Monday, May 25, 2009

The Sign of Twins

My birthday is tomorrow. I will change my blog name to 45+and Aspiring, cause a girl has to keep aspiring, no?

So May 26 makes me a Gemini--the sign of twins. The metaphor of having a split personality. That's me. Sweet one minute, short tempered and scowling the next. Upbeat and cheerful then turn around to be depressed and dispirited.

I guess it's little wonder that the post title "Dichotomy" by Lyn at Escape from Obesity caught my attention. In her essay, she talks about the fat girl and fit girl inside her. The single letter difference reminds me of my own post on the topic. It's a nice read, as many, many of Lyn's posts are. But it was the ending that I most wanted to inhale and absorb as my own:


I'll let Fat Girl sleep for now. She can slumber away, dreaming of cupcakes and lasagna while I live the life I've always wanted. When she awakens, I'll teach her to be civil. I can love her until she learns that it's safe to let herself become one with Fit Girl. And then there will be peace.

I am so desperate to be free of feeling overwhelmingly tired and defeated before and after I eat. The hopelessness I feel when faced with choosing what to eat is like being zapped with a weapon of sci fi world. . .feeling myself vaporizing into bits then into nothingness. A few minutes of mind numbing escape while serving, chewing, swallowing. Then spirit crushing heaviness and weariness after eating that begs for sweet sleep only to awaken with the leaden and painful steps that follow overeating. When will I choose change? When will change come?

3 comments:

  1. When will change come? For me, it was when I truly embraced the whole idea that there was a better me that was being cheated out of what he deserved. When I really wrapped my head around what I needed to do and the changes I needed to make, everything sort of clicked into place. The first couple of weeks were difficult as my body rejected the whole notion of lifestyle change, but now it's become second nature.

    Happy bday (I'm just two days behind you... and I'm still aspiring as well).

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  2. ****Happy Birthday to you****
    ****Happy Birthday to you****
    **Happy Birthday dear 46**
    *Happy Birthday to you*
    cha-cha-cha!

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  3. Happy Birthday, dammmmit!
    It's a new day, a new year, get mad and just do it! I know you can. Make every day the 1st one... now, I'm gonna keep checking back to read about all of the good news in your life, make it so.
    Be well! Be yourself!
    Granny Pat

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