So May 26 makes me a Gemini--the sign of twins. The metaphor of having a split personality. That's me. Sweet one minute, short tempered and scowling the next. Upbeat and cheerful then turn around to be depressed and dispirited.
I guess it's little wonder that the post title "Dichotomy" by Lyn at Escape from Obesity caught my attention. In her essay, she talks about the fat girl and fit girl inside her. The single letter difference reminds me of my own post on the topic. It's a nice read, as many, many of Lyn's posts are. But it was the ending that I most wanted to inhale and absorb as my own:
I'll let Fat Girl sleep for now. She can slumber away, dreaming of cupcakes and lasagna while I live the life I've always wanted. When she awakens, I'll teach her to be civil. I can love her until she learns that it's safe to let herself become one with Fit Girl. And then there will be peace.
I am so desperate to be free of feeling overwhelmingly tired and defeated before and after I eat. The hopelessness I feel when faced with choosing what to eat is like being zapped with a weapon of sci fi world. . .feeling myself vaporizing into bits then into nothingness. A few minutes of mind numbing escape while serving, chewing, swallowing. Then spirit crushing heaviness and weariness after eating that begs for sweet sleep only to awaken with the leaden and painful steps that follow overeating. When will I choose change? When will change come?