
Because I own a pedometer, treadmill, stability ball, and hot pink sneakers
Because when I'm focused I feel like a winner
To see if there's any hope that my thighs won't always be like be globulous dimpled things
Because if I'm going to fret this much about what I eat and how much I move I should have some payoff
Because it would just be embarrassing to have a heart attack
Because I'm a cool, interesting person who wants to have a future filled with writing fiction and taking & editing pictures, and seeing more art & learning about it
Because I want my positive results and attitude to spur Hubby to also achieve
Because if Hubby and I both achieve we are unstoppable and leave depression behind us
Because it would be amazing to experience a new life.

Day 65: Born Under a Wanderin’ Star

2009-09-09T22:34:00.004-04:00

TODAY’S INSPIRATION
I long,

as does every human being,

to be at home

wherever I find myself.
–Maya Angelou

Inspirational Song
Carrying Your Love With Me
George Strait

In My World There Is No Such Thing as The Family Home
The longest I have ever lived in one dwelling is 5 years. Hubby and I spent 2 consecutive 5 year intervals in 2 different rentals--the top floor of a 2 family house and a rented house. Outside of college, where I followed the 5 year undergrad plan and the 3 year grad plan—all at the same college--the longest I was in the same school system was 4.5 years—half of 6th grade through 10th grade. I’ve never lived in the same town as my grandparents or aunts or uncles. And as an adult, I’ve never even lived in the same town as my parents—the closest is now, where my mom and my sister are 45 minutes away. I consider this close; they still describe this as far.

Our Family's Unwritten Motto: Bloom Where You're Planted
When I was a kid, my parents prided my sister and me for being flexible and easy to move. We prided ourselves on our ability to welcome new places and make new friends. I am friendly. That is true. And I’ve always found it kind of adventurous to learn new things about a place—new places to go and things to do. I like experiencing new things and checking out the unknown.
I don’t even like to go to the same restaurants or to the same vacation spots.

But Hubby who spent all his growing up years in the same school system and the same town until he was married (to his ex) and had 3 kids, has helped me recognize some of the benefits of returning to a familiar place. He likes going to the same restaurant; he particularly likes it with the wait staff greet us and know his drink (a bourbon Manhattan straight up), and is delighted if they call him by his last name. He likes reliving meals in restaurants we’ve gone to in other towns, likes to be familiar with the routes to get around, likes to return to the same museums to review their collections again and look at the same islands and lighthouses just off shore. It took me awhile to appreciate the relaxation that can come from these reclaimed sites. And in fact, one of our most common spats is my annoyance at his reminiscing about someplace we’ve been when we are in a new place.

Reluctant to Be Regionally Arrogant
While I admit that I find a certain pleasure in trekking with my family to their ritualized events—like checking out the Christmas window at Hutson’s in downtown Cape Girardeau, and eating spaghetti at Jim’s Spaghetti House with my stepmother in Huntington, or even putting flowers on my grandmother’s grave in Pensacola—I also have to admit that I find some ties to the local routines, well, provincial. I find it simultaneously endearing and annoying when people compare their local bands or plays as “as good as you’d get in a big city.” Or when they think their little local restaurant has the “best” something. . .donuts or hot dogs or whatever.

At the same time, I lay claim to a lot of areas and things, whether I’ve spent a lifetime there or not. I claim NH blizzards and MA hurricane watches. I claim MO humidity and AL palmetto bugs. I claim the smell of wet sand in FL and the ubiquitous servings of grits in GA. I claim KY’s country music and PA’s Longwood Gardens. I claim steel mills, King’s Island, and Appalachia. I’ll strike up a conversation with anyone who claims to be from any of these places and refer to their lands as “home.”

Embracing My Inner Wanderer
Every now and then, I feel like I have no place to call home—I feel awkward when someone asks me where I’m from. But most of the time, I count on my wanderin' ways to help me make connections with people from all over and help me feel at home wherever I am.

Day 64: Friends, Forts, Frisbee, & Lobster Forks

2009-09-07T21:56:00.007-04:00

Photo of Fort Foster Pier SS Kennel found on Flickr

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

"Summer afternoon - summer afternoon;

to me those have always been

the two most beautiful

words in the English language."

- Henry James

Inspirational Song

Summer Wind

Michael Buble

Breakfast With a New Friend

It's been a good two days.

Yesterday we started the day by our first meeting with a fellow blogger--Rene of Not the Rockefellers. Rene was my first non family follower and she follows my, Hubby's, and my stepdaughter's blogs. That alone makes her special to us, but she is also a terrific essayist and budding poet. We had a wonderful, relaxed time trading stories with her and her husband. Blessings on her daughter who had to tolerate the hours with only a napkin for entertainment (trust me, she could do some creative things with that napkin!)

Here are a few of my favorite posts by Rene. Check her out if you haven't already:

Returning Fear's Gift

What I Wanna Do

Lost in Pronunciation

Meeting Rene was like reading The Velveteen Rabbit for the first time, discovering that beloved things can become real!

An Afternoon of Forts, Frisbee, & Lobster Forks

Yesterday afternoon, we rode with my stepson's family to some forts in Maine. They were on beautiful coastal settings. In between 2 of them, we stopped to eat and I had lobster. I would have felt deprived if I'd left NE without eating one! I'm quite a pro at sucking all the edible meat from a lobster, and it's surprisingly low in calories. (I don't do the butter dunking.)

Here's the guideline for any lobster novices who happen to be reading.

At the fort, I played frisbee with the kids. Sounds simple, but I was very proud of myself for not being shy about moving around and for being even a bit active. It was fun. They said so too. Today, we did it again several times before and after our afternoon cookout.

It was very sad saying goodbye today. I miss these guys so much. They used to come down and spend the weekends with us about once a month. We hadn't seen them for a year and a half. We can't let that happen again. It is too long. Especially for folks who aren't big phone people!

Before we left, my daughter in law's nephew who's in college played the guitar and sang. One of the songs he did was the Summer Wind. His version was really so much better than the one playing . . . very original. . . but this was the best I could do. I love listening to people sing and play the guitar.

Tonight we stayed in the Back Bay area so it would be easier to get to the airport in the AM. We ate at Legal Seafood. I had the lite clam chowder which I really like--it has potatoes & clams but no cream. And after our big cookout lunch, I wasn't too hungry, so I had a tomato salad--tomatoes, cucumber, and feta with balsamic.

Our room has a view of the Charles River. Today it was filled with sailboats. It's definitely starting to become fall in NE. The weather's been perfect--low 60s in the AM, high only to low 80s or high 70s. Some of the leaves are already starting to turn. And it cracks me up, but folks here are already wearing their sweat shirts! I miss the falls up here, but certainly not winter. And I have to say, there is nothing like a Southern Spring! For me, it makes up for the lobster and perfect falls. . . but not so much for the lumps in my throat saying goodbye to our NH family.

Day 63: Woven Lives

2009-09-06T08:28:00.009-04:00

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

"Southerners can't stand to eat alone.
If we're going to cook a mess of greens
we want to eat them with a mess of people."

-- Julia Reed

Inspirational Song

Love Can Build a Bridge

The Judds

Time Sharers
When my college roommate and I stopped living together at the end of the year, I cried. She had already decided to room with a home town friend the next year who was starting school. And even though she assured me we'd still be friends (and we still are), I cried because I knew it wouldn't be the same without sharing every day with her--being the intimate one in her life. The one who she turned to tell the silly little things about the day, her thoughts of the moment to. You don't call someone up to tell them these things. You know, the things that seem unimportant, that just cross through your mind.

And if you're not in the same house with someone for some ongoing amount of time, you don't know their little habits and quirks. Like how long they take to get breakfast ready or if they talk to their cat.

This is one of the reasons why I like to have people I love stay with me in my house when they come visit--not in a hotel. I want to see how they talk to their kids and how their kids talk with them in a comfortable setting. I want to see if they are the type that hug before bed or just kind of disappear. I want to see how they come down to eat breakfast--rumpled from sleep or already showered. I like to see if they walk around barefoot or in slippers or wearing socks that are permanently soiled on the bottom.

We had friends who came to our house once for dinner and the husband brought a raggedy old quilt with him that he liked to wrap in during a conversation. I loved him more night then than ever before.

Sidecar Companions
When I visit my family, I prefer to stay with them for the same reasons--so I can be an intimate witness on their lives. And for at least a while to have our lives woven together. When I stay at my favorite aunt's house, it's always a joke about how everyone goes in the bathroom together. In her former house, the bathroom was a long room with a counter that went the whole length. I'm not exaggerating if I said that one woman could be on the toilet and 3 others sitting on the counter chatting.

That's one thing my dad's side of the family is really good at--not sharing private bathroom moments--but "going with." That's how my aunts and uncles say it--something like I'm going to pick up the kids, want to go with? or I can say something like, I have to go to the store. And they will say, I'll go with. I find this incredibly charming, comforting, and complimentary--a way of saying they want to keep the conversation going, want us to be mutual witnesses to each other's everyday lives.

Yesterday, I was my (step) daughter-in-law's sidecar companion (along side my granddaughter--her daughter). We went to get her daughter jazz shoes, we took her to build a bear, we shopped in Lane Bryant. We went to 2 grocery stores. Compared to my aunt's company, the banter was light. . . but it was oh so relaxing. Refreshing. Surprisingly blood pressure lowering. I can't say why. . . just the pleasure and good feelings of someone wanting you to be there by their side.

When I was in college, I had friends I met at the laundry mat, where we shared pizza hanging out waiting for the clothes to finish. These are the friends you miss the most when you are away from them. Once when I was feeling particularly friendless, I told Hubby I wanted to put an ad in the paper that said, "Wanted one friend who lives within 15 minutes of my house who will hang out with me as we do laundry."

Amoskeag
It might be my deep feelings about woven lives that drew me to the story of Amoskeag here in Manchester, NH. Amoskeag is both the name of the falls on the Merrimack River and the name of the mills that ran for 100 years and whose looms were powered by the falls. A dam and canals were built; water was channeled right through cylindrical brick waterways (called penstocks) that ran through the buildings where their flow moved turbines that powered many gears and belts that moved the loom parts. It was amazingly and beautifully intricate. I learned all this by going to the Millyard Museum with Hubby on Friday.

Besides the weaving of the buildings, with the water, and the trains, the lives of the workers had to be interwoven. The mills were basically the whole town. There were multiple buildings for mills and a mechanic shop to keep everything working smoothly and train tracks all round the buildings. And there was family housing for people who worked in the mills--interestingly called "corporations." And many of the other businesses in town came strictly to serve the people who worked in the mills.

I felt like I had a glimpse into their lives--like seeing inside people's homes when you drive or walk by on a dark night. Photos give you the image of folks walking to their particular numbered buildings to start the work day. Multiple family members worked in the mills (This was before child labor laws.).

They talk about the noise of the mills and how people had to shout or lip read. . . they must have worked together like bees--all knowing what to do with one purpose, day after day.

And of course, it was likely often too much closeness. . .but the fact that the workers often came with a common purpose--for a new adventure, leaving their farms or their homelands, looking for new friends, had to have bonded them in some way, connecting them despite their diverse cultures.

Here's how it was described in the museum:

"Amoskeag millyard resembled a small medieval city complete with towers, moats, and gates. By 1915 a graceful arch of standardized brick buildings formed an unbroken mile long facade along the curve of the river, creating a model of visual unity."

The glimpse into my family's lives warms my soul and makes me feel connected. The glimpse into the lives of people at Amoskeag, long dead, fires my intellectual creativity thinking about all the interweaving--not only the fabric they wove, or the penstocks that wove their buildings to the river, but also their lives with the company and the workers to each other.

Day 62: A New Grace

2009-09-05T07:54:00.004-04:00

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

“She’s wound up tighter than

the girdle of a Baptist minister’s wife at

an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast.”

- Southern saying

Inspirational Song

Jump, Jive, An' Wail

Brian Setzer

I am not a believer in the traditional ways that people believe. I'm not saying it to offend anyone (nor call on them to save me); it just is. I don't have anything against believers--unless they're pretentiously damning people. I'm happy that they get so much from their faith. I appreciate a lot of the things organized religion does for some people. I appreciate that some people need rules to encourage them to live a moral life or even a kind and loving life.

I haven't felt the need for rules to help me live a loving life. I "get" the love message that religion offers--it makes sense to me and I embrace it. I don't need a lot of rules or guidelines to help me remember to treat people nicely. Treating people nicely and not holding grudges not only makes me feel better about my daily life, but it helps us all get along. It's a simple message and usually simple for me to follow.

But, it seems, perhaps, I do need rules in other aspects of my life. Like eating. Oh how I admire the people like Jack Sh*t who seem to be able to follow a simple mindset that says, "eat only healthy things in moderation--because you'll feel better." He doesn't stress out his life with a lot of rules and plans. Nor does Joe Riddell who said in a recent post, "I’m not afraid that eating a piece of cheesecake will make me go back to my old ways. I am confident that will not happen. Not now or not ever." I do not feel this inner confidence, nor seem to be able to continually call up my inner convictions.

So I've been thinking that maybe I need a prayer. What I used to say to myself everyday (posted on the right) was like a prayer for me. I would call it up during the day and repeat particularly applicable lines to myself. It was quite successful.

Now I think it may be time for a new grace. A prayer before eating. Something simple that gives me pause. Something to remind me of my goals. To remind me to love myself. To keep it simple. I'll need to say it before I make my selections, not sitting before a full plate I think. Although, it would be lovely to be able to sit before a full plate and have the confidence and drive for a happy future (that starts the minute after the first bite) to stop after an ample consumption of calories required for energy. But, I need to start slowly.

I make little good choices for myself throughout the day--like yesterday for lunch I had grilled halibut on Cesar salad (dressing on the side) and I ordered grape nut pudding because it's a NE thing. . . but I only took a few small bites and left it. And at dinner I ordered salad to go with our pizza and I had only a half piece of a peach cobbler/pie type dish. But, I scarfed down 2 large pieces of pizza with several types of meat on it. Calculating after the fact, I discovered I'd eaten more than my calorie count for the whole day just for dinner. (I also "relaxed" with my beloved daughter in law by drinking 2 wine coolers (~500 calories, just there, I discovered a bit too late).

So I think I need to call on some inner guidance and strength. I need a new inner mantra. I need some rules to become part of my blood. I may always be more like Lynn or Maura, who also seem to need to calculate each bite, even though they are at goal. And I don't love that idea, I admit, but at least they got to goal. They discovered what it took and they are continuing to follow it. I want to discover the path to get me there. And obviously, just religion, everyone needs their own path.

So, I'm thinking of taking a page from Jack Sh*t for my grace. (Don't get too big headed here, Jack.) I'm thinking I will slightly alter his words from a few days ago, which were:

Get busy and get yourself in check. Take the steps you need to take to reclaim your body, your health, your life. It's the most important thing you'll ever do because it's the foundation for everything else you want to do, everything else you want to be.

Do it today, because tomorrow will be here in less than a blink, and you don't want to be that person who looks back and wonders what they could have had, what they should have done, what they would have been.
It's time to get going. Tick tock, tick tock.

Of course, even as I write this, and Hubby is online looking for breakfast places, I think Do I want to start this new grace today? I mean I'm on vacation. I want to kick back and drink with my daughter in law. . . I need it.

See? I clearly so need a prayer. Here's what I commit to for today. I will calculate the calories before I eat them. I will make conscious decisions about what I eat. I will put food on a plate to eat, not just keep nibbling or going back to a box or whatever. I will allow myself 500 calories over my max because I am on vacation, but I'm not out of control

Day 62: Daily Self Care Step 1: Don’t Screw Up Breakfast

2009-09-03T16:10:00.004-04:00

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

“Well, butter my behind and call me a biscuit.”

– Southern saying

Inspirational Song

Whole Lotta Shaking Going On

Jerry Lee Lewis

Serenditious Calorie Counting

So I admit that I didn’t actually plan to count calories today. I’ve been off track a few weeks and know I need to get on track but you know how it goes. I had the perfect excuse—we’re off work and traveling on a weekend holiday to see stepson #1, his wife, and 2 of our grandkids. That meant breakfast in the airport.

I didn’t select a breakfast that would make it easy to stay on track. I walked up and did a quick glance and ordered what hubby did—a breakfast sandwich, which was a croissant with scrambled egg, sausage, and cheese. My half-hearted attempt at being a good doobie was to leave off the cheese.

But when we sat down and I took a bite, I really did not like the taste of the croissant. I couldn’t believe it. A baked good. A white baked good. A buttery baked good. I got a fork. I tasted the egg. Fine. I got a knife. I tasted the sausage. Fine. I tasted the croissant by itself. Yuck.

I removed the croissant and ate the egg and sausage. Suddenly, even though sausage isn’t the lowest calorie choice (it was really thin, nonSouthern airport sausage. . . akin to the patties you get at Mickey D’s. ), my breakfast seemed countable. I even felt a bit nutritiously self righteous. I wanted to spend the day on track.

Hubby told me I could go back and get what I wanted –I had said when I sat down (after allowing myself 2 minutes to contemplate) that I wished I gotten a fruit cup and some grits. But I said it was OK. And it was. Not in the grumbly, I’ll manage, or I’m already screwed way of being OK. But OK. Like I’ve got this. Like I'm strong enough to make good choices.

Taking In the Nutritious Scenery

As I walked out of the restaurant, I saw that just to the top left of the croissant, et. al. choices, slightly out of view, they had small boxes of cereal. I could have cereal with a banana or fruit cup. I could have had a lot of things that would feel good and be easy and taste good. There are all kinds of offerings in the world availalbe to help me. I just have to give myself a moment to notice them and to choose in a way that is taking care of myself.

This morning’s choice turned out to serendipitously good, and it was eye opening. If you want to have a good day—one where you feel good about self—one where you are taking care of yourself—don’t fuck up breakfast!

Day 60: Fat But Healthy

2009-09-01T22:52:00.002-04:00

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

In the South, the breeze blows softer...

neighbors are friendlier, nosier, and more talkative.

(By contrast with the Yankee, the Southerner

never uses one word when ten or twenty will do)...

This is a different place. Our way of thinking is different,

as are our ways of seeing, laughing, singing, eating, meeting and parting.

Our walk is different, as the old song goes, our talk and our names.

Nothing about us is quite the same as in the country to the north and west.

What we carry in our memories is different too,

and that may explain everything else."
--Charles Kuralt in "Southerners: Portrait of a People"

Inspirational Song

Unwritten

Natasa Bedingfield

Physical Stats

I got my physical results lately--all good.

Pap normal.
Thyroid normal.
Female hormones normal (guess I'm just moody not perimenopausal after all)
Blood pressure 118/84
Fasting glucose 90
Total cholesterol 164
LDL 94
HDL 52

Seemed good enough to share. .as a relief--not a justification for staying my fat self.

It's late and I need to sleep. . . but I'm still here. Thank you.

Day 59: Not Where I Hoped, But Here

2009-08-31T21:39:00.005-04:00

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

To conquer oneself is

the best and noblest victory;

to be vanquished by

one's own nature is the

worst and most ignoble defeat.

Plato

Inspirational Song

Get Up

Superchick

Finding My Way Up
Well, as I've said before getting up gracefully is kind of out of my reach right now. . .literally, getting up from the floor means rolling onto all 4s (and it really hurts my knees) and pushing on something to get up; figuratively it means hauling myself back on track. . . and not too directly or cleanly. But hey, it's directionally correct, right?

Here I am at Day 59 after my day of reckoning on July 4. It's not exactly where I had hoped to be. Of course I wanted to be more focused, more reliable to myself, more removed from depression, more able to feel good about the good things in my life than fixated on the bad.

It's tempting to wipe the trek clean, like zeroing the odometer. But this is my journey and it is what it is. It's me making it, a woman who is very successful and a woman who is sometimes detoured by depression. A woman who can be very independent and upbeat and a woman who is easily swayed by the moods of her hubby or others so that she is immobilized and unable to push aside a bleak curtain. These are the strengths and challenges of my nature.

Trying to Face Forward
I've been at this awhile. I'd love to be on a straight line toward health, but a meandering path can land me in the same place. So what's 10 or 20 days of lost focus? Nothing in the scheme of things. What's gaining 4 or 6 pounds? Nothing in the long haul.

Last night I made a stew of lamb necks, carrots, and navy beans with lots of garlic and rosemary and not enough tomatoes. And even though I hadn't tracked my calories all day or stayed on a good track, I calculated the recipe. It fit.

Today, I packed my lunch and ate it, then turned back on myself and bought a brownie and some corn nuts. . .

It's nonsensical.

But I have to move past nonsensical. Because there is no other direction than tomorrow. And the way to tomorrow is through tonight. And right now, I just have a glass of water. And my hubby is calm. And my puppy is brushed.

It's going to be a busy next few days. . . tomorrow I have to get to work early because I leave early for a hair appt. On Weds., I leave early for my PhD appt. On Thursday, we fly to Boston to visit my oldest stepson's family--and two of our grand kids. It will be great to see them and also heavy as their other grandfather has been recently diagnosed with liver cancer.

What can I ask and expect of myself to practice self care? What choices can I plan and rely on myself to make good on? How can I make my feet instead of my hesitant spirit lead?

Day 51: Antidepressants: Grateful Ladies, Cymbalta, & Muscadines

2009-08-23T19:06:00.007-04:00

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

A friend is one

who believes in you when

you have ceased

to believe in yourself

--Anonymous

Inspirational Song

I'm Yours

Jason Mraz

Climbing Out of Depression

Thank you to everyone who reached out to me during my dark time. It really means more to me than you can realize. I hate that I have these periods. But I do.

I did see my doctor for a physical on Thursday and he is switching my antidepressant from Lexapro to Cymbalta. I go through a transitional phase for 10 days before I get on the full Cymbalta dose. Then I'll see my doctor again in 6 weeks to see how it's going. I feel hopeful.

My doctor is also checking my hormone levels (more my mom's idea than his).

My blood pressure was 118/84 (85 on the bottom is prehypertension so we're watching that) and my weight was--get this--one pound less than last year's physical. Yeesh.

Getting Old
I must be getting old because at my physical I had my first EKG (normal) and my first lung X-ray (normal). Plus, I am definitely noticing vision changes. . . but not enough to get new glasses yet.

But after being around 8 older women on Sat at my mom's, getting old doesn't seem too bad. One of Mom's friends there was 80 and she was in ripping good shape. Nicely dressed, spry, carrying in folding chairs from the back of her Grand Marquis.

Serving Others

Mom asked me to come help her make her table look nice for a luncheon for her friends. She really has no business hosting a luncheon for 10. She can't afford it and it's too much on her. She has a lot of pain and recent reduced mobility from osteoarthritis and spinal stenosis plus fibromyalgia. But she worked for 2 weeks ahead and I took off Friday to help her select the right tablecloth, set up the card table, clean off her buffet, and select and place dishes (we had to mix and match) and place decorations. And of course we had to cook.

We kept it simple, but not lite. We served 3 kinds of olives, a modified Casear salad (added grape tomatoes and a bit of crumbled bacon), a brunch artichoke casserole (from Southern Living), and pesto, goat cheese, and sun dried tomato quiche. Another woman brought a 3 bean salad and another brought grape salad (grapes with a sweetened sour cream mixture and covered in crushed pecans).

For dessert (I stayed out of this) Mom served 3 homemade cakes: upside down peach pecan, blueberry peach pound cake, and peach pound cake; 2 kinds of ice cream: vanilla and mint chocolate chip; and home made whipped cream.

We served sweet tea and unsweetened tea both with slices of lemon and oranges (the women oohed and aahed over those!).

Lucky for me my sweet niece came and helped me serve and clean. And you'd have thought we gave those ladies $1000 each--they were so grateful and thanked us over and over. Some of them even clapped for us! I can't imagine a daughter who would say no to helping her mom on such a request, but I guess it's done. Sad. It was easy happiness making.

More Southern Comforts

While Mom & I were out we stopped at a roadside stand and I bought muscadines and scuppernongs. Do you know them?

They are like the Southern versions of a concord grape. But they are larger and the skin is tougher and they aren't sold still on the stem. The muscadines are the darker ones. They have unusual and deliciously sweet insides.

The best part of being a mom's is often getting up earlier than her and going into her room and crawling in bed next to her. Her skin is always warm and soft. She looks smaller and smaller to me under the blankets. She can drive me crazy, she can get me down with her negativity, but NO ONE loves me like my Mama and no one knows me like she does. We always laugh. I always sleep more soundly at Mama's.

The best part of coming home was this morning with Yeats. It was my day to get up with her (that was not the best part) and it wasn't yet light out. So after she'd come back in, I turned on soft lights in the family room and turned the radio on NPR and laid on the couch, hoping to get some more snooze time.

Yeats took a running start and LEAPT on my side. All 50 lbs of her. OOMPH. I pulled her off me and she turned to come back up and swooshed a piece of newspaper off the coffee table with her tail.

Then, she leapt on me again, this time putting her feet on the back of couch and barking--startled by the noise that SHE had made herself! Silly dog.

Tomorrow it's back to work, back to counting calories, and backing out of this dark state--at least for this month, I hope.

Thank you all again, my friends.

Day 47: New Remedy for Rejection--Self Care?

2009-08-19T21:31:00.004-04:00

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn

is unconditional love,

which includes not only others

but ourselves as well.

- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Inspirational Song

Somebody Ease My Troubling Mind

Sam Cook

Boost Me, Don't Bruise Me
So I've had a rough last few days. I'm still feeling unsettled from issues between me and Hubby last week. I have never responded well to criticism or rejection. Some people get negative feedback and use it to be inspired and prove themselves and do better. I am not one of those people.

When I feel rejected and criticized (internalized as they don't like me), I withdraw. I want to go to bed earlier and sleep later. I want to comfort myself with food. (In the last 3 days, I've unsuccessfully tried to lick my wounds by swallowing mini candy bars from the work candy dish--3 Baby Ruths, 1 Butterfinger, 1 Nestle Crunch, 1 chewy candy--2 iced brown sugar poptarts, a Chick fil'a sandwich & cookies & cream milkshake, a cheeseburger with cold fries--I ate every one--and a large peanut butter cookie.) I want to cry and cry until my head hurts and my face feels distorted. Tell me I'm bad and I believe you. And I stop participating at all; I just roll over and pout. It's not pretty and I'm not proud of it. But it's been my pattern for about 46 years.

I do much better with positive feedback. If you use a little psychology, you can get me to improve on something you feel critical about by finding some little thing about it that I do right. With praise and encouragement, I would likely lick the floors clean for you. Tell me I'm good, and I'll get better.

Perspective & Good Advice
Today was therapy day. When I told PhD2 that I had no impact on the world, that I had no close friendships with people I could actually spend time with, and that no one would really miss me if I was gone. I said I didn't know why I bothered trying to lose weight because I'd been fat all my life and there was no way I would ever be thin, what was the point in spending my whole life trying?

He wisely responded that he could understand why I felt sad, scared, and angry, but that he thought my perspective was off and that I was "painting everything with black brush" and that when I got pulled back together, I would realize that what I'd said wasn't true. And it probably isn't.

Earlier this week my friend, Christine, checked in with me. I'd had a really hard day and told her I wished I had somewhere to go and let all my feelings out. And she said to call her whenever I wanted that she would "drop everything." Wow. Not many people say that. And not many mean it or would follow through. But Christine is someone who would. That makes me pretty lucky and loved.

And sometimes one person caring about you is just about all you need. Thank you, my friend, Christine. You save me.

And PhD2 told me that even though I felt crappy that it was really important right now for me to practice self care. I asked him what that looked like, and he said, "what you'd been doing before this"--meal planning, counting calories, pursuing some creative interests, reaching out to others in blogger world. . . swimming some, contemplating getting in more exercise and making more connections with others.

PhD2 said he knew it wasn't my pattern and that made it hard, but that I needed to boost myself up so I would have balance and perspective and self confidence to have the hard conversations that happen in marriages and to have the poise and self confidence to be able to own the criticisms that are true and recognize the ones that are not.

It sounds right an sane and reasonable. . . but awkward and not so easy.

Chasing Rejection
This past Mon. was the birthday of the boy I loved through junior high and high school. It was one of those unbalanced loves. He was happy to be my great friend, but we never dated. I always wanted him more than he wanted me. I followed him around a lot. I wish this had not been the most central relationship during that vulnerable period of my life.

I've kept in touch with him over the years. And some years I call him on his birthday. If I don't reach him and leave a message he never calls me back. When I do reach him he thanks me profusely for calling him, asks me to keep doing it. His wife usually sends me Christmas cards.

This year I sent him a note on Facebook on Friday. . . taunting him a bit because he never read and responded to the story I sent him that I wrote and that he claimed he wanted to read.

On Monday I called and sang a voice message on his cell phone.

I tried 2 more times after that, not leaving messages. I thought he had tried to call me back because I actually had a message from his phone, but it was likely an accidental redial because I swear the message sounded like his phone was in the washing machine.

Today, I left another message on Facebook.

I guess I am done. I don't know why I chase rejection, just asking to be bruised.