Day 59: Not Where I Hoped, But Here

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

To conquer oneself is

the best and noblest victory;

to be vanquished by

one's own nature is the

worst and most ignoble defeat.

Plato

Inspirational Song

Get Up

Superchick

Finding My Way Up
Well, as I've said before getting up gracefully is kind of out of my reach right now. . .literally, getting up from the floor means rolling onto all 4s (and it really hurts my knees) and pushing on something to get up; figuratively it means hauling myself back on track. . . and not too directly or cleanly. But hey, it's directionally correct, right?

Here I am at Day 59 after my day of reckoning on July 4. It's not exactly where I had hoped to be. Of course I wanted to be more focused, more reliable to myself, more removed from depression, more able to feel good about the good things in my life than fixated on the bad.

It's tempting to wipe the trek clean, like zeroing the odometer. But this is my journey and it is what it is. It's me making it, a woman who is very successful and a woman who is sometimes detoured by depression. A woman who can be very independent and upbeat and a woman who is easily swayed by the moods of her hubby or others so that she is immobilized and unable to push aside a bleak curtain. These are the strengths and challenges of my nature.

Trying to Face Forward
I've been at this awhile. I'd love to be on a straight line toward health, but a meandering path can land me in the same place. So what's 10 or 20 days of lost focus? Nothing in the scheme of things. What's gaining 4 or 6 pounds? Nothing in the long haul.

Last night I made a stew of lamb necks, carrots, and navy beans with lots of garlic and rosemary and not enough tomatoes. And even though I hadn't tracked my calories all day or stayed on a good track, I calculated the recipe. It fit.

Today, I packed my lunch and ate it, then turned back on myself and bought a brownie and some corn nuts. . .

It's nonsensical.

But I have to move past nonsensical. Because there is no other direction than tomorrow. And the way to tomorrow is through tonight. And right now, I just have a glass of water. And my hubby is calm. And my puppy is brushed.

It's going to be a busy next few days. . . tomorrow I have to get to work early because I leave early for a hair appt. On Weds., I leave early for my PhD appt. On Thursday, we fly to Boston to visit my oldest stepson's family--and two of our grand kids. It will be great to see them and also heavy as their other grandfather has been recently diagnosed with liver cancer.

What can I ask and expect of myself to practice self care? What choices can I plan and rely on myself to make good on? How can I make my feet instead of my hesitant spirit lead?

Day 51: Antidepressants: Grateful Ladies, Cymbalta, & Muscadines

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

A friend is one

who believes in you when

you have ceased

to believe in yourself

--Anonymous

Inspirational Song

I'm Yours

Jason Mraz

Climbing Out of Depression

Thank you to everyone who reached out to me during my dark time. It really means more to me than you can realize. I hate that I have these periods. But I do.

I did see my doctor for a physical on Thursday and he is switching my antidepressant from Lexapro to Cymbalta. I go through a transitional phase for 10 days before I get on the full Cymbalta dose. Then I'll see my doctor again in 6 weeks to see how it's going. I feel hopeful.

My doctor is also checking my hormone levels (more my mom's idea than his).

My blood pressure was 118/84 (85 on the bottom is prehypertension so we're watching that) and my weight was--get this--one pound less than last year's physical. Yeesh.

Getting Old
I must be getting old because at my physical I had my first EKG (normal) and my first lung X-ray (normal). Plus, I am definitely noticing vision changes. . . but not enough to get new glasses yet.

But after being around 8 older women on Sat at my mom's, getting old doesn't seem too bad. One of Mom's friends there was 80 and she was in ripping good shape. Nicely dressed, spry, carrying in folding chairs from the back of her Grand Marquis.

Serving Others

Mom asked me to come help her make her table look nice for a luncheon for her friends. She really has no business hosting a luncheon for 10. She can't afford it and it's too much on her. She has a lot of pain and recent reduced mobility from osteoarthritis and spinal stenosis plus fibromyalgia. But she worked for 2 weeks ahead and I took off Friday to help her select the right tablecloth, set up the card table, clean off her buffet, and select and place dishes (we had to mix and match) and place decorations. And of course we had to cook.

We kept it simple, but not lite. We served 3 kinds of olives, a modified Casear salad (added grape tomatoes and a bit of crumbled bacon), a brunch artichoke casserole (from Southern Living), and pesto, goat cheese, and sun dried tomato quiche. Another woman brought a 3 bean salad and another brought grape salad (grapes with a sweetened sour cream mixture and covered in crushed pecans).

For dessert (I stayed out of this) Mom served 3 homemade cakes: upside down peach pecan, blueberry peach pound cake, and peach pound cake; 2 kinds of ice cream: vanilla and mint chocolate chip; and home made whipped cream.

We served sweet tea and unsweetened tea both with slices of lemon and oranges (the women oohed and aahed over those!).

Lucky for me my sweet niece came and helped me serve and clean. And you'd have thought we gave those ladies $1000 each--they were so grateful and thanked us over and over. Some of them even clapped for us! I can't imagine a daughter who would say no to helping her mom on such a request, but I guess it's done. Sad. It was easy happiness making.

More Southern Comforts

While Mom & I were out we stopped at a roadside stand and I bought muscadines and scuppernongs. Do you know them?

They are like the Southern versions of a concord grape. But they are larger and the skin is tougher and they aren't sold still on the stem. The muscadines are the darker ones. They have unusual and deliciously sweet insides.

The best part of being a mom's is often getting up earlier than her and going into her room and crawling in bed next to her. Her skin is always warm and soft. She looks smaller and smaller to me under the blankets. She can drive me crazy, she can get me down with her negativity, but NO ONE loves me like my Mama and no one knows me like she does. We always laugh. I always sleep more soundly at Mama's.

The best part of coming home was this morning with Yeats. It was my day to get up with her (that was not the best part) and it wasn't yet light out. So after she'd come back in, I turned on soft lights in the family room and turned the radio on NPR and laid on the couch, hoping to get some more snooze time.

Yeats took a running start and LEAPT on my side. All 50 lbs of her. OOMPH. I pulled her off me and she turned to come back up and swooshed a piece of newspaper off the coffee table with her tail.

Then, she leapt on me again, this time putting her feet on the back of couch and barking--startled by the noise that SHE had made herself! Silly dog.

Tomorrow it's back to work, back to counting calories, and backing out of this dark state--at least for this month, I hope.

Thank you all again, my friends.

Day 47: New Remedy for Rejection--Self Care?

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn

is unconditional love,

which includes not only others

but ourselves as well.

- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Inspirational Song

Somebody Ease My Troubling Mind

Sam Cook

Boost Me, Don't Bruise Me
So I've had a rough last few days. I'm still feeling unsettled from issues between me and Hubby last week. I have never responded well to criticism or rejection. Some people get negative feedback and use it to be inspired and prove themselves and do better. I am not one of those people.

When I feel rejected and criticized (internalized as they don't like me), I withdraw. I want to go to bed earlier and sleep later. I want to comfort myself with food. (In the last 3 days, I've unsuccessfully tried to lick my wounds by swallowing mini candy bars from the work candy dish--3 Baby Ruths, 1 Butterfinger, 1 Nestle Crunch, 1 chewy candy--2 iced brown sugar poptarts, a Chick fil'a sandwich & cookies & cream milkshake, a cheeseburger with cold fries--I ate every one--and a large peanut butter cookie.) I want to cry and cry until my head hurts and my face feels distorted. Tell me I'm bad and I believe you. And I stop participating at all; I just roll over and pout. It's not pretty and I'm not proud of it. But it's been my pattern for about 46 years.

I do much better with positive feedback. If you use a little psychology, you can get me to improve on something you feel critical about by finding some little thing about it that I do right. With praise and encouragement, I would likely lick the floors clean for you. Tell me I'm good, and I'll get better.

Perspective & Good Advice
Today was therapy day. When I told PhD2 that I had no impact on the world, that I had no close friendships with people I could actually spend time with, and that no one would really miss me if I was gone. I said I didn't know why I bothered trying to lose weight because I'd been fat all my life and there was no way I would ever be thin, what was the point in spending my whole life trying?

He wisely responded that he could understand why I felt sad, scared, and angry, but that he thought my perspective was off and that I was "painting everything with black brush" and that when I got pulled back together, I would realize that what I'd said wasn't true. And it probably isn't.

Earlier this week my friend, Christine, checked in with me. I'd had a really hard day and told her I wished I had somewhere to go and let all my feelings out. And she said to call her whenever I wanted that she would "drop everything." Wow. Not many people say that. And not many mean it or would follow through. But Christine is someone who would. That makes me pretty lucky and loved.

And sometimes one person caring about you is just about all you need. Thank you, my friend, Christine. You save me.

And PhD2 told me that even though I felt crappy that it was really important right now for me to practice self care. I asked him what that looked like, and he said, "what you'd been doing before this"--meal planning, counting calories, pursuing some creative interests, reaching out to others in blogger world. . . swimming some, contemplating getting in more exercise and making more connections with others.

PhD2 said he knew it wasn't my pattern and that made it hard, but that I needed to boost myself up so I would have balance and perspective and self confidence to have the hard conversations that happen in marriages and to have the poise and self confidence to be able to own the criticisms that are true and recognize the ones that are not.

It sounds right an sane and reasonable. . . but awkward and not so easy.

Chasing Rejection
This past Mon. was the birthday of the boy I loved through junior high and high school. It was one of those unbalanced loves. He was happy to be my great friend, but we never dated. I always wanted him more than he wanted me. I followed him around a lot. I wish this had not been the most central relationship during that vulnerable period of my life.

I've kept in touch with him over the years. And some years I call him on his birthday. If I don't reach him and leave a message he never calls me back. When I do reach him he thanks me profusely for calling him, asks me to keep doing it. His wife usually sends me Christmas cards.

This year I sent him a note on Facebook on Friday. . . taunting him a bit because he never read and responded to the story I sent him that I wrote and that he claimed he wanted to read.

On Monday I called and sang a voice message on his cell phone.

I tried 2 more times after that, not leaving messages. I thought he had tried to call me back because I actually had a message from his phone, but it was likely an accidental redial because I swear the message sounded like his phone was in the washing machine.

Today, I left another message on Facebook.

I guess I am done. I don't know why I chase rejection, just asking to be bruised.

Day 42: Okra Gumbo, Lady Peas, & Homegrown Tomatoes

TODAY'S INSPIRATION
"It's difficult to think
anything but pleasant thoughts
while eating a homegrown tomato.”
- Lewis Grizzard

Inspirational Song
Jambalaya
Hank Williams Sr.

Food From My Mama
Last weekend my stepdaugther and her family were here and my mama came too on Sun. so she could visit with our granddaughters.

I let it be a surprise to Mama that they were here because I knew if I told her, she drive herself to distraction planning the meal and bringing food and gifts for the girls (that she can't afford and that they don't need).

I had to lie to Mama several times to accomplish this secret keeping. Mama we have the meal all planned. Yes, Mama, we already bought the fish.

I told Mama she didn't have to bring anything. She agreed. Here's what she brought:
A bag of big, fresh juicy peaches.
4 homegrown tomatoes
1 homegrown cucumber
Several small potatoes (from a neighbor who gave them to her after Mama sharing the peaches)
Lady peas cooked by Mama
Okra gumbo cooked by Mama (okra & tomatoes with sliced bacon) [these 2 didn't "count" because she brought them for my lunches 'cause she knows I love 'em'
2 peach pies

She called me the next day regretting that she hadn't brought me some of her homemade Southern cornbread, all crunchy on the top and bottom (from being cooked in a cast iron skillet)--the best (esp with a few slices of homegrown tomatoes and a piece of hot catfish)

She also brought a lemon thyme she'd potted for me and a bag of old table clothes, doilies, and something else I can't remember.

This is not my mama's okra gumbo. . .she'd never serve hers in such as fancy dish.

Lady peas. . .Mama cooks hers in ham bouillon.

Day 41: Eating Right Doesn't Make EVERYTHING OK

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

W.I.N.G.S.--believing in your worth,

trusting your insight,

nurturing yourself,

having a goal

and devising a personal strategy.

Irene, of Livin Large

Inspirational Song

Still Got the Blues

Gary Moore

Eating Right Is Only Check #1
On my list of to dos to feel better about my life, eating right is at the top of the list and for the last 41 days, I've thankfully been able to check it off--accomplished! Yay me.

But while it's at the top of the list for a reason. . . it doesn't make everything in my life OK.

I'm still a woman with depression. And I still have fall apart moments. And today was a particularly bad day emotionally. I cried in the parking garage and really just wanted to go hide for the day. . . I even tried to call PhD2 for an extra session. No luck. My stomach ached. As the day's gone on, I've started to get a cold sore. . .

So I dragged myself in from the parking garage and went to the bathroom in the lobby and wet my face and took an extra minute to collect myself and just went to my first meeting 10 minutes late. No big deal; no one noticed. Pulled myself together for a day of meetings. . . preoccupation with my job instead of my life. . . which is kind of the story of my life. But hey. . .a woman's gotta pay the bills.

The Other Issues Needing a Check Mark
So it would be inappropriate to go into some of the specific issues in my life because of how my comments would affect people I love. But I feel like there is no one to really talk to who isn't caught up in it or who can only give me 50 minutes. . . sometimes a crash needs an uncalculated timeline.

Perhaps the safest thing to say is another quote from Irene who I quote above (she doesn't need me to recommend her site because her Hubby-Sean Anderson of The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser--certainly has more follower umph and influence than I do, but trust me, after just 3 posts so far, she's worth checking out). Anyway, in this quote, she's talking about her marriage prior to she and her husband losing weight together and finding new energy and mutual inspirations and confidence in reaching their dreams:

"Our whole lives, it has kept us from being the people we have always been but always wanted to show, and doing the things we have always wanted to do. We have been miserable and incomplete. . . "

The thing I love about marriage is the working through the ups and downs with the person you have chosen and who has chosen you. Making it through hard times makes the relationship stronger. . . And a strong relationship with such personal love from someone who knows you more deeply than anybody else is the best feeling in the world. But that also means when it's not going well. . . sometimes even a small spat. . . can throw you off kilter.

I don't want to expose Hubby or be unfair to him. . . a lot of our problems are the same as every one's--over cleaning (he does it; I don't); over who takes out the dog (he does; I don't); over food choices or drinking excessively; over being dissatisfied with our place in life--fear & frustration of not getting where we want to be or knowing how to get there with the other things in life that fight for our time and energies and money and emotions; over wanting more time for ourselves and at the same time wanting more time with each other. . . but just like be a big fatso and feeling that pain, knowing others are in the same boat doesn't make you feel any less seasick. . .

There is work to do in life, and so many times it's hard to know where to start. . . I have to believe I have W.I.N.G.S.

Day 38: Blessed Is She Who Has Cereal for Dinner

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

All that spirits desire, spirits attain.

Kahlil Gibran

Inspirational Song

Curbside Prophet

Jason Mraz

Cereal for Dinner
I think if I lived alone I would often have cereal for dinner. Cereal is good and comforting. It can be a problem for me if I keep eating the same kind because I eventually want more. . .

I always have to measure cereal. I cannot be trusted to be honest in eyeing the correct amount.

But tonight I had cereal for dinner. And since I have more calories at dinner than I other meals. . . I had 2 servings of cereal (with one serving of milk) AND a banana AND a bit of peanut butter.

And it was good.

Individual Spirits
Today's quote matches up with this fabulous poem published by the person I love most in the world. Check it out: Captain Lee. It's about what's inside us that cannot be known by others and about how others' view us cannot penetrate our spirits when we guide our own journey.

Day 36: Good Weigh-in,Good Dog, Good Family, Good Food

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

“Maybe happiness is this:
not feeling like
you should be elsewhere,
doing something else,
being someone else. ”
–Part of a quote from a blog set up in Switzerland, one of the “happiest” places to solicit comments about happiness by Eric Weiner, author of The Geography of Bliss.

Inspirational Song
Blue Skies
Ella Fitzgerald

Good Weigh-In

TA-DA I lost 6.2 pounds! That means I dropped the vacation weight gain, plus some. Somehow on my first day back to work after vacation last Tuesday when I was in the bathroom dumping water weight what felt like every hour or more, I had an inkling that it might be a good weigh-in week!

It really has boosted my confidence because I was starting to feel a tad distrustful of my 1500 calorie plan . . .even though I knew in my mind that someone at my current weight should be able to lose on 1500 calories. So . . .whew. . .I can keep on with this meal plan and keep working on adding in more activity.

Good Dog

Puppy Yeats seems like she is getting so much better behaved. Maybe staying with her trainer for a week made the difference or maybe she is just getting older and a bit more settled. But I've felt so proud of her!

Today we took her to the groomer's and one of our granddaughters from NC went with us. Yeats let us put the car restraint on her without difficulty, got right in, laid down, put her head next to our granddaughter "Pete" but didn't put her head "on" her.

And she was so calm and good at the groomer's! She came out all prissied up and just sat down between my legs so I could pet her. We through she grew another head taller while we were away!

Good Family

So maybe you figured out that our NC granddaughters are here for the weekend. They are growing and getting a bit sassy but also getting prettier and more creative and loving too! I guess it all balances out. My heart just brims over with love for them and my lovely, lovely step-daughter (their mom).

I left work a bit early last night to go grocery shopping so I could make us a dinner easy for me to count. We had shrimp & veggie pasta. And they had garlic bread with it (I had half a piece).

Today we had a relaxed day, and I am feeling very content. Hubby & Pete went out to get donuts (I ate my cereal while they were gone), and PERFECT TIMING--my dad called as soon as they sat down to eat them!! Great distraction for me!

Dad & I had a great chat--our first since before vaca. I also talked with my niece to plan a visit with her later in the week and my mom is coming tomorrow to share dinner with the girls before they go home and spend the night with us. Also trying to plan a visit to see the NH grandkids in Sept.

Right now Hubby & his daughter are playing Moonlight Sonata on the piano, the girls are asleep, our son-in-law is resting up watching some TV. Feeling really warm with family. . .

Good Food

Tonight I made us BBQ chicken with a baked sweet potato and some stir fried green beans. I still have not mastered garlic stir fry green beans. . . like you eat in a Chinese restaurant. Mine are always kind of rubbery, overcooked, or singed. . . if you have a good recipe or secret, please share it!

Tomorrow we will grill salmon on a cedar plank, grill corn on the cob, sliced tomatoes, and I will saute spinach with shallots and mushrooms--with chilled watermelon for dessert. Don't you love summertime?

Day 34: Food Fun on a Late Night

TODAY'S INSPIRATION

My doctor told me to

stop having intimate dinners for four.

Unless there are three other people."

~ Orson Welles

Inspirational Song

Grits Ain't Groceries

Little Milton

It was a fine day, but it's too late to post. . . so I thought I'd just send you a little fun food thoughts. . . <3

Day 32: Vacation Recovery Plan

TODAY'S INSPIRATION
The greatest glory in living
lies not in never falling,
but in rising
every time we fall.
- Nelson Mandela

Inspirational Song
So What
Pink

Daily Calories Since Day 1 (July 4)


So we can see from looking at the above chart (double click to enlarge if necessary) How I did with my calorie counting during my vacation. The green zone is my calorie range. . the red dots are where I go over or under. . .the sharp descent on July 30 and the corresponding ascent from that day until today tracks the days I didn't track calories (4 days). I thought about trying to go back, but it seemed kind of pointless. . . especially after I got on the scale.

I've been playing some head games about the scale. . .weighing as soon as I wake up (after urinating) and then roaming around some hoping for my bowels to move before eating so I can weigh again. . .for a more accurate weight I tell myself. . . but it kind of leaves a girl hanging around the bathroom all AM.

So I didn't want to fully believe the weight on the scale yesterday morning since I'd only had the first pottying experience (TMI I know. . .it's my signature). . . but according to it, I showed a gain of 2.8 lbs. I feel like if I had been more active I could offset it. . .but I could say a lot of things. . . and the point of this post is it isn't worth time saying anything about the past. All I have is the present and the future.

Exercise Plans for the Rest of the Week
Here's my activity menu for the rest of the week:

Tuesday (today): Stick to calorie count & pack lunch (done and done) [Do this for the other days this week too]

Wednesday: Walk Yeats in the AM for 15 to 20 minutes. Get up and walk around the office at least once--twice would be a bonus. Try to talk Hubby into walking on the trail after dinner, if not, try to get him to take a walk; if he won't walk alone for at least 20 minutes.

Thursday: Get up and walk around the office at least once--twice would be a bonus. Leave work at 5:00 if possible to make the 6:00 water aerobics class; if I can't leave, try to talk Hubby into a 9PM evening swim; if he won't agree, walk in the neighborhood or on the treadmill at least 20 minutes.

Friday: Walk Yeats in the AM for 15 to 20 minutes. Get up and walk around the office at least once--twice would be a bonus. Try to talk Hubby into walking on the trail after dinner, if not, try to get him to go for a 9PM swim; if he won't walk alone for at least 20 minutes.

Day 29: Fair Food--Not

TODAY'S INSPIRATION
"Nothing rekindles my spirits, gives comfort to my heart and mind,
more than a visit to Mississippi...
and to be regaled as I often have been,
with a platter of fried chicken,
field peas, collard greens, fresh corn on the cob,
sliced tomatoes with French dressing...
and to top it all off with
a wedge of freshly baked pecan pie."
~ Craig Claiborne, in Southern Food

Inspirational Song
Summertime Blues
Eddie Cochran

At the Sonoma County Fair
What food do you associate most with going to the fair? For me, it's corn dogs with mustard, candy apples with nuts, and cotton candy. I also wouldn't say no to a roasted ear of corn or a funnel cake.

We went to the fair on Tuesday evening. Thankfully we decided not to eat there. We did look at quite a few cows, some sheep, and some quaint crafts--and watched our sweet youngest granddaughter take her first carousel ride.

It's funny how I stopped riding on rides at the fair because of the reports of people getting injured. . .odd that my my mind hasn't said that the food likely has a higher probability of killing me!

I couldn't resist taking pictures of some of the over-the-top ways they highlight that fair food. . . .and frankly. . .they didn't make it seem very tempting. . .

The Dirty Truth Revealed

Don't get me wrong, though. While I didn't eat fair food. . . I haven't been perfect in the vacation eating category. In fact, during the last 3 days I haven't had computer or phone access so it was a challenge to calculate calories (I rely on Sparkpeople). But I know that is just an excuse. I could have tried much harder and didn't.

I haven't been TERRIBLE. .. I mean I did make and stick with the decision that if I was going to eat something that would be hard to allot calories for, it had to be something better and more exotic than a corn dog! (And it was . . . . pasta with tomato sauce and seafood!) But I've gone over my calories at least a bit and some days more basically every day. I could have tried harder, but I didn't, and now it's done, and I can only look forward. (That doesn't mean I'm not going to thrown for a loop with a weight gain. . . so beware).

I did dig up 2 of my triggers for "fuck it" eating (I'll try to think of a more kosher term for this. . .it's more than just overeating. . ) . .

One of them is feeling like nobody cares or is supporting what I'm trying to do. And I can fabricate that. . . like if someone wants to settle on a restaurant that is going to be challenging for me to eat at. . .I take that as them (all of them) not caring about me. . .instead of like, duh, they are thinking about what THEY want to eat. (So shocking to realize it's really NOT all about me.)

And another trigger is (this one really sounds dumb) being faced with food that doesn't taste good or that in some way is unfulfilling or undesireable for me. Sometimes the crappier the food is, the more I will eat. . .out of some kind of weird anger frustration . . .

Actually maybe 1 & 2 aren't so far apart. . . they both kind of come down to having to really push (sometimes when I'm really hungry) to make a effort to eat healthfully for myself--and have the stamina to keep moving until I find the right option.

Right now I've only recognized these. . .I don't have a plan for identifying the feelings in the moment and taking action. . . any suggestions?